Jasper clenched his jaw as if he was trying to hold something in. I knew he didn’t want to see Dad again, and I felt guilty that he would have to because of me. “Jasper? You okay?” Mum asked. “Oakley’s right, you don’t have to come.”
“I’m going,” he replied, folding his arms over his chest in a stubborn manner. “I just don’t know how I’m going to stay in control when I see his face again.” I think he hated him more than I did.
“Maybe you should come to therapy with me? I’m sure Martha can fit us in for a joint session.”
“No thanks,” he muttered in response.
Therapy was something that Jasper had always refused. I started seeing Martha shortly after we arrived in Australia, and Mum used to see someone too. Jasper had his own way of dealing with things: bottling it up and letting it explode in a fight or down the bottom of a bottle.
“It’s not weak to ask for help, Jasper.”
He stood up. “I don’t need help. I just need to help you two.”
My heart dropped. I didn’t know what to say. Jasper walked out, and I wanted to run after him, but I knew he needed to be alone to cool down. He did see it as a weakness and wouldn’t do it because he needed to be strong for me and for Mum. My stupid, sweet brother.
“He’ll be fine. I’m sure he’ll seek help when he’s ready for it.”
I nodded. “I suppose pushing it away is easier than facing it.”
It took me eleven years of pretending everything was fine before I spoke up and faced it. It would be hypocritical of me to push Jasper into anything.
“Are you going to tell Jenna we’re coming back? I think you should warn them.”
I couldn’t just turn up and be like, “Hey Cole, how’s it going?” It had been too long for me to spring a surprise visit on him.
Mum nodded and wrapped the tartan blanket around herself. It wasn’t cold. It was actually pretty hot, but I think it was to protect her from the conversation we were having rather than the temperature. “She emailed yesterday. I haven’t replied yet so I’ll mention it. Are you looking forward to seeing Cole again?”
I looked out of the window. Hearing someone say his name was like being punched. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Okay,” Mum said. “I’ll call Ali, you get the laptop and look up some flights.”
Within an hour, Mum had spoken to Ali, and our flights were booked. In a week’s time, we would be in England. I emailed my lawyer, Linda, to explain that I had changed my mind, and I planned on calling her to discuss it tomorrow. She would be pleased. A while ago she suggested that I think about appearing in court in person, but I had said no.
Jasper walked back into the room just as Mum went up to bed. He sat down next to me. “We’re really doing this? Going back?”
“Yes.” I wasn’t a scared child any more. I could face them.
“What are you gonna do about Cole?”
I didn’t think he would bring Cole up. He knew I didn’t like to talk about him anymore.
“Nothing.”
“Right, so you’re going back to where the guy you love is and you plan on doing nothing?” he asked with the most sarcastic tone I had ever heard. I nodded in reply. “Oh, come on, Oakley! You’ve moped around here for four years. I’ve never even seen you look at another guy. Are you seriously gonna waste your chance at being happy again?”
I sighed. There had been no one else because I couldn’t stand the thought of being that close to anyone else. There was nothing wrong with the guys here or anything, I just didn’t feel safe and secure with them. They couldn’t make me forget every disgusting thing that had happened to me with one little smile.
“And what, I should just turn up on his doorstep and get back together until the trial ends and we come back? Like you said, it’s been four years. He has a whole new life. He could be married for all we know!” The thought of him being married quite honestly felt like I was being stabbed in the heart.
“I think Jenna would have mentioned something like that,” he replied and raised one eyebrow. Okay, yes she would, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t someone in his life. This was Cole. He was the most incredible, sweet, beautiful, funny, generous, and caring person in the world.
“Whatever. I’m not gonna do anything stupid and mess up his life.”
“Then maybe you shouldn’t have left him behind.”
My eyes prickled, filling with tears. That was low.
“Shit! I’m sorry, Oakley,” he said, and grimaced as I pushed myself off the sofa.
I raised one hand, telling him to back off. “It’s fine. I’m going to bed. Night, Jasper.”
He groaned in frustration as I walked away. The problem was that Jasper was half right, and that’s what stung.
As soon as I had finished in the bathroom, I got straight into bed. I hadn’t done much all day, but I felt exhausted. Tucked under the pillow on the spare side of my bed was Cole’s hoodie – the only thing of his I had. It stopped smelling of his aftershave long ago, but it was his and that meant everything to me.