Dear Beautiful,
I need you. I won't stop telling you, or showing you how much I need you, either, until I'm dead. That's my promise to you, and I will keep it.
I know you are feeling guilt about the loss of our son but you are not alone in that. I have guilt too, because guilt is an emotion we all feel when we love. I love you, and I loved our son for the short time we had him. I will not lose either of those feelings for as long as I draw breath. If you want to continue to feel responsible for our loss, I can't take it away from you. It's yours to own. You have the free-will to feel as you do.
But so do I. And my free-will tells me that I can't live without you in my life. I need you. I need you to come home and love me. I need to be loved by you. I need you to start living your life again. Yes, you will feel sad when you remember, but going forward means you can take that sadness and use it for something good. I know you will find a way to make that happen. Everything you touch is good. I don't know another person with as much goodness in their heart as you have inside your generous and beautiful heart.
It's time for you to come home. There are people who love you who only want to feel your presence in their lives. And then there's me, who will not survive without you to love me. I know this. I can live without the rest if I have to, but not having your love…I cannot do.
We can get married today or next year…or never.
We can have more babies if you want to or we can have dogs or cats instead. (I would prefer dogs.)
We can adopt teenagers if you want—some real difficult little shits that'll joyride with my car and give me gray hair long before I should have it.
Point is, Beautiful, I'm not leaving this beach until you come over here to where I am waiting and tell me you love me, and that you want me to take you home.
Ever your kinky fucker,
James
* * *
I don't remember getting up from the sand, only that I was running and my legs were flying, taking me closer to my James. I didn't even choose a direction; I just went to…where he was.
And then he was in front of me standing in the sand, his god-like physique on full display for me to devour. Every line of his sculpted body, his hard-set jaw, the eyes that spoke more volumes of words than I could ever comprehend—my beautiful man was here for me. He'd come for me…to bring me back home.
With his strong arms open—waiting for me to come to him.
His arms were open for me when I fell into them.
Heaven.
Once I was against him I felt the most immense sense of peace envelop me. My whole universe clicked back into place and the incredibly painful tightness I'd borne within my chest for weeks began to dissolve. Just from being in his arms.
James healed me in an instant with only his touch.
"I love you, James Blakney, and I can't live without you either. I needed help taking my first step back to you, and back to my life in Boston. I needed help because I just wasn't able to to make that first step on my own without you."
And nobody had known it except for James. He knew. He knew how to help me best and he always would.
He tilted my chin up with the side of his finger, so commanding and tender at the same time. The only man capable of holding my heart. "What's the other thing you need to say to me, beautiful?" he asked.
"Take me home and marry me."
"Are you proposing to me now?"
"Yes, because once you told me some rules. One of the rules was for me to be honest and to tell you what I needed. You said that if I told you, you would hear me. So I'm telling you now, James. I need you to take me home and marry me."
Epilogue
WINTER
Six months later.
Fripp Island, South Carolina
"How is he doing, Caleb?"
"Funny you should ask, because he wanted to know the same about you." My big brother gave me a kiss on the cheek carefully so as not to damage my makeup. "But first, I need to tell you what a beautiful bride you are, and how honored I am to walk you down the aisle today. I know Dad is watching over all of us and he sees you, Win. He's thrilled with your choice of a husband. Dad respected James very much, and I know Mom loves him too. You've done well, little sister."
"You'd better stop now or my makeup will be washed away and it took a really long time."
He took my hand in his and clasped it. "Got it. As to your question about your groom, well I can tell you he's still standing and able to answer yes or no questions…but that's about it. He's so ready to marry you." Caleb whistled and shook his head back and forth. "He told me he wouldn't be able to relax until he sees you walking down the aisle to him, and his isn't lying."
"He knows I'd run through fire to make my way down the aisle to him if I had to. He just likes to worry."
"I can't blame him for loving my little sister."
I thought I should change the subject to something a little lighter. "How is Lucas treating my man? Are the boys playing nice in the sandbox this evening?" I couldn't help asking, because James and Lucas still had spats from time to time even though they mostly kept the peace—or ignored each other.
Caleb chuckled, clearly finding the two of them and their contentious relationship amusing as hell. "I think they'll manage to keep the fisticuffs to a minimum since it's your wedding day."
"They'd better." I brushed at nonexistent speck of lint on Caleb's lapel and asked, "Has Mom even let Johnny out of her arms yet today?"
"Not really. She made sure he had an extra-long nap earlier, so he could be awake during your wedding because she's holding him in her lap front and center. He looks quite swank in his miniature tux. Silly for a two-month-old to be dressed up in formalwear, but hey, if it makes her happy." It was apparent to everyone in the family that Caleb and our mom were trying hard to have a relationship based on honesty. The birth of baby John William, affectionately called Johnny, was helping with that, because she was really into being a grandmother. She took one look at that baby on the day he was born and felt completely and totally in love with him. Nobody could deny what a very beautiful thing it was when a precious babe could bring people together in love.
James and I had chosen our wedding day rather strategically because right now was the time that our son was to have been born. We wanted to mark the occasion and the date with good and wonderful moments spent with friends and family, feeling this was the best way to honor his memory. One day I'd discovered that James went to St. Clement regularly to light a candle for him. If I'd been able to love my James any more than I already did, then it would have happened that day. We named him Jeremey after a beloved grandfather on his mom's side. My dress had two interlocking J's embroidered into the silk. Many might not even notice or understand the significance, but I did and that's all that mattered. Two J's for my two J-men.
On the night that James and I attended The Autumn Ball, he'd put in a bid at the silent auction, but he never told me what it was for. Well, he won that silent auction, and then he sat on it for a good long time before finally sharing with me. The prize was an exclusive destination wedding package to Fripp Island, South Carolina for all of our guests to enjoy. So, after our ceremony tonight, all of those who'd planned to, were extending their stay on the island to include a beach holiday afterward. James and I were honeymooning. Not sure what the rest of them were doing because we had some very private plans of our own.