“Why is it so hard to believe that I wish to be with you, Kira?” He moves closer to me, ever determined, and his big hand touches my shoulder. It takes everything I have not to lean into that small touch. I’m so starved for love and affection that I don’t trust myself not to just fling my panties off simply because he represents some stability in this weird new life.
“Because we didn’t resonate to each other,” I say, tired. And we won’t, because my body won’t produce children, no matter how much I might want them. Or the guy standing next to me.
“Can we not take what pleasure that our bodies offer us?” He leans in closer, and I feel the heat of his body against mine even though I won’t look at him. “Can we not know the joy of touching another?”
“And then what?” I ask. “What happens when you resonate to someone else, or I do?”
He shrugs, his big body utterly casual. “Then life goes on and we celebrate the new union.”
And no one has any hard feelings? I find that hard to believe, but I keep my thoughts to myself. No jealousy? No burning resentment? No envy that someone else gets your lover?
He might be able to turn his feelings off with a switch, but I know I’m not built like that. I know that when I commit, I’m going to want to actually commit. To have a relationship, not just a fuck-buddy. To be loved and love in return.
Unfortunately for me, all Aehako can offer is a fuck-buddy.
“Not interested,” I lie, and give him my best Serious-Kira-is-Serious face. “So you might as well give up now.”
He sighs and gives his big head a small shake. “We will talk again, Sad Eyes. I am not giving up on you even if you have given up on yourself.” He reaches out and brushes a finger over my cheek, then walks away.
I’m left tingling from that small touch, and full of aching need. Why me? Why must I be the unluckiest girl alive?
Because I know the moment I give in to my wants and have a relationship with Aehako, that’s the moment he’s going to resonate to another woman.
And I’ll be left alone. Again.
It’s not until he’s halfway down the ridge that I realize I still have the leather-wrapped dildo in my hands. “Wait,” I call. “Take this back!”
He ignores me.
? ? ?
I remain outside until I can’t stand the cold any longer. Then, my fingers nippy with frost, my face chapped from the wind and my bag full of herbs, I finally return to the caves. The dildo is shoved into my herb bag since I don’t know what else to do with it, but it sticks out an obscene amount. Fact of the matter is, it’s huge. There’s no way any guy’s dick is this big. Not that I’m an expert on dicks, of course. I thought briefly about burying it in the snow but after all the time and effort Aehako put into it, it seems wrong.
Plus, I might want to study it a bit more when I’m alone.
I head inside and blow on my fingers to warm them. Gloves are a priority, as are snowshoes. Actually, we need a little bit of everything, if I’m being honest. Bras, panties – and I shudder to think what it’s going to be like when I get my period again. I missed it last month, but I’ve never been regular. Thank goodness, because these people wear leather, and it doesn’t make a great pair of underpants. Our options are pretty limited, though, and beggars certainly can’t be choosers. We’re lucky to be warm and fed.
The main cave is fairly quiet, though I wave at a few people that are hanging out in the central pool. During the day, a lot of the men go out and hunt for small game nearby, and the crafters work. Josie mentioned to me that Maylak’s husband Kashrem has a cave a short distance away that he uses for tanning, since it smells so bad that even our blunted senses get offended.
I head for the healer’s cave, and tap the wall outside since the leather curtain is drawn over the entrance. “Maylak?”
“Kay-sah,” she calls out. Come in, the translator intones in my ear.
I enter, and she’s not alone. Megan’s lying on the mat in front of the healer, and Maylak’s three-fingered hands are spread wide over her belly. Her eyes are glowing fiercely, which I have learned happens when she’s deep into her healing. In the corner, Maylak’s little girl, Esha, plays with a few bone toys.
“Oh. Is this a bad time?” I say it in English because we still don’t know the alien language.
“It’s okay,” Megan says with a soft smile. “I was just having Maylak check me out and stuff. To see if, you know…all my parts are working correctly or if the Little Green Men damaged something.”
When they gave her the abortion? Oh. I hadn’t even considered it. I sit down at the end of the mat while Maylak gives me a shy smile and then continues her work, pressing her hands gently on Megan’s stomach. The baby – she has to be two, max – sees me and toddles over with a happy gurgle.
No translation, the translator says. It’s baby talk. I grin and hold my hands out for Esha, and she hops into my lap, fearless. Her small blue hand immediately goes to my brow and she rubs it, feeling the difference between her ridged brow and my own.
“I was picking herbs and thought I’d drop them off,” I say by way of explanation. “Has she been able to find anything wrong?”
Megan shrugs but doesn’t get up. “There’s a bit of a language barrier, but so far she hasn’t freaked out.”
“That’s good,” I say, then stifle a laugh when Esha peels back my lip and examines my square teeth. Her own are sharp little fangs.
“Esha,” Maylak calls out and gives a small shake of her head.
“It’s okay,” I say, and bounce the baby a little. “I don’t mind.” I like children. I know Liz complained that she wasn’t ready to be a mom, and Georgie said she never thought about children, but I do. I think about them all the time. Maybe because I can’t have any.
Maylak pats Megan’s stomach and the hard glow in her eyes softens a bit. “Finished,” Maylak says in her language, and the translator automatically pings in with the words.
“She’s done,” I offer to Megan, who is looking at me, waiting.
“Am I okay?” Megan asks Maylak, sitting up. She puts a hand to her stomach and then moves her hands in a cradling motion, indicating a baby. “Is everything working properly?”
The healer nods and spouts a stream of the fluid alien language, gesturing at Megan’s stomach and then looking at me. They all know I can translate. Your womb has been wounded recently, Maylak says. There was a baby there once, but no longer. Your khui is repairing the damage. It is almost done, and when it is, there should be no reason why you should not be able to carry a child like any other woman. Give it a turn of the Little Moon and see.
I translate for Megan and wince when Esha’s small, grabbing hands discover my translator and pull on it. I gently tug her little fingers free, feeling envious of the growing smile of relief on Megan’s face.
“I’m so glad to hear that.” She gestures at the healer, who is looking at me. “You want to get her to look at you? See if there’s a reason why you’re not resonating?”
I bite my lip and then shake my head. “I know why I’m not.”
“What is it?” Her eyes are wide.
I hesitate. I’m so frightened to tell someone but I also feel the need to share my burden. I want someone to understand why I’m so uneasy. “My appendix burst when I was thirteen. I nearly died, and I was in the hospital for a long time. It caused several of my organs to become infected, and when I was better, the doctors told me I’d be unable to have children.” I shrug. “I know I won’t resonate because I’m not fertile.”
The look of sympathy in her eyes hurts. She glances at Maylak, who is unable to understand our conversation. “Maybe she can look. Maybe…”
I shake my head and snuggle Esha, watching out for the little horns jutting from her baby head. They’re tucked flat against her skull for now, but they’ll grow larger and more protruding later. “It is what it is. I just worry they’ll boot me out once they find out the truth.”
“I won’t say anything,” Megan says fiercely. “You have my word.”
“Thank you.” I give her a soft smile.
She returns my smile and then her expression changes and grows weird. A giggle escapes her throat. “Um, you got something you want to tell us?”