‘So you keep saying, but really, how do we know that?’ Matt looked into the rear-view again. Rob didn’t answer this time, just stared back, and Matt added, ‘I’ll go to the police in the morning. I’ll have burned off the beers and vodka by then. I’ll tell them I was alone in the car, that I felt something collide but I didn’t see anyone. I mean, what’s the worst they can get me on? Failure to stop at the scene of an accident. I think they’d have problems making that stick. There isn’t even any damage to the car for Christ’s sake.’
He thought he’d made a pretty good case, the logic falling together as he’d spoken. Natalie responded immediately though, sounding desperate, almost pleading as she said, ‘No Matt, you have to listen to Rob. This will ruin your life. It’ll ruin all our lives.’
‘It’ll ruin our lives anyway.’ It was the most Alex had said since it had happened and Matt stared at him, thrown; Alex was the one who stayed calm, who saw a way through things, steered a course. He seemed to come back to himself then, turning to Matt and saying calmly, ‘You can’t make this better by going to the police. You need to accept that and then decide if you want to go through with it.’ Matt nodded, relieved, and although he was still confused he could see Alex was probably right. Maybe going to the police was just another way of not facing up to it, of making it someone else’s responsibility. Maybe.
Will could feel his stomach was empty, that there was nothing left to come up, the last retch still lodged raw and fruitless in his gullet. He stayed leaning over the rail though, finding some comfort in the disorientation, in the dizziness and the black water below, invisible but swiftly moving.
It was the thought of the others watching that made him finally right himself, and he was angry with himself now, embarrassed. He was sick of the fact that it was always him, that he was the one who always managed to drink too much, to screw things up, to fall apart.
They’d be the same as ever, saying it didn’t matter and not to worry about it, and they probably had no idea how it made him feel to be constantly patronized like that. They meant well, that was the worst of it, because sometimes he felt like their pet project, like he was the misfit they were trying to rehabilitate.
He turned and sat against the railing for a second or two, wiping his mouth on his handkerchief before looking up at the car. He couldn’t see Rob and Natalie in the back but Matt and Alex were visible in the light of the street lamp. Matt’s eyes were downcast but Alex was looking at him and smiled now.
Thank God for Alex. Will smiled back at him and walked slowly to the car, readying himself. He had to make them believe he was okay, that throwing-up had been about the drink, not the accident, because it wouldn’t take much for them to start worrying about him, that he wouldn’t be able to deal with this.
He opened the door and climbed in next to Natalie who said, ‘How do you feel?’
‘Okay. What’s the feeling here?’
Nobody answered at first and he couldn’t understand why, thinking it had to be about him, but then Matt said, ‘I was thinking about going to the police in the morning and saying I was alone in the car. The others think we should let it be.’ Will nodded, thinking it over. He wanted to go to the police too, but he could see how it would look if he said that, like he was throwing Matt to the wolves.
Matt turned, looking expectant, and Will said, ‘What, you want my opinion?’ Matt smiled and nodded, like it should have been obvious. Will thought about it. He had to sound like he was holding it together, especially now. He didn’t want Matt to go to the police on his own anyway. ‘A bad thing happened. Bad things happen. I don’t think it was anyone’s fault, just circumstances. So we have to ask ourselves how we can extract the most good from this bad situation.’
He’d overdone it, talking about extracting good - what good could come out of something like this? He was bracing himself for some harsh comment to that effect from Rob but he was silent, and Matt sounded regretful but accepting as he said, ‘I suppose you’re right.’
‘Good,’ said Alex, as if it was settled. He turned in his seat then and said, ‘You realize though, we all played a part in leaving her, not just Matt, and if we don’t go to the police we’ve broken the law. That means we can never discuss this. It stays among the five of us and goes no further.’
Will nodded, as if Alex was talking to him more than the others but Rob laughed, indignant as he said, ‘Alex, I hardly think we need the “secret pact” speech; we’ve been friends for two and a half years, best friends. I think we can all trust each other without resorting to melodrama.’ He was overbearing sometimes but Will couldn’t help but admire the way Rob always seemed to find the right words, his fluency. Alex just shook his head though.
‘I’m not talking about trusting each other, I’m talking about trusting other people. I’m saying if it gets into the wrong hands this information could hang us all out to dry. So we have to pretend like it never happened.’