I pause when I hear a sniffle from the living room and smile to myself in spite of my sadness. Resting my head against the door, I lift the letter up higher and raise my voice a little louder as I continue to read Eli’s story to me.
I want him to listen, I want him to hear and remember. Remember what it was like when two broken people could heal each other. Remember what it was like when he loved me so much that he lived through five years of hell to come back to me. Remember what it was like when two people from opposite worlds found everything they’d ever needed in each other, and never let it go. Not through war, not through death, not through pain, not through people trying to tear them apart, and certainly not through this.
We would make it through this as well, I had to believe that.
As I read Eli’s words, I imagine him leaning up against his side of the door, right behind me. I continue reading as I shift to my side, holding the letter in one hand and lifting the other over my arm to press my palm against the door. Resting my head right next to my hand, I keep right on reading, imagining him holding his hand up against mine through the door. It becomes so real that I can almost imagine I feel the heat from his hand against mine through the thick wood.
I keep reading until my voice gets hoarse. I keep reading until I have to struggle to keep my eyes open. I keep trying to get through to him the only way I know how, and I refuse to stop fighting.
I won’t give up, I won’t leave, and I won’t stop until he comes back to me.
Chapter 32
Eli
You’re an asshole, have I mentioned that lately?”
I try to ignore the voice that never fucking shuts up, but it’s impossible. He’s been locked in this room with me for ten days, and no matter what I do, he won’t go away. I’ve sat here with my back pressed to the door, listening to Shelby read those letters I wrote, refusing to go away, refusing to stop trying, and I just can’t make that fucking voice shut up.
Every time I’m tempted to open that door, crawl across the floor and into her arms, he says something else and it reminds me how screwed up I am.
My hand has been pressed against the door since Shelby first started reading and I still kept it pressed there long after she quieted and I assumed she fell asleep. As much as I hated hearing her on the other side of the door and knowing I couldn’t go to her, her voice is the only thing that quiets the one in my head. When she’s reading those letters, when I close my eyes and just listen to the soft cadence of her voice, Rylan disappears. He doesn’t speak, he doesn’t flop down on my bed, he doesn’t bitch at me, he just goes away. As soon as Shelby stops talking, he’s right back in this room again, dragging me through hell and splitting my mind in two.
“Will you just open the fucking door already?” he shouts in frustration and I hear the bed creak.
My hand slides down the wood and I keep my head pressed against the door, refusing to look across the room. Part of me wants to look and see him standing there, so real and so alive because then it wouldn’t hurt so much. But then I remember he’s not real or alive, and if I’m still seeing him in this room, I’m still fucked.
“You’re not real, you’re not real, you’re not real,” I chant quietly to myself with my eyes still closed.
“No shit, Sherlock!” Rylan shouts. “I’m not real, so let me fucking go!”
With a growl, I scramble to my feet and stomp across the room, so fed up with this bullshit and feeling like I’m going crazy and just wanting it to stop.
“Don’t you think I’m trying?” I argue back. “I don’t want you in my head! I don’t want to see you standing here when I know it’s not real!”
He scoffs at me and rolls his eyes. “You’re not trying. You’re giving up. Everything you need is on the other side of that door and you refuse to open it.”
I shake my head and take a step back from him.
“I can’t do that to her. I can’t hurt her or put her through this. She has enough problems in her life right now, she doesn’t need another one.”
Rylan advances on me and gets right in my face.
“You think this isn’t already hurting her? You think pushing her away and not giving her a chance to help you doesn’t kill her?” Rylan fires back angrily. “She went through hell for you. She gave up her entire life for you. She let people dictate her every move for fucking years to keep you safe. After everything she sacrificed, you’re just going to let her go? She gave up her life and her happiness to save you, and she doesn’t even get you in the end? What kind of bullshit is that?”
I don’t understand what he’s saying, none of it makes sense, and I wonder if it’s possible to go even crazier than I already am.
“She’s been sleeping on the fucking floor for you. Reading those letters for you. She deserves a fucking light at the end of that tunnel, man, and for whatever reason, you’re that light for her. You’re going to deny her that after everything she’s done for you, after everything she was forced to do for you, just because you can’t wake the fuck up?” he yells angrily.
“What the hell are you talking about?” I whisper in disbelief.
“Don’t tick me off by pissing away the second chance you were given.”
He pokes his finger into my chest, getting in my face again.
“Just let. Me. Go.”
“I DON’T KNOW HOW!” I roar at him, wrapping my arms around my waist and dropping to my knees. “It was my fault, all my fault. I should have protected you, I should have stopped them. I tried to stop them but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t save you. Oh, God, I couldn’t save you!”
I rock myself back and forth, choking on my tears and the pain that threatens to rip my chest wide open.
Rylan squats down in front of me and pats me on the back.
“You couldn’t save me and I never expected you to, brother. It wasn’t your job to save me,” he tells me in a low voice. “We were thirty seconds away from both of us dying in that shithole, but it didn’t work out that way. You couldn’t save me, but you can still save her. She gave everything up to protect you. Just let me go.”
I force myself to look at him, clenching my teeth and lifting my head.
“What are you talking about? What does that mean?”
He smirks at me and shakes his head. “I’m not gonna to give you all the answers. Tell her to take off that watch she’s always wearing.”
I open my mouth to start losing my shit on him all over again, quickly snapping it closed when I realize he’s not just talking nonsense to make me crazy.