TWELVE
“LELA?” THE SOUND OF his voice, cracked and hoarse, jerked my head up like a high-voltage shock.
His brows were drawn together. “What are you doing here?”
I blinked away tears of relief. “Welcome back. How are you feeling?”
He took a breath and winced. “Like I haven’t moved in several days. And like I might not want to for several more.”
“Do you need something? Water?”
“No. I don’t drink that stuff.” He closed his eyes and put a hand to his neck, running his fingers along the swirling scar. “How long have I been out?”
I watched his chest rise as he took another deep breath. “I have no idea how time passes here. It’s all shades of dim to me. You were out for a long time.” Too long.
“Where’s Raphael?”
“He healed you and then left…a while ago.”
Malachi didn’t open his eyes, but the subtle tension in his body told me his senses were now on full alert, silently collecting information. I squirmed, wondering if he’d feel me on his skin.
“Did he heal you before he left?” he asked.
“Yes.”
His eyes were still closed as he said, very slowly, “And you stayed here. With me.”
I said nothing, horrified into muteness as I watched him touch his mouth and draw his tongue slowly along the edges of his lips. I almost blurted out an apology, but that would have meant admitting something I was desperate to hide. Guilt ran hot under my skin. I shut my eyes, unable to look at him anymore.
He sighed. I expected to hear the accusation next. But all he said was “I didn’t think I would see you again.” I relaxed, my muscles twitching with the release of tension.
That’s when I realized I was still clutching one of his hands.
I let go abruptly, as if it had bitten me, and ventured a glance at his face as I gave my prepared explanation. “I wanted to make sure you were okay. I couldn’t just leave you alone here. And I wanted to thank you for coming after me, after what I did.”
He looked down at his hand, now lying solitary at his side, and then at mine, now curled guiltily in my lap. “You did what you had to. If I’d been thinking, I would have expected you to do exactly what you did. It was a rash decision to put you back in that cell.”
I gave him a narrow-eyed look. “You don’t seem like the rash type.”
He bowed his head to hide a small smile. “I’m not, usually.”
“I thought you would kill me for what I’d done.”
His expression turned pained. “No. Whatever you think of me, please don’t think that. I know it’s difficult to believe, but I never meant you harm.” He sat up and swung his feet to the floor, pulling the blanket across his lap.
I scooted back a few inches, until my shoulders hit the wall. “I have to go,” I muttered. I leaned against the wall as I stood. He started to rise but fell down again quickly, clutching the edge of the cot. A frustrated growl rolled from his throat. I was quite sure he was accustomed to having full control over his body. “Thank you again for getting me away from the Mazikin. But I really need to be going now—”
His hand shot out and closed around mine, but his grasp was gentle. “Tell me one thing before you go. I really want to know. Why would you give up your chance at happiness to come to what you knew was a horrible place? Why would you do that, knowing she chose to kill herself? To leave you and everyone else who loved her? Why would you come after her and trap yourself here when she made such a choice?”
Maybe if I could make him understand, he would let me go without a fight. I pulled my hand from his and looked down at my arm. Nadia stared back at me. I closed my eyes and rested my head against the wall.
“I was at a normal school—instead of juvie. I knew from experience I was going to be a total reject. I always had been. And Nadia…she was, like, the most popular girl there. The day we met, I helped her out of a bad situation. I didn’t think she owed me anything, though. She could have ignored me afterward. That’s what anyone else would have done. But instead she walked me to class. Sat next to me. Talked to me. She did it again the next day, and the next day, and the next day. I thought I’d be a freak-of-the-week project for her, but she just kept coming back. She actually seemed to enjoy hanging out with me.”
My throat constricted as the memories washed over me. “This one time, one of her other friends, Tegan, was making fun of me, like I was just a loser, clingy, wish-I-was-popular girl. And Nadia didn’t say a word. She didn’t have to. She just gave Tegan this look that said everything, like if you mess with Lela I will crush your social life under my Jimmy Choos.” I chuckled. “Saved me from getting sent back to the RITS for kicking that girl’s ass.”
I opened my eyes to find Malachi looking at me like I’d suddenly started speaking a strange, incomprehensible language. Which made sense, actually, because I kind of had. I tried again.
“I’m here because of the way she looked at me, Malachi. She should have looked at me with fear. I did some pretty scary things. Most people would agree I’m a scary person. But that’s not how she looked at me. She looked at me as if she saw something else inside of me—something wonderful, something worth knowing—and she was the only person who could make it come out. She taught me things. She gave me things. Amazing things. A vision of myself, different from what I had been. Better, but still me, you know? Dreams of the future, of what I could become. I don’t think she really recognized how she was bringing me to life. It came so naturally to her.”
I wrapped my arms around my chest. Making the final admission—it hurt to say out loud. “I don’t know if I did the same for her. Since we’re here right now, my guess would be that I didn’t. But it doesn’t matter. I never had a friend before Nadia, and I would do anything for her.”
He got to his feet, holding the blanket closed at his waist. Even nearly naked and unarmed, he seemed dangerous. And too distracting for me to stay focused. I braced, wondering if he was about to try to stop me. I eyed the door.
“Wait.” His voice was quiet, and it sounded more like a request than a command. He swayed unsteadily. I put my hands around his waist to catch him, unwilling to let him fall.
As soon as I touched him, I knew it was a mistake.
His skin burned against mine. My fingers pressed in hungrily, like they had a mind of their own. I watched, amazed, as his skin rippled with goose bumps and he shivered. He steadied himself with a hand on my shoulder, and his fingers brushed the bare skin at my neck. His touch blew a few fuses in my brain. I wanted to rear back and run away. I wanted to put my hand over his and hold it there forever.
I turned to go, completely torn. Nadia was my reason for being here. The only reason. And yet I also wanted to stay. Not in that hellish city, and not to go to the Sanctum, whatever it held for me. I wanted to stay with Malachi. I didn’t feel safe with him, and yet I knew he would keep me safe. I had no idea who he was or where he came from, but in some crazy way it seemed like we understood each other. And although I was frightened by the idea of him touching me, I desperately wanted to touch him just one more time.
Out of control. It all felt out of control. With him awake and getting stronger by the minute, there was no more reason to stay and every reason to go. My hand was on the door of the apartment before he spoke again.
“Lela, wait. I’ll help you. I’ll help you find her.” I didn’t turn around, but tensed as I felt the heat of his body and realized how close he was. “I know this city better than anyone. I understand its dangers. I could protect you. I’ll help you find her. I’ll help you get out.”
“Why?”
He chuckled. “Because it’s obviously the only way to get you out of my beautiful city. Will you let me help you?”
I turned back to him. Usually, I could tell when someone was lying or when they were hiding something. His expression was open and serious and, as far as I could tell, completely sincere. I couldn’t help it—I got hopeful. With him on my side, I might actually have a chance.
“Really?”
“Really. But you have to do as I say. If we’re together in this, you must follow my instructions or you’ll put us both in danger. You’ll have to trust me. Can you do that?”
There was always a catch. If only he knew what he was asking. I smiled sadly as I shook my head. “Every time I’ve trusted someone, it’s come back to bite me.”
His brows lifted and his jaw tensed. “Lela, who did this to you?” The question seemed to burst from him involuntarily; he took a step back and looked down at the floor, waving the words away. “Never mind. You don’t have to promise. Just tell me you’ll try.”
I could live with that. “I’ll try.”