Planting her hands on her hips, she sauntered toward the ethereal woman and spat, “Screw your pies and your league fairies and your HEA. Tell me how the hell we get out of here—”
“What Nina means to say is, thank you for the lovely welcome. Fab dress. Thumbs up on the big, big hair. Now, how the hell do we get out of here?” Marty asked pleasantly, looping her arm through Nina’s and smiling.
The beautiful woman tucked her wand under her armpit then clasped her hands together just under her chin and chuckled, her laughter echoing all around them in shards of muted sound.
“Well, bless your hearts! Feelin’ a little out of sorts after your trip, are ya, Puddin’?”
Nina popped her lips and rolled her shoulders. With a crack of her knuckles, she said, “I’m feeling ridiculous in this GD ball gown. Not to mention I can hardly hold my head up with this frickin’ hairdo, and I have wings. Wings. Now ante up, Princess Puffy. Because I wanna go home.”
Brenda shot Nina a smile that was not only stunning but meant to pacify. “Aw, darlin’, you do know what they say about big hair, don’t ya? The higher the hair, the closer to your maker.” She used her wand to punctuate her point by tipping it skyward.
“You know what they say about vampires, don’t ya? The angrier you make me, the closer I come to sending your lifeless carcass to your maker,” Nina mocked in a ridiculous imitation of Brenda’s drawl.
Marty instantly yanked one of the massive curls falling from the top of Nina’s head and down along her back. “Shut up,” she ordered from stiff lips. “We don’t know what we’re dealing with here, Elvira. This isn’t Jersey anymore. Now, zip it!”
Wanda again intervened, dragging a stiff, reluctant Toni with her. “Brenda, it’s lovely to meet you. Truly. However, we have families to return to back…back in our homeland—or whatever. We have people who’ll miss us, is what I’m saying. So while this visit has been absolutely incredible and your village is delightful, we really do need to get home. So, if you’d kindly tell us what the fairy godmother league means in relation to us and how we get home, Brenda, we’d be very grateful.”
Brenda used her silvery wand with the big ball on the end to point at each of the women, a serene smile on her face. “In order to leave this realm, y’all each have a job, and with that job you have to complete a task.”
“A task?” Wanda repeated, her eyes blank.
Brenda nodded, her smile still glowing. “Uh-huh.”
Nina snorted, her defensive stance returning. “Lay off the coy games and get to the frickin’ point. Tell us what we have to do to leave your theme park in clear, concise terms without all the pomp and bullshit, or I’m going to deflate that big, poofy hairdo of yours. Go. Now.”
Brenda literally floated toward Nina, capturing her eyes with a hard stare. “I’m doin’ my best to be hospitable to you, bein’ a stranger in a strange land and all, Buttahcup, but you’re makin’ my goodwill as shaky as a newborn thoroughbred. Just so’s ya know, I can turn you into a toad just like that.” She snapped her fingers in Nina’s face.
Nina growled, flashing those freaky teeth once more.
And again, Wanda intervened, stepping between the two women, Toni still latched onto her arm while she watched in silent fascination.
“Please, forgive Nina’s crass, pseudo-sociopathic behavior and deal directly with me from here on out. What’s our task, Brenda, and what does being an honorary member of the League of Fairy Godmothers have to do with it?”
Brenda’s face changed, going from dark to light. “Everyone who enters the realm of Shamalot has to give back, and I’m in charge of assignin’ y’all a job according to your aura’s mental state, if you will. Then you have to complete your assignment before you can go before King Dick and ask him to grant your wish to leave.”
“Our auras?” Toni squeaked. What kind of mumbo jumbo crazy business was this?
“Yep! So here’s what ya gotta do, Red,” she said, winking at Toni. “You have a journey to go on with a pair of to-die-for shoes. They belong to the king, and he’s gonna spit bricks when he realizes they’re gone from Castle Beckett.”
“Shoes?” everyone repeated in unison, their heads swiveling on their necks.
Shoes. Toni gulped some cold air. There were going to be flying monkeys, she just knew it.
Brenda bobbed her head before anyone had time to process her words and swirled her wand in the air, creating a puff of pink and white smoke just before she pointed in the direction of the body Toni had landed on.
And then she aimed that glittery stick of mayhem at Toni’s feet.
The atmosphere stilled for a moment, growing thick with the scent of gladiolas, the white haze of snowflakes slowing to almost a stop. Quite suddenly, Toni’s feet felt heavy, as though they were weighted down by cement, forcing her to stumble forward.
Wanda grabbed for her, righting her by throwing an arm around her waist and encouraging Toni to lean against her.