"And I didn't even have to run over your science project with my bike," I tell her, reminding her of a time, long ago, when our worries were small and our worlds much simpler.
"You've always been such an asshole." She laughs at the memory I've conjured, both hands coming up to wipe the moisture from her cheeks. Then she goes quiet for a second, her eyes softening before she says, "Talk to her, Giles. If you won't talk to me, talk to her. Okay? How is she supposed to know you need her to be there for you, unless you tell her?"
I nod, but look away. There's no question about it, I need Julia like I need air. But there's still a wall even she, in all her efforts, hasn't managed to crack. A wall I'm not sure can ever be breached.
Chapter Forty-Three
Julia
LEX AND I SIT IN her office, enjoying a delicious meal of pasta from a nearby restaurant whose food we aren't sick and tired of looking at yet. The food at our work is really good, but when you watch people eating steaks and potatoes for hours and hours a day, you're okay not looking at another slab of beef for a while.
I ask Lex for a Mr. Suit update, the way I do every so often, and she tells me things are moving pretty fast between them. She's meeting his parents soon.
I don't know. She doesn't talk about him the way I imagine you'd talk about someone you are excited to be with. But how do you go about telling a friend they should be more excited about their own love life? The answer is you don't. Unless you're a jerk. But then, you probably don't have any friends to begin with.
I don't worry so much about Lex because I know that she's not the type of person to jump headfirst into anything. She's methodical and calculated about the way she lives her life. Organized and effective. The problem is that life isn't always about moving pieces into their right places. Sometimes a decision that's technically a smart move might not be the right one.
It doesn't take long for the conversation to move toward my own, newly minted sex life. I get a little uncomfortable at this.
"Don't be weird, Julia, I'm very much familiar with how sex works. Trust me, I started way too young and have been in pretty awkward situations. You can tell me. Was it awkward?"
"No, it wasn't. It was...incredible."
I don't realize my hands are running up and down the arms of the chair until Lex gives me a pointed look, smiling a little.
"Did he make you...?" She trails off but I know what she means, so I nod.
"Twice last night. And twice this morning."
"Damn," she says, impressed. "So every time you've done it, he's made you orgasm?"
"Why, is that weird?"
She shrugs. "It's not as easy for me and most women I know. But I'm glad he's...uh, doing something right."
I'm chewing on my lip, giddy excitement rushing through me like I'm sharing my Christmas presents. "I feel like a little girl, Lex. It's really embarrassing. I can't stop smiling when I think about it."
"Don't be embarrassed. It's exciting," she says, with a genuine smile. "So you guys are a couple now, eh?"
I feel my expression pull together at this question, but I'm not immediately sure why it sounds so strange. "Isn't it obvious?"
Her features soften into something less certain. "You two haven't talked about it?"
"Talked about what, exactly?"
"What's changed between you? Where you stand now? What this means going forward?"
I readjust in my seat, suddenly uncomfortable. Then I stall from having to respond by taking a small sip of soda. Lex is waiting for my answer, stirring the open container of pasta in her hand.
"You don't have to tell me more about it, if you don't want to," she says.
"No, I like talking about things with you, helps me sort stuff out in my own head. But to answer your question, no, we haven't talked about it yet."
"Okay." She shrugs then places a fork full of food into her mouth.
"Wait. You think we should?"
She chews quickly, bringing a napkin up to her mouth. "Uh, yeah. I think it's important."
I look down at my own food, the knots in my stomach suddenly affecting my appetite. I'm not sure why I'm so nervous. "I guess I just didn't think this was a conversation we needed to explicitly have."
"You can't just assume that sex equals commitment. It doesn't work that way for guys." She hesitates, then adds, "I mean, it's not a big deal if you don't make it a big deal."
Great. Now it's a big deal.
I'm suddenly filling up with dread and no amount of soda can wash away the taste. I don't want things between Giles and me to be casual in any way. I don't think he does, either.
"I told him from the beginning I didn't want to be friends with benefits."
"Yeah, but since then, you two have touched privates. And right before it all happened you two were still just friends, weren't you?"
I nod. Then I shove some pasta into my mouth just so that the pair of us can chew in silence for a while. It's ridiculous that the topic makes me nervous. Giles and I are good at talking about what's on our minds. I just have to approach him on the matter and put it to rest. He knows me well enough to know I'd never be okay with some half-assed relationship. But Lex is right. Part of adult relationships is having uncomfortable conversations, and though it may seem trivial and maybe even redundant, I need to be certain he and I are both on the same page.
"I don't mean to sound cynical," she says, and I nearly laugh because cynical is her middle name, "but in my experience, guys are perfectly content being in gray areas as long as they are getting what they want. It's the woman that has to push them one way or another, either explicitly demand it or implicitly ask for it. Either way, the woman sets the tone of the relationship. You know the saying...men will take the cake you bake, they will eat it, and they will not share what's left."
"I don't think that's how the saying goes," I say with a snort. "But okay, I'll talk to him about it tonight."
Another few minutes of silence follow where we chew our meals. Then the reason for all my nerves comes bubbling to the surface of my lips.
"What if I'm wrong about everything? What if I have to walk down to my end of the hall with a broken heart?"
"Then you call me," Lex says, "and I'll come get you. You can spend the night at my place, if you need to."
I nod but remain silent.
Lex watches me for a moment, a fleeting expression crossing her face before she says, "Don't be scared of a broken heart. It mends back stronger."
I hope I never have to find out.
Once I do get home, I find myself stalling. Usually, I take a shower and go to my room to change before slipping down the hall to Giles. But tonight, I dress in my pajamas and lie on my own bed.