He promised me that she was in paradise.
These were the words that felt like my skin was being tattooed with. None of those words made up for the lie, because this whole time, for months, I’d been living as if my mother was alive and safe. I believed I would see her again, and I would hug her. I would get to tell her that I now believed those stories she’d used to tell me, the ones that I’d attributed to her sickness. Now I wouldn’t.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I pressed my lips together as another roar of rage, another scream of pain built in my chest. I was here and my mom . . .
She was gone.
She’d been gone for a long time now, and I had no idea. I went on with my life and hers had ended. How hadn’t I known? How could that even be possible?
Shifting forward, I planted my hands in the soil as my chest ripped open once more. The pain was so potent it was tangible, a bitter coating in my mouth and throat.
Everyone was gone now.
My grandparents. Erin, my roommate who also happened to be a furie. Solos. My mother. Seth.
A tremble rattled my arms as my fingers dug into the soil, scratching up nothing but dust. He should be here. The moment those words entered my thoughts, I couldn’t push them away or forge them. Seth should be here for this—for me, because I needed him.
I needed him at this moment more than I ever had.
“Josie?”
Inhaling sharply, I opened my eyes at the sound of Alex’s voice. I didn’t look or speak, and after a few moments, I felt her draw close.
Alex sat beside me, drawing her knees to her chest. “I’m not going to ask if you’re okay. I know you’re not.”
Lowering my chin, I lifted a shaky hand and pushed a few loose strands back from my face. I opened my mouth, but I couldn’t find any words.
Silence stretched between us, and then Alex said, “I had to kill my mom.”
That got my attention.
My head swung sharply in her direction. She was staring out over the ocean, her pretty face pensive. Maybe I’d heard this story before. In that moment, I couldn’t remember if Deacon had told me. “Why?” I managed to croak out.
Smoothing back her deep brown hair, she rested her chin on her knees. “My mom had pulled me out of the Covenant when she learned that I was to be the Apollyon. We lived as ordinary mortals until a group of daimons found us. They attacked, and I had to run away, you know? I thought they’d killed my mom. Aiden and Apollo—well, Apollo was known as Leon back then, but anyway, they found me and brought me back to the Covenant. I didn’t really let myself process what I believed to be her death.”
Faint sunlight touched her cheeks. “It was easier just not to think about it. After all, I had a lot going on. Probably wasn’t the smartest thing, but I learned later that my mom wasn’t dead. She’d been turned into a daimon, and she was hunting us—hunting me.”
“Why was . . . why was she doing that?”
She pressed her lips together. “She knew what I was. She retained all that knowledge after she was turned into a daimon. It changed her. Made her evil. She thought if she turned me, she could control the Apollyon.” Alex drew in a stuttered breath. “Once I knew she’d been turned, it became my duty to kill her.”
I shook my head. “And you did?”
She nodded as she looked over at me. “She never would’ve wanted to become what she had, and I couldn’t let her be that way. I found her and . . . and it was the hardest thing I’d ever done.”
I couldn’t even wrap my head around it.
“I know what you’re feeling,” she said quietly. “I’ve felt it twice. The anger. The pain.”
My lower lip trembled. “Something else we have in common.”
“Seems like we have some of the worst things in common,” she replied, a wry grin on her lips. “I know there is nothing I can tell you that’s really going to make you feel better except that I know your mother is in a better place.”
A flash of anger surged through me. “How do you know that?”
“Because I’ve been there.” Her eyes met mine, and for some dumb reason, I had forgotten that Alex had died a mortal death. “I’m there six months out of the year,” she continued. “I one hundred percent agree with whatever violent thoughts you have when it comes to Apollo, but no matter what, he would’ve made sure your mother is in the Elysian Fields. Anything she wants, she will have access to, and she is not alone. She’s most likely with your grandparents right now.”
If what Alex said was true, and I guessed it had to be true, I didn’t have to think of her as just . . . just ceasing to exist or being alone. Mom hated to be alone. Hope sparked alive. If Mom was in the Underworld, couldn’t I visit her? “Can I see her?”
A sad smile tugged at her lips. “To get into Elysian Fields when you do not belong there is not easy.”
“But I’m a demigod.”
“That doesn’t matter. You’d need Hades to cross you over or you’d have to enter through one of the gateways, and that isn’t simple. You’d have to travel through the Underworld to get to Elysium,” she explained. “And with you being a demigod, there are things down there that would sense you right away.” She paused. “Maybe one day, once everything settles down, Hades would allow you to visit her, but it is not something often allowed. Your mom is safe and most likely happy, but she is dead and the living do not visit the dead.”
Hope fizzled out. I bit down on my lip as I turned my head. “Except for you.”
“Except for Aiden and me,” she agreed.
Technically I’d died a mortal death when my powers had been unlocked, but it hadn’t been the same as Alex. I was simply a mortal one moment and a demigod the next. I wasn’t sent to the Underworld. I wasn’t sure I was even technically considered dead during any of it. “Do you visit your mom there?”
She hesitated. “Yes.”
That was something we didn’t have in common. I cast my gaze out over the ocean, wondering if what Apollo had said about Erin was true. For all I knew now, she could also be dead.
My chest hollowed out.
“It gets easier,” she stated. “It really does.”
I was going to have to take her word for that.
Dawn arrived as we sat side by side, and the sky turned a calm shade of blue, cloudless and endless. “Apollo is a shit father,” Alex said so suddenly that a harsh laugh escaped me. A small grin appeared on her face. “No. Seriously. He is.”
“Yeah,” I forced out, closing my eyes briefly.
“I think he tries. Like, he really probably thought he was doing the right thing by not telling you about your mom. The gods . . . they have a very messed-up view of things.” Alex straightened out her legs. “Nothing we do will ever change that.”
I gave a curt shake of my head. “He doesn’t try hard enough. He barely speaks to me when he’s here. He talks more to you and Aiden, and I know how that sounds. Like I’m jealous—” I exhaled raggedly. “I am jealous. You have a better relationship with him.”