I did it. I e-mailed Cinder. And less than five minutes later, I got a reply. The second I read his e-mail, my entire body relaxed. I was just so relieved. It was Cinder! I’d spoken to Cinder! He sounded the same as he always had, and he seemed eager to talk to me. Maybe I did have one friend left in the world.
A small piece of my dead heart came back to life, and I took what felt like my first real breath since the accident. My hands shook with anticipation as I logged into my instant messenger and waited. My stomach was a mixture of all kinds of butterflies—nervous, excited? fearful, happy…
The minutes ticked on. Ten minutes passed, then fifteen, and finally twenty. I thought I would go insane. I thought I would reach through the computer and strangle him for taking too long if he made me wait another minute. And then he was there.
Cinder458: So sorry. It took me longer to get home than I thought it would.
EllaTheRealHero: Home? You left your friend? You didn’t have to do that.
Cinder458: Are you kidding? Ella, I thought you were dead.
EllaTheRealHero: Are you serious?
My heart dropped into my stomach. He thought I was dead? I wondered if all my friends back home thought that, too. I wondered if I should let them know I wasn’t. I didn’t think I could handle the questions.
Cinder458: What was I supposed to think? You disappeared mid-conversation! I wrote you a million e-mails. I checked your blog and your Twitter every day for months. I couldn’t think of any other reason that you would just suddenly stop blogging.
I know you can’t actually hear emotion in an e-mail, but Cinder sounded so upset. I felt awful that he had to go through all that. I know if the shoe had been on the other foot, I’d have been crazy with worry.
EllaTheRealHero: I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have let you worry like that for so long.
Cinder458: Don’t apologize to me, Ellamara. You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m just glad you’re okay. I still can’t believe I’m talking to you. I nearly fell out of my chair when I got your e-mail.
Cinder458: My date thought I was insane, by the way. Definitely not getting any from her now, and she’s really hot. Totally your fault.
For a second, I burst into laughter. He was the same old Cinder. Then I realized what he said, and my heart skipped another beat.
EllaTheRealHero: You were on a date???? Cinder! I can’t believe you ditched her. What a jerk.
Cinder458: Eh, she was too high maintenance, anyway.
EllaTheRealHero: Cinder!!!
Cinder458: Get over it, woman. It was a stupid date. You were more important. That e-mail almost made me cry. Effing tears, Ella! Why are we even talking about me? I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. I know how close you were with your mom. And you had to move in with your dad? You haven’t seen him in years!!! How are you? Is there anything I can do? You want me to fly out there and steal you away from him? Or at least punch him in the face? I can’t believe he got rid of your books.
Already the world seemed brighter. Life wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been half an hour ago. My overwhelming loneliness was gone. There wasn’t really a light at the end of the tunnel yet, but at least I wasn’t in the dark by myself anymore.
I should have known Cinder wouldn’t have changed. I should have e-mailed him months ago in the rehab center once I could move again. Oh, well. No use dwelling on the past. I had him back now, and that was all that mattered.
EllaTheRealHero: No punching. My dad is a big, bad U.S. attorney. He would bury you in court, get you thrown in jail, and probably even take your fancy talking car.
Cinder458: Whoa, whoa, whoa, not my precious! Okay, okay, so no punching him or kidnapping you. But seriously, Ella, what can I do? I feel helpless here chica. Talk to me.
EllaTheRealHero: I don’t want to talk. I am so sick of talking. The only people I talk to anymore are doctors, and all they do is make me talk. I don’t need another doctor. I need a friend. I need someone to make me laugh and help me take my mind off everything. Don’t treat me like I’m going to break. Yell at me and don’t let me get away with anything when I start acting like a brat.
Cinder458: Would I ever miss an opportunity to call you a brat?
EllaTheRealHero: No. That’s why I need you. My life is upside down right now, and I really need something familiar. I need normal.
Cinder458: I can do normal.
I laughed a genuine, happy, lighthearted laugh. It was the first real laugh I’d managed since my accident. There was nothing forced or awkward about it. I hadn’t done it because I was nervous about anything or trying to hide my real feelings. I just laughed because I was in a good mood (and because what Cinder said was ridiculous).
Dr. Parish was going to be happy. Maybe, if I was lucky, she’d stop hounding me about spending time with my dad and the stepwitches, but I doubted it.
EllaTheRealHero: Sure you can, rock star. You wouldn’t know normal if it bit you on your ridiculously good-looking face.
Cinder458: You’ve never seen my face. How do you know it’s good-looking?
EllaTheRealHero: Because no ugly person could have an ego as big as yours.
Cinder458: You’re right. I’m gorgeous. I’m also probably way too amazing to accomplish normal, but I can definitely handle familiar. You’ve seen the cast for The Druid Prince, right? I’ve been going crazy not being able to talk to you about it.
I laughed again. This was familiar. My mind drifted back to the early months in the hospital. The doctors kept me in a medically-induced coma for three weeks because my pain was too much and I was having so many surgeries. After they brought me out of it, there were still a number of weeks where I was groggy and incoherent—in and out of consciousness. The hospital staff told me that for weeks I would call out for my mom and Cinder.
One day, one of my nurses recognized the name Cinder and brought me an entertainment magazine. The cover boasted an article about Hollywood’s leading It Boy landing the role of fantasy’s most cherished prince. I guess the thought of teen sensation Brian Oliver playing Prince Cinder was so horrifying it brought me right out of my stupor and sent me into a tizzy, as my nurse called it. And that was before I learned who was directing.
EllaTheRealHero: Ugh! Don’t remind me!
Cinder458: ?
EllaTheRealHero: Why does Hollywood always have to ruin everything?
Cinder458: You think it’s going to suck?
EllaTheRealHero: Kaylee Summers as the Princess Ratana? She’s not even an actress! She’s a supermodel!
Cinder458: Who knows, maybe acting is her calling.
EllaTheRealHero: And maybe Max Oliver just thought she was really hot. They don’t even have her in a dress in the movie. She’s decked out in some slutty, tight, leather getup like Xena: Warrior Princess. It’s disgraceful. And forget any chance of them following the story. With Max Oliver directing, you know it’s going to be nothing but a bunch of over-the-top mindless action.
Cinder458: Wow. So you’re really not a fan of Max Oliver, then. I thought you were joking all those times you wrote scathing reviews of his movies on your blog.
EllaTheRealHero: I thought you were joking every time you defended him. Max Oliver is your go-to director if you want flashy car chases, big explosions, and half-naked women—which I know is your favorite kind of movie—but even you have to admit he is so wrong for The Druid Prince. And of course he just had to go and bring his son on to play Cinder! Why??? Why are they doing this to me???
Cinder458: What!!! I thought you’d be happy about that. Brian Oliver will make an excellent Cinder. That dude is awesome.
EllaTheRealHero: LOL! I never knew you had some big, gay celebrity crush on Brian Oliver.
Cinder458: Remember what we said about you being a BRAT?? It’s not a crush. I just think he’s perfect for the part.
EllaTheRealHero: Sure, he looks the part, but he’s only ever done cheesy teen movies. Who knows if he can pull off the drama? Not that there will be any with his father directing.
Cinder458: I will admit that Max Oliver is wrong for the movie, and Kaylee Summers definitely has air for brains, but I don’t think the movie will suck. They got Academy Award Winner Jason Cohen to adapt the script, and you’re wrong about Brian. He can do it. There’s even some Oscar buzz in town right now.
EllaTheRealHero: Teen Choice Award buzz, maybe. Best Kiss and Hottest Abs, definitely, but Best Actor? I’ll believe it when I see it.
Cinder458: Whatever, brat. He’ll at least be nominated. I’m calling it now. He did this one indie drama, The Long Road Home. Watch it, and I promise I’ll let you grovel for forgiveness once you realize how wrong you are about him.
EllaTheRealHero: Ha! Okay. I’ll check it out. I should go now, though.
Cinder458: Don’t go yet.
EllaTheRealHero: Why?
Cinder458: I don’t know. I just don’t want you to.
Cinder could be so sweet when he wanted, but that’s not why that little confession caused my chest to constrict. Nobody had wanted me around since my accident. My father brought me home, and he and Jennifer tried to be nice, but it was obvious I wasn’t really a part of the family.
Sometimes I’d come out of my room and it would take Jennifer a second too long to force a smile on her face. And why wouldn’t it? I was my dad’s forgotten past. I was a disruption in her perfect, beautiful world, and I came with a lot of baggage. She put up with me, and I didn’t think she hated me, but she didn’t like me, either. The stepwitches definitely didn’t want me around. I’d been so sure that nobody would ever want me again.
EllaTheRealHero: Afraid I’m going to disappear again?
Cinder458: That’s not funny. You scared the crap out of me, woman!!! I thought I lost you forever. Are you sure you’re okay?
Okay was a relative term.
EllaTheRealHero: I’m much better now that I’m talking to you. I really missed you.
Cinder458: I missed you more. You can’t ever disappear on me again. I need you, Ellamara, oh wise and beautiful mystic priestess of the Realm. I need your guidance and council.
EllaTheRealHero: As if you ever listen to a word I say.
Cinder458: I always listen. I just rarely agree.
EllaTheRealHero: That is because you are foolish and shallow, young druid prince.
Cinder458: You forgot handsome.
EllaTheRealHero: And conceited.
Cinder458: Oh, how I’ve missed you constantly cutting down my ego.
EllaTheRealHero: It’s a nearly impossible task because it’s so inflated, but I try my best.
Cinder458: I suppose I should let you go now. If it’s late here, it must be almost morning for you.
I hesitated to respond. Part of me was desperate to tell him the truth, to tell him I lived in LA now, and ask to meet in person. I wanted so much to have a face to put with his name. I wanted to hear the laugh behind all the LOLs he typed. I wanted to know how his voice sounded when he called me woman every time he was frustrated with me.
The problem was I knew once I met him I’d want so much more than that. Mama had been scared I’d fall for him someday, but I’d already fallen for him. In fact, I was certain that I was hopelessly in love with him. I always had been.
Cinder wouldn’t want me. What guy would when he could have any beautiful girl he wanted? I was pretty sure Cinder would still be my friend if he saw my scars, but to what extent? Would he be embarrassed of me? Would he be like my stepsisters and not want to introduce me to his perfect-looking friends? Would he be like Jennifer and be afraid to look at me? Or like my father, stuck with an awkward acquaintance because he felt obligated?
If we met, we could never go back from that. It would undoubtedly change everything. I couldn’t take that risk when he was all I had, so I said nothing.
EllaTheRealHero: Thanks for ditching your date to talk to me tonight.
Cinder458: Anytime. Talk again soon? You’re not going to disappear on me again?
EllaTheRealHero: Not if I can help it. I’ll watch that movie and get back to you. Goodnight, Cinder.
Cinder458: Goodnight, Ella. Thanks for writing me. I’m really glad you’re okay.
He signed off and guilt swelled in me. Not telling him felt like a lie. “Maybe someday,” I whispered to myself as I shut the laptop. I hoped it was true. I hoped someday I’d find the courage to face him.