“Wren,” he greeted, and I fought against the urge to shudder at the sound of my name on his lips. It called to me and put me on alert all at once.
I kept my eyes trained on his, and not much had changed, yet everything had. His hair was still dark and trim, clean cut and styled to perfection. He didn’t have to smile for me to know he still had the same white teeth, perfectly aligned except for the small overbite that I used to love so much. He was dressed in a beige suit, as if he’d come from the office, except his office was a dental practice, so it didn’t make sense. No, he hadn’t come from work, he’d come dressed up for me.
And here I was in the same pair of leggings and sweatshirt I’d been wearing for three days straight, hair a mess on top of my head, not a stitch of makeup on.
But I didn’t care what he thought.
He was waiting for me to speak, but I had nothing to say. I didn’t have to ask how he’d found me—my mother was the obvious answer. I didn’t want to ask why he was here. The only thing I did want was to be able to close my eyes and not see him standing there when I opened them again.
And that broke my heart.
Because he was the man I loved for a decade, the man I shared a bed with, shared a life with, and now he seemed so foreign to me. He was everything I’d been and everything I wouldn’t be again, and I realized in that moment that the war between familiar and strange would never pronounce a winner when it came to my emotions and my ex-husband. Both were present, both were strong, and neither would forfeit.
“I’m sorry I showed up unannounced,” he said, but he wasn’t sorry at all. If he was he wouldn’t have come at all. “I just... I wanted to see you. You haven’t answered any of my calls and I was worried.”
I was so confused. Everything inside me screamed for me to stay silent, to be defensive, to shield my heart, and yet a tiny voice inside seemed to speak louder than the screams. It told me to relax, to be open, to be kind. Keith was broken, just like me, and I knew he’d probably tried to talk himself out of coming multiple times. But he was here, because he was hurting, and I couldn’t be mad at that.
“It’s okay.”
That was all I could offer, and it felt somewhat like a compromise. Keith’s face lit up with the faintest smile as his eyes searched mine. “You look happy, my baby bird. This place suits you.”
The nickname that used to make me feel safe only made me want to cry now. I had no idea how to react to him, no idea what to say or how to stand. It was suddenly too hot and I picked at the neck of my sweater, peering up at the sun filtering in between the trees before I let my gaze land on him again.
“Thank you.”
He was being sweet.
It hurt worse than when he was a monster.
“So, what have you been up to?” he asked, as if casual conversation between us was normal. He nodded toward my sketchbook I’d abandoned on the bench. “I see you’re still working hard. Finding a lot of inspiration out here?”
For a moment I just stared at him, stomach still so unsettled, but finally I forced a breath and told myself to relax. This was my ex-husband, my best friend of ten years. I could get through a conversation with him, even if I hadn’t expected to have to.
“I’ve been doing a lot of things. Hiking, swimming, dancing in the kitchen.”
Keith chuckled. “That’s a sight I remember well.”
I tried to think of the last time I’d danced in our home, and I couldn’t recall a single time. But I didn’t even bother correcting him. There was no use fighting.
“And, yes, I’ve been sketching, but nothing impressive has come of it. It’s just kind of hard right now...”
My voice trailed off, because I’d already said too much. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him to know that I’d been suffering, too, but I felt it—the window he’d been staring at. I’d just opened it a little wider, and he was ready to climb inside.
“I get that,” he said, rubbing his chin as his eyes fell to my feet. “I’ve been a complete mess. I miss you so much, Wren.”
His voice choked a little on my name and I swallowed hard, fighting back my own emotions. He glanced up at me, asking me for something I couldn’t give, but I at least owed him the truth.
“I miss you, too.”
It was true, and he needed to hear it. Surprisingly, it made me feel better to say it, and a small fraction of the weight crushing my chest was lifted.
“Nothing makes sense without you. I can barely eat, barely sleep. And yet I see you posting pictures online of you with your new friends out here, drinking beer and having picnics.”
He was referring to the pig roast, and I remembered why I wanted to block him on social media. It felt weird to do, and I had wanted us to remain friends, but if I was being honest with myself I knew that would never happen. He saw what I’d posted as me “moving on” and being just fine.
“I’ve loved every minute here,” I answered him truthfully. “The good times with the people I’ve met and also the hard times with just me alone. Yes, I’ve had fun. But I’ve also been miserable.” I swallowed. “This is just as hard on me as it is on you. Our entire lives are in upheaval. It would be weird for either of us to be fine.”
He nodded. “So you think about me, too?”
I debated how to answer that question, but I’d been truthful and that felt like the right way to be. So, I answered honestly with a shaky breath and a threat of tears tightening my throat. “Every day.”
“Then come home.”
And there it was.
I closed my eyes, the tiniest shake of my head answer enough for both of us but he waited for words. “Don’t do this, Keith.”
“Do what?” he asked, voice desperate as he stepped toward me. I backed up just an inch, just enough to let him know it wasn’t okay to come closer. “Look at us. I know you still love me. And you just said you miss me, that you think of me. So why are you putting us through this? We can work on our marriage. We can make this right.”
“Our marriage ended seven months ago,” I reminded him. “And you know why I’m putting us through this.”
“This doesn’t make any sense!” he yelled, eyes wide. “It’s all so stupid. It’s easy to fix. I’ll be more supportive, I know your business is important to you. And I’ll go to anger management. We can do counseling.”
“We did counseling!”
“Why won’t you just try?!”