Blushing, Grace turned her back. “Why don’t we sit in the living room?” She filled two mugs with coffee and left him standing alone in the kitchen. Roman replaced the acorns on the plate. Strange how something so small and ordinary could fill him with so much hope.
Grace occupied the rocking chair, leaving him the whole sofa. She held her mug cupped tightly in both hands, a talisman. His was on the coffee table, a sizable barrier between them. He sat, but didn’t touch the mug. He hadn’t come for coffee.
“I came to apologize, Grace.” Something he’d never done before. “I didn’t treat you with the respect you deserved, and I’m sorry for that.” Pressing his palms together between his knees, he leaned forward, sending up a shotgun prayer. God, help me. “I was afraid to tell you how I felt about you.” She looked away, and he held off saying the rest, waiting for her to face him again before he went on. “I was in love with you then, and I’m in love with you now.” He’d never said those words to anyone and he saw the walls going up.
“I don’t want that kind of love, Roman.”
“I’m not finished.”
Lips parting, Grace’s eyes filled. She almost spilled her coffee. “I’m not sure I can listen.”
“Please?”
Setting the mug on a small lampstand table, Grace put her hands on her thighs before she looked at him in anguish. “Why did you come, Roman?”
“I laid out my fleece, and God said yes.” Why should she believe him? Just say the rest, Roman. “I came to ask you to marry me.”
“What?” She drew back, shocked.
“You heard me.” He knew what he was asking. Brian had given him a copy of the standard wedding vows once. Roman had some sense of the depth of commitment it would take for a relationship to last for the long haul, through all the challenges life would throw at them, not to mention the issues and personality traits they would each bring along. He knew it wouldn’t be easy for either of them. God knew what childhood issues and adult issues they had. Even with all that, they had God’s promises to stand on. Nothing is impossible for God. “Just to be clear, Grace, I want to love, honor, and cherish you for as long as we both live.”
Bowing her head, she clenched her hands in her lap. She shook her head. “I know what you think about women, Roman. The ones you meet in clubs. You don’t know as much about me as you think you do.” Tears spilled down her cheeks.
“I know you went to After Dark and met a guy, and Samuel is the result.”
Sucking in a breath, Grace stared at him, her cheeks blooming red and then going white. “Shanice told you?”
“Not as a betrayal. It all came out when I went with her to pick up a friend at After Dark.”
“Oh.” Grace covered her face.
Roman’s heart ached for the fear and uncertainty she’d suffered because of one night of forgetting herself. She had fought to keep her son, and now carried the responsibility alone. How many other women would have taken a different path? Thank God, Grace followed Him and not the crowd. “What Shanice didn’t know is I could be the guy she was talking about.”
Grace lowered her hands, frowning. “Why would you say something like that?”
“It’s not impossible. I used to hang out at After Dark regularly. I had a beach condo in Malibu around that time. I remember a girl with long, blonde hair who left in the middle of the night while I was in the bathroom. I don’t want to sound arrogant, but that had never happened before.” The few women he’d brought to his condo had been sent home in a cab—usually before they were ready to leave.
Another sin I confess, Lord. I treated women the way men treated my mother. “I’m not the man I used to be, Grace, but I’m still a long way from the one I want to be.”
“Women are held to a higher standard than men.” Her mouth tipped in a sad, knowing half smile. “Especially by men.”
Was she remembering the self-righteous remarks he’d made in Bodie? “You’re right, and it’s wrong. I’ve lived as a hypocrite for a long time.” He’d condemned a long-dead woman for being in the life his mother had lived, remembering how he’d suffered right along with her. He’d never seen Grace angry until that day. She hadn’t realized she was showing compassion for his mother. What did he know about what happened between his mother and father, what the circumstances were? What right did he have to judge anyone?
Grace’s expression was enigmatic. “Is that why you came? Because you think you could be Samuel’s father?”
“The girl I met told me she wanted to feel something.” Roman saw the flicker in her eyes. “I wanted the same thing. And I’m not talking about sex, Grace. I’m talking about connecting with someone emotionally.” He’d never understood the pent-up longing until Grace showed up and their relationship progressed. “I’m not explaining very well.” He tried to gather his thoughts. “It only took a day to understand you were never coming back to the cottage, and I’d blown everything with you. It took me months to work through all the reasons you had to leave and what I needed to do to get right with God.” Again, that flicker. He’d been saved when she left, but he hadn’t been a Christ follower. And that made a fundamental difference in who he had been and who he was now.
They sat facing each other, the coffee table between them. Roman didn’t look away. “You admitted you loved me that night. You left because you wanted a man willing to commit, not a boy who wanted everything on his terms.”
“If we’re being honest, I left because I knew if I stayed, I wouldn’t be strong enough to say no a second time.”
“You did the right thing in leaving, Grace. I wouldn’t have left you alone.” He thanked God she hadn’t waited. Where would they be right now if she’d weakened? They’d be living together. She’d never have felt secure and cherished, and he’d still be the same arrogant, self-centered jerk he’d been then. If Grace hadn’t fled, he might never have felt the need to examine his life and realize he had to let God change him from the inside out.
Grace looked troubled. “How could Samuel be your son, Roman? You said you’ve always taken precautions to avoid fathering a child.”
How many other callow things had he said in his lifetime? “I had a standard.” He gave a bleak laugh. “Not much of one, I’ll admit. I didn’t want to be like my father: get a girl pregnant and walk away.” Hardly an excuse, but the truth. “My mother never told me who he was, left that line blank on my birth certificate. Maybe she didn’t even know, and I have no way of finding out.”
Throat constricting, Roman struggled with a tide of emotions. “Crazy as it sounds, I missed my father. I know that might not make sense to you, but I needed him.” Over the last few days, his eyes had been opened. “Jasper tried to fill the gap, but I wouldn’t let him. Chet tried, too. I had walls up. When I accepted Christ, I found my Father. But there’s still that flip side. I still wonder.” He was silent a moment, praying. Jesus, help her understand what I can’t explain to myself, let alone another human being.
Time to put all his hopes on the table. “I love you, Grace. I want to marry you. I don’t know Samuel yet, but he’s your son, and that’s enough reason for me to love him.” Grace’s brown eyes softened. Was that love or compassion? “I didn’t tell you all that so you’d feel sorry for me.”
“I don’t.”
“A boy needs a father.”
Her eyes filled. “So does a girl.”
“Maybe that’s why God sent the angel to you.” His heart beat faster at the warmth in her expression. “If you say yes, we’ll go through premarriage counseling.” Shanice had told him about Patrick. “We’ll both do our own homework. If we keep Jesus front and center, we’ll make it through whatever this life throws at us.” His palms felt moist. He hadn’t thought to ask if she had met someone else. Another Brian Henley type who would be perfect for her instead of someone like him. “You told me once that you loved me. Do you still love me, Grace?”
“I’ve been trying very hard to get over you.”
“Any luck with that?”
“None.” Her lips tipped up.
Roman let out a breath. “Thank You, Jesus.”