‘Matt, just go,’ said Natalie, sounding sober now, frantic. It was almost as if she’d picked up on what was going through Alex’s mind.
Matt still looked uneasy but pulled away, driving into the centre of town with them all in silence. Alex wished somebody would speak but nobody did. All he could hear was his own silent prosecution, throwing the accusations at him, that he’d abandoned her while she was still alive, that he was a coward, that he could have saved her but had run scared.
Matt drove through town and out towards the quay road and then the silence was broken as Will said, ‘I’m gonna be sick. Matt, I’m gonna be sick.’
He swung the car into one of the empty spaces overlooking the river and Will scrambled out, running to the railing and hitting it with so much force it looked like he might go over and into the water. They watched him in silence for a while.
Then Matt turned to Alex and said, ‘There’s no damage at all to the car, nothing.’
Alex nodded but didn’t say anything and they continued to watch Will. After about five minutes Natalie said, ‘You think we should see if he’s okay?’ Alex misheard at first, a guilty twitch of muscle at the thought that she was talking about the girl, the girl he’d left to die in the road. She was as good as dead already, he was convinced of that. But that didn’t excuse anything. He could have stayed with her, and he didn’t know what her real chances had been; he wasn’t a doctor.
Maybe she was still alive, lying there in the road wondering why he hadn’t come back. For all he knew, the damage to the back of her head had looked worse than it was, and people survived the most appalling injuries. He had a fleeting image of her in hospital, Alex visiting, getting to know her as she recovered. He shut it down quickly though - she was dead.
‘I should go to the police,’ Matt said and Rob and Natalie started to discuss it but he couldn’t concentrate on what they were saying.
His mind was on the other side of town. Whether she was dead or not she was lying in the cold and dark in the middle of the road over there, a red shining halo on the tarmac around her head. She’d been beautiful, a human being, and he’d left her in the road like some wild animal.
And he’d left her there still alive. What had she been thinking as she’d looked up at him, that he might help her, that he’d stay with her? Surely that was the least she could have expected, the minimum amount of human compassion, and still he’d fallen short.
He was ashamed of himself and yet still scared. Even now, telling himself she couldn’t still be alive, he was too afraid to suggest going back. And he couldn’t rid himself of the look of her eyes on his face, desperate and alone. Why couldn’t he have stayed with her? Why couldn’t he have stayed calm? He’d killed her.
‘Alex?’
‘She’s dead.’ The words came out without him realizing what he’d said, unsure even what he was responding to. It seemed to be the right answer though, Rob and Matt using it to continue their discussion.
They were talking about whether or not to go to the police. Alex tried to think about it rationally. He tried to think of it from their respective points of view, seeing immediately that it would be bad news for Matt, those drinks working against him. And it hadn’t been Matt’s fault; she’d run in front of the car.
For the other four and for Matt especially it was probably better not to go to the police. For his part, he felt like it didn’t matter. For the first time in his life he’d been tested and he’d failed. He’d left her to die in the road and it didn’t matter if they went to the police or not.
Nothing he did would ever remove those moments from his mind - her face, her pleading eyes, that sickly smell of peach schnapps in the cold air. Nothing would ever remove the shame of his cowardice. He’d let her die alone, was letting her die as he sat there, and for that weakness he’d be damned forever.
His only hope perhaps, even now, was to tell them to go back. And through all his confusion, through the storm of voices, he knew that was what he had to do, tell them to go back, call the police, do everything possible, because if he didn’t, he would never forgive himself. And he would never rest again.