? Pit bull or other feral dog
? Down payment on a Cadillac Escalade or other luxury SUV of equal or greater value
? Strip club membership and / or club currency
? Steak dinner (order the porterhouse)
? Concert tickets with backstage passes (If your agent can’t get you backstage to meet Shakira, he’s not connected enough. Fuck him.)
? Drugs (optional)
? VIP table at the club of your choosing, with at least two bottles of Ketel One ordered (so not optional)
? A contract hit on the enemy of your choosing
You can also pick an agent who is dead honest with you and genuinely cares for your welfare, but refuses to make empty promises. This agent’s name is Jerry Maguire, and he doesn’t fucking exist.
HEAR IT FROM AN AGENT!
I will kill for you, and then feast upon the flesh of the deceased
by Marty Battaglia, professional agent
Being an agent is my one true passion. I have no other life outside of my clients: no friends, no family, not even a dog to speak of. All I got is you, baby. It’s all you, all the time. There are no barriers with me, my friend. My clients are my family.
And since I consider you family, I can confide in you that the truth is I rely on clients such as yourself to keep my subhuman body undead for-evermore. I need your precious, precious energy. That’s why, if you let me represent you, I will do anything for you. I will defend you. I will take a stand for you. I will fight tirelessly on your behalf.
And I will kill for you. Oh, yes. Mark my words.
I will kill for you and then feast upon the flesh of the deceased, which will only strengthen my representation of you. I will tear out the heart of our chosen victim, hold it aloft as a trophy of our conquest, and then swallow it whole. Because killing is the ultimate act of dedication to my clients. One I’m delighted to make. So I will kill for you. Even if you don’t want me to. Especially if you don’t want me to. That way, I can prove to you how serious I am.
I will do anything for you, my friend. I will go to fucking war for you. No joke. I will forge a declaration, get it passed through the puppet regime of a very small Latin American nation, and formally declare war. Then, I will wage a full-on orgy of bloodshed unlike anything the world has ever seen. All on your behalf. I’ll even commit war crimes. Stomping babies? You got it. Heads on bayonets? Oh, yeah. Mass shootings? That’s the best part.
There’s no limit to the atrocities I’m willing to commit on your behalf. If getting you that extra incentive clause means I have to create some kind of superpoison that taints the world’s water supply, killing all who come into contact with it, I will do it. In fact, I even had a lab built in case such a scenario is necessary. Just say the word. Go on. Say it. Now.
Listen, any agent can get you a deal. That’s easy. What you need is an agent who will go the extra mile, who will burn down cities and rend the earth asunder to get you that mandatory suite on road trips. Will your current agent do that? No. He’s a pussy. In fact, I will kill your current agent for you. I will cut his throat slowly with a bowie knife and then embed the video on YouTube, to show other agents and teams that you and I, together, are not to be fucked with. That’s how much I care.
Of course, this extra caring will cost you more than the standard 4 percent. Perhaps also a large portion of your afterlife. But it’s totally worth it, I assure you. Just let me kill again. Please.
“Kansas City? Shit.” Where you’ll be playing.
There are forty-four North American cities (or, in the case of Green Bay, quaint little burgs) that are home to professional sports teams. And while all of these cities have ready access to alcohol and vaginally advantaged persons, some are obviously more desirable than others. That’s why I’ve decided to chart them for you in order of superiority. Except the Canadian cities. I removed them from consideration because Canada, as you know, is not a real country.
I took in many factors while determining these rankings, such as weather, marketing opportunities, abundance of gated communities to protect you from the poor and destitute, real estate prices, tax breaks, social scene, fan base, media glare, leftover racial tensions that could boil over at any moment, air quality, women, cuisine, entertainment, diversity (of women), parks, traffic, lack of a gay community to threaten you, crime, and laxness of drug and prostitution laws. Now, you may disagree with these rankings, and to that I say tough shit. Write your own goddamn book.
Tear out the chart on the opposite page and keep it in your wallet or money clip. It’s a handy reference guide you’ll need in the course of free agency. Is it really worth the extra $100,000 a year to stay in Buffalo rather than move to San Diego? You can go a whole year in Buffalo without seeing a single partially exposed tit. Think about it.
Deeply Penetrating the Numbers
53