Chapter Six
On my sixteenth birthday, the Judge put me behind the wheel of the Chevy and took me to the police station for my driver’s test, just like he’d done with Nick. When I passed with flying colors, he handed over the Chevy’s keys and the title as my present from him. I was ecstatic.
“At least I know you’ll survive if you have a wreck in this one,” he told me. The Judge put no faith in the fiberglass bodies on new cars, said they offered about as much protection as an eggshell.
Nick had graduated from high school that spring and now worked full-time as a mechanic at Paul Hawkins’ garage. On the evening of my birthday, he took me out to his room and gave me my present. It was one of those necklaces that look like half of a broken heart. His name was on the back, and while I was trying not to cry, he pulled the other half out from under his shirt and showed me where my name was etched. I couldn’t help myself. I kissed him. And I knew right away that I might have bitten off more than I could chew.
It was the first time we’d really kissed since that day in the cellar, but Nick had been a boy then. Now he was, at least physically, a man. And he was hungry. There was no hesitation when he returned the kiss, and it washed every other thought out of my head. I felt like I was being devoured. Heat like I’d never known slammed into me and I wanted to melt into him and never come out again.
But while Nick’s body tensed and his hands moved over me restlessly, a tiny fear grew in my mind. I wanted him, but I knew it was going to hurt the first time. And that fear was all tied up with the small town morality I’d grown up with. Good girls didn’t, not until they had a ring on their finger. Bad girls did, and they always paid for their mistakes.
“Nick…”
His hands went still on my back and he lifted his head to look at me. A shudder ran over him and he closed his eyes, dropping his forehead to mine. “I know.” His voice was husky. “Just give me a second.” His arms tightened around me and I rested my head on his chest.
“I love you.”
I could hear the wry smile in his words when he answered. “Now is not the best time in the world to tell me that.”
“I know.”
We were silent for a few minutes as he got himself under control.
“Nick? Have you ever…”
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“No.” He lifted his head again, studied me. “I’ve thought about it, but it never seemed right.”
The idea of him making love to anyone else sent a shaft of pain straight through my middle. “You better wait on me, damn it.”
“I don’t think I have much choice.” He brushed my hair back. “You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted, Alix, the only one I’ll ever want. That’s a promise.” He smiled. “But I don’t want to push you into anything you’re not ready for.” I nodded. “Maybe we could…practice sometimes?” Okay, so I liked the way he’d made me feel and wanted more of it.
His chuckle was low and deep. “God, you’re going to kill me, aren’t you? Now, turn around and I’ll put the necklace on for you.” When he’d fastened it, I picked it up and slid it under my shirt, swearing never to take it off. And for the next year we did “practice” occasionally, but Nick was always very careful to keep things on an even keel. It was one of the happiest years of my life.
Looking back, I wonder why we were so secretive about our relationship. We never let on how we felt about each other in front of others, almost as though we’d made a pact. I think Aunt Jane knew. A few times when Nick was eating dinner with us I’d catch her looking from him to me, a sadness in her gaze that sent chills over my skin.
I’d been catching a lot of grief from Mama and Aunt Darla after my seventeenth birthday because I didn’t appear interested in dating.
“It’s just not natural for a girl your age to ignore boys,” Aunt Darla declared.
The whole family, Nick included, was sitting on the front porch that evening, and of course, everyone had an opinion.
“I don’t ignore them,” I told her. “I just don’t date them.”
“Sweetheart, surely there’s someone you like?” Mama said. “What about Hugh?
Helena told me he’s asked you to the movies.”
“I didn’t like what was playing.” I glanced at Nick and rolled my eyes. He gave me a brooding look in return.
“Leave her alone, Ellie.” The Judge spoke in my defense. “You should be thankful the girl’s got too much sense to be boy crazy.”
“She’s only seventeen,” Aunt Jane added. “She has plenty of time.” Later, I got Nick’s input on the subject.
“Maybe they’re right,” he told me. That brooding expression was still on his face.
“Maybe you should be dating.”
My mouth dropped open. “You actually want me to date other guys?” He sighed. “No. I’d probably go nuts if you did. But it might be better for you.” He hesitated. “Alix, I’m always going to be Frank Anderson’s kid. The only future I’ve got is working at Hawkins’ garage. You deserve better than that. Somebody like Hugh could give you a good life.”
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“I don’t love Hugh,” I said, hurt that he’d even suggest such a thing. “And I wish everyone would find something else to occupy their time and stop nagging me.” Be careful what you wish for might be clichéd, but there’s usually a reason why those old sayings have lasted so long. The next day, my father came home.
* * * * *
“Are you going to the garden?” I watched as Mama gathered a knife and a large tin wash pan.
“Yes. The snap beans need picking, and so do the cucumbers and tomatoes. And I want to check the corn. It was almost ready a few days ago.”
“I’ll go with you.” I tossed aside the magazine I’d been thumbing through and got another knife. The garden was one of my favorite places on earth. The feel of the soft, moist dirt under my bare feet and the scent of growing plants was something I looked forward to every year. Almost as much as I looked forward to the first taste of a ripe, red tomato, warm from the sun, the juice dribbling down my chin as I sank my teeth through the tender skin.
When the garden was producing, it was rare for anyone to go grocery shopping.
About once a month someone would go for the staples—flour, sugar, coffee, and tea—
things we couldn’t grow ourselves. Our meals were typically southern and no one ever worried about cholesterol or antioxidants. Even meat was no problem because the Judge paid to a have a calf and a pig slaughtered every year, and the white-wrapped packages with red stamps proclaiming the contents filled one entire freezer.
A typical supper for us consisted of meat, usually fried, cornbread, fried or mashed potatoes, green beans, sliced ripe tomatoes, green onions, and cucumbers in vinegar, salted and peppered. If you’d offered anyone in my family tofu, they wouldn’t have had a clue what you were talking about, and wouldn’t have eaten it if they had. To them, we ate healthy. It was the junk and fast food that could kill you.
The garden was an acre plot behind the barn, and I was dreaming about fresh corn-on-the-cob for supper that evening as I followed Mama down the back steps. We both paused as a shiny black car pulled into the drive.
“Who in the world…” Mama muttered, one hand cupped above her eyes to block the sun’s glare.
The car wasn’t familiar to me either, so I figured it was probably a salesman or the Jehovah’s Witnesses. We get a lot of both around here. Most folks simply sent the Witnesses on their way or didn’t answer the door at all, but heaven help them if Aunt Darla was around. She’d usher the Witnesses right into the living room, pour them a glass of tea, and set about converting them to the Southern Baptist faith. I’ve known her to keep the poor victims hostage for up to three hours at a whack while she quoted 56
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verse and scripture faster than they could come up with answers. She said it was her Christian duty to show them the error of their ways.
But the man climbing out of the car didn’t look like a salesman or a Witness, in spite of being well dressed. He wasn’t carrying a briefcase or a handful of pamphlets. He was tall and slim, with dark hair that curled gently around his nape, and warm, dark brown eyes that smiled hesitantly as he walked toward us.
The first indication I had that all was not well was the sound of Mama’s tin pan hitting the gravel of the driveway. It was so loud I nearly jumped out of my skin.
“Oh, God,” she whispered, her face white as new cotton on the boll.
“Mama?” This wasn’t like her at all, and I was suddenly worried. “What’s wrong?”
“Go in the house, Alix.”
“No. I’m not leaving you here alone.”
“Please,” she whispered.
By then he’d reached us, and when he spoke, his voice held both apology and determination. “I’m sorry it has to be this way, Ellie, but you haven’t left me much choice. She’s seventeen. It’s time you let her make up her own mind.” Mama stepped in front of me, her back tense. “She’s too young. Now get out of here before I call the police.”
“You can call them if it will make you feel better, but I’m not leaving until I have a chance to talk to Alix.” His gaze fastened on me over Mama’s shoulder.
I was on the verge of panic. I didn’t know what was going on, but I knew Mama felt threatened by this man, and that set all my protective alarms screaming on high volume. Before I had time to react, Aunt Darla and Aunt Jane charged out of the house like angry mother bears. Aunt Jane put her arm around Mama’s shoulder while Aunt Darla grabbed me and tried to tow me back inside. I dug in my heels and refused to budge. They had been talking about me like I wasn’t there, and I wanted to know what was going on.
“This is the wrong way to go about this, James.” Aunt Jane’s face was almost as white as Mama’s, but her voice was calm. “You’re only going to upset everyone.” Mama was crying softly, hands over her face, and I broke loose from Aunt Darla to move closer to her.
“I’ve tried calling, Jane, but Ellie always hangs up on me. Alix is my daughter. I’ve got a right to see her.”
My father? I stared at the stranger, frozen with shock as a wave of dizziness hit me.
When I was five, I had developed a curiosity about the man who was my father. After all, the other kids I knew had one and I wasn’t quite sure why I didn’t. Mama told me they hadn’t gotten along so he’d joined the navy. But I sensed my questions bothered her and soon dropped the line of inquisition. I had the Judge, so I didn’t miss not having a real father. I’d never even seen a picture of him before. The only thing I knew about my father was his name. James Tipton.
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“You’re my father?” I blurted the words before I could stop myself, and both Mama and Aunt Jane shot me horrified looks, as if they only that second realized I was still there.
He took a step closer to me and lifted a shaky hand to my cheek. “Yes, I am. God, you’re so beautiful, Alix, so grown up. I’ve been waiting to meet you for a long time now.”
“No.” Aunt Darla shoved me behind her and swatted his hand away. “Please, James. Give us a few days to talk to her, to try and sort this mess out.” Tiredly, he rubbed his forehead. “Fine. You’ve got two days. But if I don’t hear from you by then, I’ll be back.” His gaze fastened on me again. “We need to talk.” I didn’t move, simply stood and watched as he climbed into his car and drove off, then numbly followed my mother and aunts back to the kitchen. They settled Mama into a chair like she was an invalid.
“Alix, go wet a washcloth with cold water,” Aunt Jane directed.
Knowing she only wanted me out of the room, I left, then stopped and leaned against the wall outside the kitchen. It says a lot about their state of mind that Aunt Jane never thought to see if I was listening.
“What am I going to do?” Mama sobbed.
“You have to tell her the truth, Ellie. If you don’t, James will.”
“I can’t. She’ll hate me, Jane.”
“Alix is an intelligent girl,” Aunt Darla said. “She’ll understand.”
“No, she won’t. All her life we’ve told her to respect herself, that truth and honesty are the most important things in life, and at the same time we’ve been lying to her. How is she going to understand that? What can I say that will make her accept that her mother was never married to her father?”
I had heard enough. My breath was coming in labored gasps and spots swam before my eyes. The only thing I could think about was getting away. Grabbing the Chevy’s key, I ran out the front door, my mother’s frantic voice following me when they realized I’d been listening.
Sick to my stomach, I drove blindly, paying no attention to where I was going. My whole life had been one big lie and I didn’t know what to do, how to react. I was a bastard, no better than any of the Swanner kids. But at least Liz hadn’t put on a big act, tried to be something she wasn’t. She’d survived the only way she knew how, and I’d always respected her for that.
How could I forgive my family for what they’d done to me? How could I ever face them again now that I knew the truth?
I don’t remember where I went that night, but I wound up at the Star-Vu Drive-In.
It was closed, the concession stand and playground ghostly in the pale moonlight. I pulled the Chevy behind the screen and got out, walking barefoot to the picnic table. I was still there when Nick found me.
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Without a word, he sat down and pulled me onto his lap. I curled into him and buried my face against his neck, shaking in spite of the warm night air.
“Want to talk about it?” he murmured.
I shook my head.
“Do you want to go home?”
Another shake, more violent this time.
“Okay, we’ll just sit here.” One hand stroked my hair in a soothing, repetitive motion.
“It doesn’t change who you are, you know,” he said.
“They told you?” I was humiliated and disbelieving. My family couldn’t tell me the truth, but now they told Nick?
“I don’t think they meant to. Everyone went kind of nuts when you ran off. Your mom called me at work, nearly hysterical, to see if you were there, and it sort of came out. Half the county is looking for you, but they only told people you were upset.”
“I can’t go home, Nick. Not yet.”
“So, what do you want to do?”
I thought about it. There really was only one option. “I’ll go to Jenna’s.” He stood, letting my feet slide to the ground. “I’ll follow you.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Yes, I do.” He leaned down and kissed me gently, then took my hand. “Come on.
After you’re settled, I’ll go let your folks know you aren’t lying in a ditch somewhere.” Jenna wasn’t surprised to see me. Mama had called her earlier, hoping I’d gone to her house. I told her what had happened, and as I had once done for her, she tried her best to comfort me. At first, I was a little surprised my family didn’t come rushing over the second they knew where I was, but Nick had told them to give me time, that I was in no shape to hash things out just yet.
The next morning the Judge brought some of my clothes by, and when he was ready to leave he asked me to walk him to the truck.
“How are you?” he asked quietly.
I shrugged and looked down at the ground. I couldn’t tell him I was fine when I wasn’t.
“Your Mama is hurting, too, Alix. Maybe she was wrong to lie to you, but she did it because she loves you.” He reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a slip of paper, and handed it to me. The only thing on it was a phone number. “I know you aren’t ready to talk to Ellie yet, but you need to talk to someone. Someone who can tell you the truth.
Call him, Alix.”
I stared at the number. I didn’t have to ask who it belonged to. “Does Mama know you’re giving me this?”
“We talked it over. She’s willing to try anything that might help.” 59
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“I’ll think about it.” I stuck the paper in my pocket.
I stayed at Jenna’s for over a week, trying to pull myself together. Nick came by almost every evening, never coming in the house, and staying only a few minutes before he’d leave again. But I suppose it was enough for Jenna to put two and two together.
“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” she asked me. “Don’t deny it. I can see it on your face every time you look at him.”
I was too tired to argue. “And you don’t approve, right?” We knew each other almost too well.
“It’s not that, exactly.” She hesitated. “Alix, it scares me. Nick isn’t like us. He’s not like any of the other boys we know. I don’t want to see you hurt.”
“Nick would never do anything to hurt me.”
She dropped the subject, but I knew she hadn’t forgotten it. Jenna could be almost as bad as my family when it came to worrying about me.
Nick wasn’t the only one who came by to check on me. Hugh began coming over, too. He didn’t know what was wrong, only that something traumatic had happened to me, and neither Jenna nor I enlightened him as to what. Jenna took over the duty of entertaining him when it became obvious I couldn’t, and they would talk and laugh while I sat silently, lost in my own thoughts.
Things couldn’t go on the way they had been, and I finally called the number the Judge had given me. He was right. I needed to know the truth and I wasn’t sure anymore that I’d get it from Mama. My hands were shaky when I lifted the phone, and I had no idea what I was going to say.
He answered on the first ring, almost as though he’d been waiting for my call.
“This is Alix,” I said, my grip on the receiver so tight I was surprised it didn’t crack.
“I’m glad you called. We need to talk, Alix. Can I come over?” I shook my head, then realized he couldn’t see me. “Maybe I could meet you somewhere?”
“Anywhere you want.”
“The city park.” It was the first place that popped into my mind, and at least I knew we wouldn’t be interrupted this time of day.
“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
“Okay.” I returned the phone to the cradle.
Jenna had been listening and her eyes reflected her concern. “Do you want me to go with you?”
“No. I think this is something I have to do on my own.” She nodded. “You know I’m here if you need me.” I was waiting on a picnic table twenty minutes later when my father’s black car pulled to a stop beside the Chevy. He was dressed more casually this time, as though he 60
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hadn’t wanted to take time to change, and he looked as nervous as I felt. Gingerly, he sat down beside me.
“Hi.”
I returned the greeting.
“You know, I’ve wanted to meet you for so long and been so afraid you’d hate me, that now I don’t know what to say.”
“Did you love my mother?” I hadn’t intended to be so blunt, but the words slipped out on their own.
“Yes, I did.”
“Then why didn’t you marry her?”
He took a deep breath and rubbed his forehead. “I should have. I was going to, but—” He shook his head and started again. “Alix, none of this is your mother’s fault.
We weren’t much older than you are now when we met, and I was engaged to another woman. But the first time I saw Ellie I knew I’d made a mistake. It was love at first sight, and she felt the same way about me, but my fiancée was a very special person and neither of us wanted to hurt her. We started meeting in private. It was wrong and stupid, and we tried to stop. Every time we’d sneak off to be alone, we’d tell each other it couldn’t happen again. But we waited too long. When she told me she was pregnant, I didn’t know how to handle it. I told her we’d get married, but we were both afraid, Alix. Afraid of what everyone would say, afraid of how your family would react, and most of all, ashamed of what we’d done to…my fiancée.” I think I knew before I asked. It was the only logical explanation given what he’d told me and the snippets of information I’d gathered growing up. “Who was she, this fiancée of yours?”
He propped his elbows on his knees and looked down. “Your Aunt Jane.” I nodded. “So you what? Just took off and left Mama to straighten the mess out alone?”
“Pretty much. I know, I was a son of a bitch. I’m not trying to make excuses. It was too much for me and I panicked and ran. You don’t know how many times since then I’ve regretted it. A few years later I called your mother, but by then she’d made up the story of our fake marriage and divorce, and she wouldn’t talk to me. Not that I blame her. After what I’d done, I didn’t deserve her forgiveness. But I did deserve the chance to get to know my daughter, Alix. In spite of everything, I loved you. I still do. All I’m asking is that you try not to hate me, that you’ll give me—us—the time to work this out together.”
“I don’t know what to call you,” I whispered.
“Dad would be nice, but if you’re not ready for that, Jim will do.”
“Where have you been all this time?”
“In the navy until a few years ago. Now I live in Jonesboro and work for an accounting firm. I wanted to be as close to you as possible.” 61
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“You never got married?”
“No. I guess part of me still loves your mother and always will.”
“And Aunt Jane?”
He hesitated again. “I cared about her, Alix, but I don’t think I ever really loved her.
If we’d gotten married it would have been a disaster. I think she understands that now, and she’s obviously forgiven your mother and loves you. They all do. Your mother is waiting to hear from you. She’s nearly sick with worry.”
“You’ve talked to her?”
“Yes. Several times in the last week. It’s not going to be easy for either of us, but I believe she’s willing to work around her feelings toward me for your sake. Everything she did was to protect you, Alix. Don’t you think it’s time to go home now?”
“I don’t know.” Part of me longed to, felt only half-alive without my family. But the other part still hesitated, unsure of how to behave now that everything I’d believed in had come crashing down.
“You don’t have to do it alone,” he said. “I’ll go with you.” I couldn’t move in with Jenna permanently. Sooner or later I had to face my mother.
It might as well be now. Slowly, I slid off the wooden seat. “Okay.” My father was a stranger to me. I don’t know why his presence seemed so comforting at that moment. Maybe it was because he was a stranger, someone who could take a neutral stance in the emotional upheaval I knew was coming. If he’d blamed my mother, or tried to excuse what he’d done, things would have been different. But he hadn’t, and for that if nothing else, I thought I might come to like him.
Mama was watching for us at the back door. She met me halfway, her step hesitant as her eyes searched mine. And suddenly, I was three years old again, depending on her to fix all my injuries, to make my world safe. “I’m sorry, Mama,” I whispered, tears choking my throat until it hurt.
Without a word, she held her arms open and I stumbled into them, both of us crying and apologizing, each tripping over the words in our rush to make amends, then laughing through our tears. My father stood quietly beside us, a bit of moisture in his eyes as well.
Eventually the waterworks dried up and the three of us spent a long time talking that night. Mama refused to let Jim take all the blame for what had happened. She said if she’d handled the situation differently, been honest with herself and Jane from the start, things would have worked out better for all of us. She also agreed that I should get to know my father, spend some time with him occasionally.
But while I gained a father, in the long run I lost an element of closeness with my mother that we could never get back. I was changed by the experience I’d gone through, as was she. We still loved each other and always would, but I wasn’t a na?ve little girl anymore. I had found the hidden closet in our lives and dragged the skeletons out into the bright light of day. We could never put them back again.
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If our relationship hadn’t changed, maybe I could have talked to her later when I needed to so desperately. But it had, and I didn’t, and a hundred wishes won’t change the past. Mama had found that out the hard way. My lesson was still coming, and it would be the most grueling thing I’d experienced up to that point. But maybe I needed it. Maybe I couldn’t have gotten through what came afterwards if I hadn’t been tempered by the flames of Nick’s leaving.
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