Something moved inside Anton’s chest, and for a moment it felt physical—not painful, really, but a physical sensation, like an extra heartbeat. Then he recognized it. It was joy. Joy bubbling within him, its edges laced with fear but not the paralyzing kind of fear, not fear that made you afraid to look or move. The right kind of fear, the kind a man feels before he jumps off a cliff into startlingly blue icy-cold waters and knows that it will be all right, because mid-fall, he will learn to fly. The kind of exhilarating fear that pulls joy along in its wake. He was about to jump off a cliff. He couldn’t really see the way after that, but it didn’t matter.
He leaned over and put his arm around Carine. “Thank you,” he said, and he knew his voice was different, more confident.
“For what?” she said, her eyebrows raised.
He kissed her on the cheek. “You’ll understand that I can’t stay tonight,” he said. “You’ll explain to the boys?” And he was on his feet, brushing past her.
“Wait. Anton. Where’re you going?”
He turned his head to look at her as he headed out of the sunroom and into the bedroom to grab his things. “Home,” he said. “I’m going home. I’m off to see my mam.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
He phoned Katherine minutes after he got on the freeway. He let her swear at him for a minute, call him irresponsible, selfish, and a few choice names, and then he interrupted her. “I have to tell you something. Actually, I have to tell you everything, Katherine. But you can’t hang up on me until I’m done. Even though you’ll want to. Can you promise?”
She almost broke her word when he told her about the two days he’d spent with Carine and her sons, even though he emphasized the presence of the two young boys. He heard her sharp intake of breath and spoke fast, telling her about Carine’s husband and explaining that he’d lied only because it had been too difficult to say it all on the phone right then. She gasped again when he told her what David had done and about the uncashed check. “If what you’re saying is true, Anton, that’s criminal. That’s a criminal offense.”
“It’s true,” he said simply. “It’s all true.”
“But why?” Katherine cried. “I mean, he could’ve adopted any kid that he wanted, for God’s sake.”
He pretended to be insulted. “Excuse me,” he said. “A great kid like me doesn’t come around every day, you know.”
There was a stunned silence, and then Katherine said, “I can’t believe you can even joke about this. I mean, I’m in shock.”
He was immediately contrite. “I’m not. Really. I’m still processing it. Honestly, I feel like someone’s beaten me on the head with a baseball bat. I mean, my God, Katherine. This is a man whom I adored. Adore. And that’s the reason why I couldn’t rush home. I need some time—and distance—to process what I’ve found out. Do you understand?”
There was another silence. “And did Carine help you . . . process it?” Katherine asked carefully.
He heard the hurt in her question and shook his head impatiently. “I did talk to her,” he said. “But babe, you gotta understand—the reason I could talk to Carine was precisely because she’s not close to the situation. And that’s exactly why I couldn’t talk to you. Because I needed an objective listener, and she . . . Carine . . . well, she’s not in love with me. So she could be dispassionate. Whereas you . . .” It was sounding fake to him, like some bullshit line a cheating husband fed to his wife, and he wondered if Katherine was hearing it the same way. He sighed. This was not a conversation to be had while they were several states apart. On the other hand, he appreciated her resilience, her toughness in abiding by her promise and not hanging up. She was lovely, Katherine, and he was suddenly sure he wanted her in his life for a long time to come.
“This is very difficult,” he said quietly. “And doing it long-distance makes it harder. I’m sorry. But I didn’t want to lie to you another minute. I know it’s asking you for a lot, Katherine. I know how this looks. But—”
“Where’re you now?” she interrupted.
He exhaled, knowing he was about to drop another bombshell on her. “Driving back. To her. To my mam.”
“I was hoping you’d say that,” Katherine said, and he slackened his grip on the steering wheel. He had been unaware that he had been gripping it that hard.
“You were?” He felt his eyes fill with tears and was about to blink them back when he remembered what Carine had accused him of. He let them roll.
“Of course. You need to spend time with her. Do you have any idea how long you’ll be away?”
He mulled over her question, and even though he was still crying, he smiled. He felt his chest expand and fill with lightness. “Katherine. I have no friggin’ idea. I don’t know what I’m gonna say to her or what we’ll eat for dinner tonight or where I’ll sleep. All I know is I’m gonna fling my arms around my mam and hug her senseless.”
He heard the smile in her voice. “That sounds like a plan.” Then her voice grew serious. “But what’re we going to do about the media, Anton? Come Monday they will be circling like vultures. Brad’s going to go crazy trying to keep them at bay.”
His chest constricted again at this reminder of his real life. “I know,” he said miserably. “I don’t think Brad’s ever going to speak to me again. It’s just that . . . the thought of campaigning is just beyond me right now. I’m sorry I’ve left you guys a mess to clean up. I have no clue what we’ll tell the media.”
Katherine’s voice was cool, thoughtful. “What if we tell them the truth?”
Anton grimaced. “The truth?”
“Not all of it, of course. Just that your long-lost mom reached out to you. And you went out to see her. And are now spending a few days catching up.”
It was brilliant, really. The truth. Not the whole truth, naturally, but enough of it. A simple, elegant way out of their dilemma. “Brad can’t tell them where I am,” he said, warming up to the idea. “No details at all. I don’t want the press crawling around her place, messing up her life.”
“Fair enough.” Katherine was quiet for a moment and then asked, “Anton. What is she like?”
A feeling of pride swept over Anton. He grinned broadly. “Mam? She’s pretty cool, actually. You’d like her, Kat.” And even as he said those words, he knew it was true. Katherine would be able to see past Juanita’s lack of education and poor grammar to her quiet, heroic core. It would take some time, but the two of them would grow comfortable around each other.
“If she’s anything like you, I’m sure I will.”
He swallowed. “You’re the best, you know that?” he said. “If the roles were reversed, if you’d spent the last two days with an old boyfriend, I don’t know if I could’ve forgiven you as easily.”
“Anton,” she said quietly. “Love is not love without trust.”
He fell silent, thinking of what she’d said.
“Hello?”
“I’m here.”
“Okay, well . . .”
“I love you, Kat,” he said. “And I really hope to spend my days with you.”
“Honey. If this is some kind of a lame long-distance marriage proposal . . .”
He laughed dutifully. “No. It isn’t. But we need to talk when I get home. I have so very much I need to tell you.”
“I think I like this new Anton.”
“From now on, this is the only Anton you’ll see. I promise.”
CHAPTER FORTY