Easy Nights (Boudreaux #6)

“Yes, you should. I want to hear why you think that you can’t be with Ben.”

“Okay, there’s the little fact that he’s my brothers’ best friend. That immediately makes him off-limits.”

“Except that your brothers have encouraged him to ask you out,” she reminds me. “Also, you’re not sixteen.”

“Kate, he’s part of our family. If it doesn’t work out, it’ll ruin that. We all love him and his mother. I can’t risk a lifetime of family relationships just because I want to climb him like a tree and have my way with him.”

“Well, Ben’s hot, so that’s pretty normal if you ask me.”

“Gabby and Charly would never think of him like that.”

“Gabby and Charly aren’t in love with him.”

I take a deep breath, and rather than admit to what she just said, I keep talking.

“Also, I’m broken, Kate. I don’t know if I could handle him touching me in an intimate way. I mean, I’ve come a long way, and I find him so attractive, but what if in the heat of the moment I can’t do it?”

“Well, then you say so and he backs off.” She reaches over and squeezes my hand. “Ben would never make you do something you’re not comfortable with.”

“I know.”

“Do you? Because you can’t equate love to the bullshit you were in before. That wasn’t even in the same vicinity as love.”

“No. It wasn’t.”

“Besides, when you think of Ben kissing you, do you automatically want to throw up?”

I think back on the previous night at my place and shake my head. “No. Not at all.”

“Well, there you go. Besides, Van, you’re not broken.”

I frown again, but she keeps going.

“You’re not broken. You know that I was in a similar relationship before Eli. I thought he’d broken me too, but Eli said something that always sticks with me. He said, he hurt you, but no one broke you.”

“My brother can be nice.”

She smiles.

“It was the truth. And it’s true for you too. You’re not broken.”

“I can’t give him children,” I blurt out and then cover my mouth with my hand, staring at Kate in horror.

I’ve never told anyone this before.

She cocks her head to the side, watching me. “Why?”

I swallow and blink, gathering my thoughts.

“Because he hurt me so badly over so much time that I’m infertile.”

Her eyes simultaneously narrow and fill with tears.

“I want to kill that motherfucker.”

“Well, get in line, because there’s a whole slew of us that want the same thing. The point is, even if I could convince myself to risk the relationship our families have, it wouldn’t be fair to Ben. He should have kids, and I can’t give him that.”

“Oh boy,” she whispers and pinches the bridge of her nose. “All I’ve heard from you is excuses, Van. You’re making decisions for both of you without asking Ben what he wants. You both need to stop being so afraid of each other.”

“I just don’t know how it could work,” I reply softly. “For the first time in years, I’m physically attracted to a man, and it’s Ben. I’m sure it’s because I trust him, and I’ve known him forever, so it doesn’t scare me to think about being with him in that way.”

“Are you nine? Use your big girl words.”

“I want to have sex with the man.” I shrug. “I can admit it. But this isn’t someone new who doesn’t matter.”

“Nope, it’s Ben, and that’s why I think it’s perfect.”

I sigh. “I don’t think I’m any less confused than I was when I arrived.”

“That’s okay,” Kate says just as little Coraline begins to fuss over the baby monitor. “You don’t have to have it all figured out today. I’m sorry he hurt your feelings.”

Is it that simple?

I guess, at the root of it, that’s it. He hurt my feelings.

And I ran off to sulk like a child rather than try to talk to him.

“I have to get the baby.”

“Can I come? She won’t be little for very long, and I’d love to snuggle her.”

“Of course.” She leads me inside and to Coraline’s nursery. She’s sucking on her tiny fist, her feet kicking about.

“She’s so dang sweet,” I whisper just as she smiles up at me. “And she’s a charmer too.”

“I’m going to have to lock her up when she’s a teenager.”

I laugh and reach in her bassinet to pick her up and cuddle her, breathing in the baby smell.

And another smell as well.

“She needs to be changed.”

“I think we can trust you to do that.”

I wrinkle my nose and look down at the baby. “No peeing on me. Okay?”

She grins again and stuffs her fist back in her mouth.

“That didn’t look promising.”

Kate laughs as she fetches me a fresh diaper.

“Good luck, Aunt Van.”

***

I’m settled in at home later in the evening, catching up on bills and social media, sipping wine and enjoying the hell out of my fireplace when someone rings my doorbell. It’s moments like this that I wish I had a dog. A big dog. Because even though I’ve come a long way, it would be nice to have the extra protection.

Pull your big girl panties on and answer the stupid door.

I peek out the window and frown.

Ben.

He cocks a brow at me and waits patiently. I could walk away, but that’s just mean, and I’ve never been mean.

So I open the door and do my best to block his way inside.

“Hi.” He offers me a tentative smile.

“Hello.”

“Can I come in?”

“No.”

He nods and looks down at his feet.

“Okay, that’s fair. But I hope you’ll change your mind because I have some things to say.”

“Why aren’t you with your mom?”

“Because she kicked me out. She said she didn’t need me to hover all night long. I’ll go back in the morning.”

“How is she?”

He smiles. “She’s doing well. They only had to take the toe.”

“I’m relieved to hear that. But you could have just texted.”

“That’s not why I’m here.” He slaps his hand on the door when I would have shut it. “I’m here about you.”

I’m not going to win this fight. He would leave if I got forceful about it, but then I’d kick myself for it later, and wonder what he wanted to say.

So, I turn and walk back into the living room. Ben shuts the door behind him and joins me.

Neither of us sits.

“I really want to apologize.”

“Me too,” I reply and bite my lip.

He frowns. “Why do you need to apologize? You didn’t say anything.”

“Well, the thoughts in my head were pretty bad. I might have called you a few names.”

His lips twitch with humor, but then he gets serious again.

“I didn’t mean to be so blunt earlier, Van.”

“Being blunt is better than talking in circles, and far less exhausting,” I reply.

“It’s hurtful, and hurting you is the last thing I would ever want to do. I want to explain.”

“There’s really not much to say, Ben. You don’t want to be my friend anymore. And I can live with that, but it will make family gatherings a little weird.”

“Van—”

“Okay, a lot weird.”

“No, you’re wrong. I do want to be your friend. I am your friend. But it’s also killing me.”