Split Right 48 Waggle Razor Q Butterfly Jingleheimer Schmidt Oklahoma Blue
In this play, the receiver on the left is the X, or wideout. The receiver on the right is the Z, or flanker. The tight end is Y. Split refers to the backfield formation. Right refers to the side the tight end lines up on, which is the “strong” side. The 48 refers to the patterns the X and Z must run (here, a quick slant and a square in-and-up). Waggle means the fullback chips off the rush end and then flies up the field. Razor is a word thrown in to make the play sound more badass. Q is the flat route run by the tailback. Butterfly is the dummy audible call. Jingleheimer is the actual check-down call. Schmidt is the second dummy audible call used to confuse the defense as to which call is the actual dummy call and which is the real nondummy call. Oklahoma is the blocking scheme. Blue is a type of color.
Now, this is but one play. It actually has 132 different variations depending upon the formation. You’ll also notice I’ve drawn up this play against a base 4–3 defense. This, of course, isn’t how the defense will line up in reality. Chances are, they’ll move all around just to fuck with you. For example, if the nose tackle shifts from a one-technique to a three-technique, the quarterback will audible to “I Right Fifty-two Motion Left Hitch Blaze R Logan’s Run Macanudo Vermont.” You see the difference? And, if the outside linebacker shifts outside the end into a “hip” position, the play becomes “I Left Shotgun Royal B Post Jigsaw Krull Jabberwocky Chinatown Alaska.” See? It’s not that complicated.
Just remember that a sport like football presents infinite strategic possibilities that no one person could ever possibly absorb, let alone comprehend. But your coaches will attempt to do so and expect you to instantly apply all of it flawlessly in adverse conditions. But you are in luck. You do get to keep a laminated cheat sheet on your wristband with every play listed in .5-point font. That should help.
Yep, you’re going to fuck up. Repeatedly. Just make sure you paralyze someone while doing it.
Because “I fucked your mother” just won’t cut it: trash-talking.
Within a single professional match of football, or basketball, or even a pussy sport such as lacrosse, there is a series of battles within the game itself. And this is no team game. This is strictly a mental battle, one-on-one, between you and the man guarding you. That’s right. It’s time to lay a hardcore verbal smackdown on a bitch. Win this verbal tête-à-tête, and you’ll have gained a permanent mental edge over your opponent. You’ll be helping your team win. But more important, you’ll be savaging a man’s dignity and inflating your own ego in the process.
Nothing is out of bounds when it comes to trash-talking. If telling the catcher that you just stabbed his mother with an AIDS-infected needle throws him off by even one degree, then it’s well worth it. Remember: aim high when you’re aiming low. Consider these targets:
? His mother
? His father (especially if his father is dead)
? His wife
? His children. An underage daughter makes for an especially sensitive target, often literally!
? His sexuality
? His hometown. If he’s from rural Georgia, you should have lots to work with.
? A recent injury
? A recent “trial separation”
? Appearance
? Religion, especially if he’s a Buddhist or some other bullshit religion
? Grooming and hygiene. Ever smell Manny Ramirez on a Sunday? Not pleasant.
One thing I left out here is race. Racial taunting is only permitted in certain scenarios. Black-on-white taunting is permissible. White-on-black will almost certainly incite an angry mob. Black-on-Asian usually gets a pass. White-on-Latino is out of the question, but White-on-Sikh is allowed. And everyone can make fun of Samoans without consequence.
Remember, your goal is to shift your opponent’s focus from the task at hand to you. Making him mad is just one way of doing this. You could offer him a brainteaser. For example, ask him, “Are you PT?” If he says, “No,” then say, “Oh my God! You weren’t potty trained? Loser!” If he says, “Yes,” then say, “Oh my God! You’re a pregnant teacher? What a douchebag!” You see? There’s no right answer! He can’t win! You have him completely out-riddled!