“I didn’t want to go to the show, and I tried to argue, but I … I just wanted to see you so badly, and I didn’t want to upset you any worse than I already had, not until I had a chance to talk to you.” She took a breath and looked down again. “I know I don’t deserve you, and I don’t deserve another shot, but I need to know if I have one. Is there a way to go back? To fix things?”
I ran my fingers across my lips and tried to put the words together the right way. “Penny, I’ve gotta be honest. Right now, I am just … I’m so done. You’re right; you hurt me, but I can’t even blame you. But this isn’t about the other night. This is about us. I can’t keep up with you like I thought I’d be able to. You were always honest — you told me from the jump what you wanted, but I didn’t listen. I thought … I thought I could tame you, convince you I was worth keeping. But I didn’t think about what it would cost me. Play with fire and get burned, right? And, Pen — you are fire.”
She took a breath but didn’t say anything, just worked her bottom lip between her teeth, chin flexed like she might cry.
Please, God, don’t let her cry.
“But the bottom line is that I can’t deal with this right now. I’ve put so much on hold for you, for us, but now … now I need to go all in with the game, with my dream. Our meeting is tomorrow, and we’ve got so much to do that I don’t have the bandwidth to figure out you and me. This game, Jude and Phil — this is my life. This is everything I’ve been working for, and it’s happening right now. And I can’t handle anything besides that. I’m sorry.”
She nodded, her breath shaky. I could see she was definitely about to cry, and I wanted to scoop her into my arms and hold her, tell her I wanted her and needed her. But what I’d said was true. Penny was a white-hot flame, and I was made of wax. Holding her would ruin me.
“I’m sorry too,” she said, looking up at me again with a smile meant to be brave.
That smile broke my heart into a thousand pieces, scattered on the floor with the broken glass of the penny jar.
She took a breath with shining eyes and said, “Hit me up, Bodie, if things change.”
And I nodded and watched her walk away.
* * *
Penny
I hurried away from Bodie with tears burning my throat and sneakers flying as I rushed down the stairs and outside, dragging in a breath so heavy with humidity and pain and regret that I felt like I was drowning.
It was over.
It was over, and it was my fault.
I wrapped my arms around my ribs and walked with no destination in mind, only desire to get as far away from my problems as humanly possible. Maybe I could find a cheap, last-minute flight to Tokyo. Or Budapest. Or Mars.
The exchange had been everything I’d feared, except somehow infinitely worse in reality than my imagination had been able to conjure. The look on his face, the resigned tone, the sadness in his eyes when he let me down gently.
But there was no amount of care that could have stopped me from breaking completely when I hit the ground.
The lump in my throat was sticky and hard, and I swallowed it down painfully only for it to bob back up.
Over, over, over. The word echoed with every footstep.
I’d come for closure and gotten it. I’d gotten it so hard, I might never get over it.
20
AVALANCHE
Bodie
Phil paced across the waiting room of Avalanche’s headquarters in Midtown, and I stared at my hands clasped between my knees with steam under the collar of my tailored shirt.
Jude seemed completely calm. The subtle fa?ade of not giving a fuck in action. It was for show, though. He was just as nervous as the rest of us were.
We’d presented our demo to a handful of execs, which was weird to say since they were wearing jeans. One guy even had a T-shirt on with a binary joke on it that made me think of Penny. Because even then, even during our presentation, she’d found a way into my head.
I’d done all the talking, and when they had gotten their hands on the controllers and started to play, I’d found hope. Every one of them had gone wide-eyed, and as I’d pitched the story to them, their smiles had brightened just enough to betray their attempts to keep their poker faces on.
It had gone well. Very well.
But I counted on nothing as we waited for them in the lobby of their office.
My palms were damp and nerves shot as our hopes and dreams hung in the balance of a few quiet minutes.
It won’t be the end if they don’t take us, I told myself.
There were dozens more companies we could pitch to if this didn’t work out, especially now that the demo was finished. But this … this was the holy grail, the absolute, the top of the list. The dream. The fact that we’d even gotten a meeting was unreal. The hopes of it getting better than that felt too slim to count on.
The doors to the conference room opened, and we were invited back, so we filed in and took seats. I was so nervous, I thought I might combust. But outwardly, I tried to keep cool, scanning their faces for some hint as to what they’d say.
Paul, the CEO spoke first. “I’d like to start by saying that we don’t make a habit of keeping designers here while we talk, but I have to say — we were impressed.”
Hope sprang, putting out the fear with a sizzle.
“You’ve hit all the high notes. The story is epic, and the twist … the twist just makes the whole thing sweeter. We see a three-game series over the course of six years. Breakneck, I know, but with our team and your brains, I think it’s feasible. That is, if you’re still interested in a partnership with us.”
I blinked, trying to remember to breathe. “Absolutely.”
Paul smiled. “Great. We’ve got to get with our team to put together the numbers, but we’d like to offer you a deal. This is one of the best demos we’ve seen — the hard work you’ve put into it is the real reason we feel comfortable taking the step — so we want you all to come in on lead positions to help us get the game produced just how you want it. You’ll retain a level of control over everything — story, content, gameplay, UI — though it’ll ultimately need approval. But I give you my word; this is your story, your vision, and because we like what we see, we’ll put our trust in you. What do you think?”
I glanced at Phil and Jude, who nodded their approval. And then I smiled back at Paul. “I think you’ve got yourself a deal.”
We beamed as we all shook hands, and with another meeting on the books to discuss details, the three of us headed out of the office. When we made it outside, we broke into jumps and laughter and back-clapping and bro hugs, and I thought my heart might blow from sheer joy. Because we’d done it. The hard work had paid off.
We’d just landed jobs at one of the best game design companies in America.
Once we caught our breaths, Phil pulled out his phone to call Angie, and Jude got his phone out too, wandering off to talk to who knew who.
Before I knew it, my phone was in my hand and my thumb was hovering over Penny’s name.