Live Wire (Ramsey Security #2)

"Take it to the bedroom," Nell says, passing by the family room.

"You heard her," I murmur, standing up with Saskia in my arms.

Mom and Nell adjust to having another sexually active couple around. Their room is on one end of the house while ours is at the other. Saskia says the living situation gives her enough privacy, but I know she'll lie to ensure we stay in the house. She feels safe here. This property is her slice of paradise.

We do leave every few days, so I won't forget how to deal with crowds. We see matinee movies. Eat lunch at two when few people are around. For whatever reason, Saskia enjoys grocery shopping in the early morning. I stumble after her while she happily picks out new foods to cook. Half of her recipes turn out inedible and even the dogs won't eat them. The other half is pure heaven. I never know what I'll get when I sit down for dinner.

Saskia sucks at basketball. Even when I put her on my shoulders, she can't get the ball into the hoop.

"It's a tall person game," she says, shrugging.

"Maybe I can lower the hoop for you."

"Then it'll be too easy for you. I don't want you cheating on my account."

Laughing, I chase after her playfully. Saskia though takes off running through the yard before disappearing around the house. I can't find her for nearly ten minutes until she reveals herself hiding behind a bush.

"Don't feel bad," she says, shaking leaves from her hair. "I used to be a pro."

"Spent a lot of time hiding in bushes, did you?"

"Oh, yeah. Trees too."

"Were they little baby trees?"

Saskia narrows her eyes angrily and throws the dogs' ball at me. Of course, Peter and Egon descend upon me while she makes a run for it again. This becomes a literal running gag between us for years. Whenever she isn't getting her way, she runs away and hides. If I find her, I carry her to bed where her punishment is to be on top. If I can't find her, she allows me to service her. I really win either way.

Even with Saskia retired and Marx gone, we never forget how different our paths were that lead us to finding each other. We rarely speak of it though. When I see Saskia's hands shaking and know she's dealing with a long buried pain from her past, I simply hold her and talk about the present.

One night, we watch a movie with a torture scene in it. Even after I forward through it, Saskia's hands won't stop shaking no matter what I say.

"You and I were on the opposite sides of that table, Brad," she whispers.

"Did you ever... work on someone like me or were they always bad people?" I ask before instantly regretting it. "No, don't answer. It doesn't matter. You weren't my tormentor. I wasn't your victim. The past is over."

Saskia watches me with wet eyes. She cries easily now as if nearly thirty years of stored up tears have finally broken free.

"I never felt anything all those years. Now I feel too much," she says, wiping away the tears. "How do I learn to deal with all this crying?"

"You could talk to a therapist."

"Can I talk to Lawrence? I don't trust just anyone with my secrets."

I agree to set up a time for Lawrence to meet with her. Though Saskia wants to talk to him, she remains distrustful.

"Don't share my secrets or else," she says to Lawrence. "I won't kill you, but I know people who will."

Lawrence doesn't miss a beat. "Ground rules are good. Rule one is no sharing secrets outside out of our sessions. Rule two is no threatening your therapist."

Saskia's hard expression warms. "Well let's get started. First, I better grab a box of tissues."

Therapy doesn't magically fix Saskia anymore than it fixed me. She struggles for years to come to terms with how she was raised and the guilt of what she did as Little Maven. I can only support her during the dark times, much as she pushes me to leave the house when I'd rather hide.

Saskia often cries out at night, stuck in a nightmare she can't escape until I wake her. Shaking in my arms, she only wants to go numb again.

"Nightmares mean you're human," I whisper in the darkness. Resting her on the bed, I kiss away her tears before my lips taste her throat. "You felt nothing for a long time. Now you feel all the pain, but you also feel the good stuff."

Saskia melts in my arms, embracing the pleasure this new life offers. The past is never truly dead, and the suffering lingers around us often. We choose not to embrace it though. With Saskia, I'm no longer a terrified motherfucker. With me, she's no longer the ice princess. Together, the past is simply a bad dream we can now escape.





Epilogue


Saskia

No More Mavens