My innocent little child who I would never get the chance to meet was leaking out of me in the stairwell while I cried the most dreadful tears I'd ever known.
While I cried out my anguish, and the pain of my guilt for something I'd caused in a weak moment of selfishness with the man I'd wanted for so long, I couldn't remember when I didn't.
I'm sorry, Baby. Mommy is so so sorry…and she'll never forgive herself.
Chapter Twenty-Three
JAMES
Three days later.
She checked herself out of the hospital during the time I was away for one hour to shower and change my clothes. Before that, the doctors wouldn't tell me a whole lot because we weren't married. The only information I was given was that the miscarriage of our baby boy was probably a result of blunt force trauma from the fall, but not certain because there were indications she might have been bleeding before she fell. Otherwise, she sustained no other critical injuries despite falling several feet down an unforgiving concrete stairwell. A miracle really.
She never lost consciousness and was able to make it to the elevators and up to Caleb's place after she'd caught her breath. She told the police everything once they arrived and reported her injury to the doctors at Mass Gen. My father was arrested for assault and for fleeing the scene of the crime. Security cameras caught it all. When asked if she wanted to press charges she answered, "Fuck, yes."
Other than that she didn't say much to me. Very little beyond "I'm so sorry" many more times than she needed to. What did she even have to be sorry for? Obviously she felt guilt for the miscarriage even though we all told her it was not her fault. Her mom, her sister, Brooke, Caleb, Lucas, and even Wyatt came to sit with her; repeatedly assuring her nothing that happened was her fault. She wouldn't accept it from any of us, though. Stubborn as they come, nobody was going to change Winter's mind until she wanted it changed.
I didn't know where she went when she left the hospital or how to find her. My Winter was just…gone.
And my life was as good as over if she didn't come back to me.
One week later.
There was one thing that gave me an immense feeling of accomplishment, though.
Delivering to my father the terms of what would be my mother's divorce settlement. My only regret was that it wasn't done from inside a jail cell. Unfortunately, when Winter left town, he couldn't be held without her statement. It didn't really matter because I'd taken care of him, jail time or otherwise. I'd heard the spliced together audio clip he'd played for her, rearranging my words to make it seem like I was using her at his direction. I think I hated him for that deception most of all.
"She will have the house in Weston and the beach house on Blackstone Island. Assets will be divided as such." I slid over the list of demands and a pen. "After you sign, I'm presenting the restraining orders for my mother, Victoria, Winter and myself respectively. If you violate any terms of this agreement you go straight to jail. No passing GO, or collecting anything other than a colored jumpsuit to add to your wardrobe. You attacked a pregnant woman, and in doing so murdered the grandchild you wanted so badly. You then fled the scene of a crime that you committed, leaving her bleeding and alone without medical attention. You are finished, Robert—with me, with everyone who's connected to you by blood or marriage or profession."
He was finished with being a judge too. That pesky criminal record and all…
After he signed, I placed the documents in my briefcase and walked right on out the fucking door without looking back. There was more that I could have said to him, but I decided that I didn't need to. I would never speak to him again if I could help it. Maybe I'd get my wish, maybe not. As far as I was concerned my father died the moment he put his hands on my Winter and hurt her so badly she had to run away.
Two weeks later.
I started sending pictures to her phone. Pictures of good things that would show her there was happiness all around because of her good work. One was a picture of the two ponies now living in the barn at the Sherborn house. Shane and Brenna helped me choose them, naming them George and Martha after characters from a book they liked. Another was a video of my mother leading Brenna around the ring on Martha for her first riding lesson. My mom had been quite the equestrian in her younger years, and now that she was finally free from the devastating grip of my father's control she was coming back to life again. She wanted to start an equine therapy program at Sherborn for children and adults with special needs who could benefit from the unique healing treatment of connecting with horses.
I sent a picture of Alanna with the kids holding a handmade sign that read: WE LOVE MS. WINTER AND WE MISS HER VERY MUCH!!! I never knew if she received the pictures because she might have changed her number. So, I sent them to both of her emails just in case.
At night I slept on sheets I refused to wash because I couldn't bear to lose the scent of her. I wrote her many letters on paper with a pen. I didn't know how to get them to her but I still needed to write out the words for myself anyway.
And then, Caleb came to see me and told me where she was.
"She's in L.A. with Wyatt. She said she needed to be far away from everything that would remind her of sad things and of the people she's hurt. I'm assuming that's mostly you, James."
"No. The only way she's hurting me is by being gone."
If I could see her—and she could see me—I knew I could make things right again. I knew what she needed. She needed me to love her and tell her to start living her life again. She needed that push to come from me. I knew it down to my very core.
"That's what I figured," he said evenly. "I was never here, brother. We did not have this conversation, okay?"
"Okay."
You'll never know what this means to me, Caleb.
"Now, getcha ass going and bring my sister back home where she belongs."
"Get the fuck outta my way so I can leave for the airport," I told him.
"I'd take you there myself but I was never here and we never had this conversation."
I bear-hugged him and planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek.
The next day.
Malibu, California
I felt my starved heart start up beating again when I spotted her walking on the beach. She was a ways off in the distance and walking in the opposite direction, but I knew it was her. She had on black shorts and a blue long-sleeved shirt.
Those long legs carrying her down the beach, and that chestnut brown hair blowing in the Pacific breeze were unmistakable to my eyes. I knew what my woman looked like even from very far away.
I gave five bucks to a kid to deliver my letter into her hand once she sat down on the sand to watch the waves.
I knew what I'd written by heart and watched her when she read it.
* * *
WINTER
The hair on the back of my neck started tingling the moment I stepped onto the beach. I sensed that something was about to change but had no particular reason for why I should feel that way.
The familiar ache that had been with me for three long weeks was finally starting to lessen. But maybe that had to do more with the emails I'd seen last night along with the precious pictures and the video he'd sent. I'd almost called Alanna to get the details on the new ponies but lost my nerve at the last minute.
I'd stayed silent for so long.
I was terribly afraid he wouldn't want to hear me if I tried to reach out to him now.
James.
I'd hurt him and myself so badly. I hadn't wanted to hurt him, but I had, and the devastation of that knowledge had pretty much cut me off at the knees.
I didn't know how to begin.
I needed help taking my first step…just like the people I mentored at my job as a social worker.
"I'm supposed to give you this." A boy of about ten handed me an envelope marked simply 'Winter' before taking off down the beach whooping and waving a five-dollar bill.
I opened the envelope.
* * *