“Then to answer your question I do it because I want to be more than the stories reflected on my skin,” I said. I’d never spoken those words aloud, not even to Nritti. And once I had freed them from my thoughts, I couldn’t seem to stop: “I want to make things that are true. I want to write my own legacy in the stars instead of simply having the stars be my legacy.”
As I spoke, rage flickered in my voice. I thought of all the times I had tried to push for more and all the times the world had pushed back. When you had everything, what was more? When I looked into the Dharma Raja’s eyes, I saw a shadow of that craving. That desire for the bone-deep contentment of wanting nothing. I craved that fullness. I craved it every time I woke to a fresh dusk and fell into my solitary work, knowing that this copse of trees and slice of time was all I possessed. I craved it when I walked through the Night Bazaar, arms full of dream fruit and wondering if any of their flavors would last beyond sleep’s fickle memory.
He tilted his head, considering this. “You want power.”
“Recognition.”
“Same thing,” he said, waving a hand. “My kingdom could use someone like you. A queen with fury in her heart and shadows in her smile. Someone restless and clever.”
Queen. Being queen—especially of a realm like Naraka—was a position bristling with power. But simply because time grew in abundance didn’t mean that it should be squandered. Besides, the Dharma Raja himself said that I should expect no love in our marriage. Who would ever want that? I’d forgotten how many times Nritti and I had spoken of finding love. And the truth was that I wanted to spend my life with someone who made eternity too short. I wanted a love that time could never erode, a foundation that would grow spires and turrets large enough to swallow constellations. And yet I wanted love like a home, a corner of the universe built for two and snug as skin. I wouldn’t settle for less. Queen or no.
“I will not have you,” I said.
“Rather hasty.”
“So was your proposal. Choose another.”
“I choose you.”
His cold arrogance splintered. And beneath it, I saw someone who looked as hesitant as I felt. My hands dropped from my body. For a split second, I let myself revel in the knowledge that he wanted me. He, whom so many others had blindly tried to discover behind the samite curtains of Teej. He, who ruled Naraka with an iron fist and a flinty gaze but was as notorious for his honor as he was his isolation. He … who had introduced himself as a lowly painter who tries each night, in vain, to capture evening herself.
I narrowed my eyes.
“Regretfully, oh Dharma Raja, I must reject your proposal,” I said, dropping into a half-curtsy that could best be described as an unfortunate flop. “And out of the goodness in my heart, I must warn you that should you inflict that horrific introductory line on any other woman, she will probably reject you too.”
His gaze dropped. Nritti would be horrified with me. I had insulted the Dharma Raja. As I watched him, I noticed that his shoulders had begun to shake. He was … laughing. He threw his head back, laughing all the while. When he finally stopped, he looked me in the eye and said: “May I visit you again? If you do not wish it, I will not return. I would not disrespect your wishes.”
“But … but I just rejected you.”
“I prefer the challenge of courtship.”
He made it sound as if this was a game. I found myself intrigued, but not enchanted. And certainly not in love. I pushed out the memory of the first time I saw him and that inexplicable surge between us that felt like a secret I’d forgotten. If he wanted to play a game with me, then so be it. I have never lost.
“I have nothing better to do, so I suppose I can indulge my curiosity,” I said, lifting my chin. “For your own sake, please don’t imagine that means I’m interested in becoming your queen. I won’t marry without love. And you refuse to marry with love. So it seems we are at an impasse.”
“So it seems. But you may surprise yourself in finding what matters more to you,” he said smoothly. “I’ve spent eons wandering. Do you know how many times I’ve been offered everything if only I would let them live? Men have offered their wives in their stead. Mothers have sometimes tried to exchange one child’s life for another. Lovers will suddenly have a change of heart when one meets the dagger and the other is left wondering whether life without them is quite so dismal after all.”
Even as he spoke, ambition lit up my thoughts. If I never found love, would it be so bad to possess every other dream of mine but that one? But then I steeled myself. I had seen the loss of love too often and soothed too many lonely hearts to sleep that I refused to live that way.
“We will see whose thoughts win out in the end.”
“I never lose.”
I smiled. “Neither do I.”
“I suspect that over the course of our courtship, you may feel differently.”
“You’ll court me with tales of bitter disillusionment and jaded tales of love? Please excuse me while I swoon at your feet.”
He fell quiet for a second and pain flickered over his face. Then, just as quickly, he resumed his collected demeanor.
“It is customary to bring gifts when courting,” he said. “Do you … want anything?”
“Of course I want things.” I laughed. “I want the moon for my throne. Stars to wear in my hair. A garden unlike any in all the realms.”
He considered this. “It shall be done. I will take my leave of you now.”
“You’ll come back tomorrow?” I asked.
He looked at me, bewildered. As if the thought of not coming back was nothing short of impossible.
“And the next day. And the day after that.”
“For how long?”
“As long as it takes.”
“And if I never say yes?”
“If that is the case, then I hope you’d take pity on me and tell me never to return. Even death shows mercy, for at least it is an ending.”
When he left, sticky warmth seeped into my grove of trees. I never liked the heat. Nritti loved basking in the sun, but I preferred the cold. When the Dharma Raja stood before me, the very atmosphere had turned cool and winter-scented. Maybe that’s why I had relaxed in his presence. Even now, my body hungered for the cold of him. I stared at the spot where he had disappeared. As long as it takes.
What exactly had I agreed to?
And why would he ask for a marriage without love?
*