Wanting What She Can't Have

Eight


Alexis felt the cool sheets beside her and knew he’d gone, withdrawn from her again in every sense of the word. She’d hoped they’d stay together the whole night but she was realistic enough to know he had to be dealing with some serious personal demons about now.

She opened her eyes, searching for where he’d thrown her nightgown, understanding that it would probably be best if she returned to her room.

It was still semidark. A sound over by the floor-length window caught her attention. Raoul stood there, naked, framed in the window. His gaze was fixed on something in the distance, his body caressed by the silver hint of moonlight. She slipped from the bed and came up behind him. Her arms slid around his waist as she leaned against his back.

Still he didn’t move, or acknowledge her presence. It was as if she was hugging a statue.

“Are you okay?” she asked softly, pressing a kiss between his shoulder blades.

She felt his body tense, then his rib cage expand as he drew in a breath.

“Yes...and no.”

“Talk to me, Raoul,” she coaxed. “I’m right here.”

“What we did. It was wrong. I shouldn’t have come to you last night.”

“Raoul, I’m glad you did. We needed each other. What we took from one another, what we gave, we did that honestly. There’s no reason for shame between us.”

He remained silent for a while but she could still feel the conflict that coiled and strained inside him. Eventually he shook his head.

“I can’t do this—”

He gestured futilely with one hand. Alexis loosened her arms and stepped back.

“It’s okay,” she said, even though she felt as if she might fracture apart.

It took all of her strength to hold her emotions together. Last night had been deeply special to her and, she’d hoped, special to Raoul, too. Apparently hoping that had been premature. So they were simply going to have to take this step by baby step. If she could give him his space now, perhaps it would allow him to realize that he deserved happiness, too.

“No, it’s not okay. I have done nothing to earn your understanding. I’ve used you, Alexis, can’t you see that? Don’t you think you deserve better than that?”

She fought not to flinch at the harsh words. “Of course I do. We both do. But don’t you think I got to use you, too? You’re not alone in this, Raoul, no matter how isolated you feel, no matter how alone you try to be. I’m here...for you.”

He faced her and she could see the scowl that twisted his handsome face into a mask of displeasure.

“Can’t you even allow me to apologize for what I did?”

She shook her head vehemently. “You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing!” she repeated with even more emphasis than before. “Did you feel me try to push you away? Did I ask you to leave or did I turn my head away when you kissed me? No. I welcomed your touch, Raoul. I welcomed you. We all need help sometimes. Trouble is, you’re too afraid to ask for it and if you do, you see it as some kind of weakness, something to be sorry about.”

“I still shouldn’t—”

“Oh, please.” Alexis rolled her eyes. “Stop it. You were man enough to reach out to me last night. Just accept that I am woman enough to want to grasp hold of you, to be there for you. I don’t do anything I don’t want to, Raoul. Or anyone. So get over it.”

Wrapping her bravado around her like a shield, Alexis walked away from him and found her nightgown on the floor. She dragged it on over her head and all but ran back to her room and into the en suite bathroom. She flipped on the shower and fought to take in a leveling breath as the water warmed. It was still early, at least another hour until sunrise and Ruby’s usual time for waking, but there was little point in going back to bed. No way would she get any more sleep now. She stripped off her nightgown and stepped into the luxuriously tiled shower stall and closed her eyes against the stream of water, blindly reaching for the bar of soap she’d put there yesterday. Her eyes flew open when she encountered warm wet male instead.

Raoul’s gaze was intense, his jaw a rigid line and his lips pressed firmly together as he stood there, water from the dual jets cascading over his hair and down his neck and shoulders.

He reached for the bar of soap and lathered it up in his hands before gently turning her around to face the shower wall. His hands were firm as he began to massage her shoulders with the scented foam, his thumbs working into knots she didn’t know she had. He worked his way down the center of her spine, easing away any residual stiffness she had from her unaccustomed sleeping position during the night.

By the time his hands caressed her buttocks she was all but melting. Her breasts felt full and heavy, aching for his touch, her nipples ruched into tight nubs. She squeezed her thighs together to relieve some of the pressure that built at their apex but it only served to increase her hunger for more of his touch.

His hands left her for a minute, only to return, relathered and on a determined path around her body. She felt his erection pressing against her buttocks as he reached around her, cupping her breasts and gently massaging them. One hand began to track down her body, pressing her back against him. She widened her legs, felt him bend his knees and position himself at her aching center. She waited for his possession but he seemed comfortable just biding his time while his fingers teased and played with her, coaxing her flesh a little wider, grazing her *oris with firm sweeps of his thumb.

Alexis’s legs trembled as she felt her orgasm begin to build and build, the pressure almost too much to bear. When he finally slid inside her, he touched off something deep within. Something with more intensity, more complexity than anything she’d felt before.

She rose to the tips of her toes as Raoul drove into her body. She could feel the roughness of the hair on his legs against the backs of her thighs, the firmness of his belly against her buttocks. When he came, he came hard and so did she. Pleasure didn’t just come in waves, it ricocheted through her again and again.

His head fell onto her shoulder and his arms wrapped around her until she didn’t know who was supporting whom to stay upright anymore. Eventually their breathing slowed and Alexis felt strength return to her limbs. Hot water still pounded them both as Raoul withdrew from her. He slicked a hand with soap and gently washed then rinsed her clean. She was glad of the attention as, while she was regaining control of her limbs, her consciousness was still under question.

“Keep taking your pill,” Raoul said in the shell of her ear, and then he was gone.

By the time she looked around, he’d swiped one of the towels from the heated rail and had left the bathroom. Steam filled the air, leaving her to almost wonder if she hadn’t just dreamed the entire sequence of events. The racing of her heart, and the tendrils of satisfaction that still ebbed and flowed through her, confirmed it had been very, very real. She thought about what he’d said, as well as what she’d told him about being on the Pill.

Technically, she was, but since she’d been here she’d been less than fully careful about taking the contraceptive. In the past, she’d always been a stickler for taking her tablet on time, but with the adjustment to a whole new routine this past month she’d been a little lax. That was something that was going to have to change if they were going to continue with this...this...whatever it was. Clearly he had reached some personal decision about the two of them. One that involved their mutual pleasure, if nothing else.


She turned off the showerheads and stepped from the stall, drying her sensitized skin with a large bath sheet. Could she settle for that? The pursuit of physical release with none of the messy emotional stuff that usually came with it?

A while ago she’d have said a flat-out no. She had always wanted a relationship she could pledge herself to, fully and completely, and know that that pledge was returned. But Raoul had made it perfectly clear that he couldn’t give her that. Could she settle for less than love from him?

A little aftershock of pleasure thrilled through her body again. Maybe she’d just have to give it a try and see what happened. At best, the ice around his heart may begin to thaw. At worst, well, she didn’t even want to think about that just yet.

In the bedroom she grabbed her handbag and pulled her contraceptive strip from the side pocket. She’d missed three tablets in this cycle but not consecutively. Hopefully she’d still be safe. To avoid further memory lapses she added a new alarm to her cell phone, reminding her to take her pill each morning. To be doubly safe, she’d visit a pharmacy in town and consult with them about the morning-after pill, as well.

Sounds came through the baby monitor that Alexis kept on the bedside cabinet. Ruby was stirring. She quickly dressed and went through to the baby’s room to start her working day—except somewhere along the line it had ceased to be work and was becoming something else instead. And as she lifted the little girl for a good-morning cuddle she realized that being needed was something she’d craved all her life.

Her parents had been sufficient to one another while she was growing up. And that was exactly as it should have been, she reminded herself as she changed and dressed Ruby. They’d always loved her, been there for her, but no one had ever truly needed her before. Not the way Ruby did now. Not the way she began to hope Raoul did, also.

A tiny flame of optimism flickered to life deep in her belly. This could work. They could become a family. She had to keep believing it was possible...because the alternative didn’t even bear thinking about. Despite everything, despite her determination not to completely give her heart to anyone unless she was certain those feelings were returned, Alexis knew she was falling deeper and deeper into love with Raoul Benoit.

Only time would tell if he could feel the same way about her. She hoped against hope that he could, because if not, walking away from Raoul, walking away from Ruby, would be the hardest thing she’d ever had to do in her entire life.

She’d done something similar once before—distanced herself from him before she could let her feelings grow, knowing them to be futile when he loved Bree and was loved so passionately in return. But things were different now, so very painfully different, and it was going to be a difficult road ahead.

* * *

It had been a week and still he couldn’t get her out of his mind. What on earth had possessed him to visit her room that night? Worse, what had made him take her back to his and then, in the morning, tell her in no uncertain terms to keep taking her pill? He’d had no right to any of that, a fact he’d reminded himself of constantly these past seven days as he’d forced himself to keep his distance. It hadn’t stopped him wanting her, though, or remembering in excruciatingly vivid detail their night—and morning—together.

From his vantage point out in the garden he watched her sleeping in the window seat of the family room. She had a sketch pad on her lap and an array of colored pens spilled across the cushion she lay on. Her hair lay in a swathe across one cheek. Hair he knew was silky soft and carried a scent he found unique to her.

In sleep she looked peaceful, as if she no longer bore the weight of the world on her capable shoulders. His fingers tingled as he remembered how her skin had felt beneath them. How smooth and warm. She was so alive, so giving. Try as he might, he could not help but be pulled into her magnetic sphere.

She’d become a part of his every day in ways he had never imagined. Ways he never wanted or expected to imagine. But more, he now found himself wanting her to become a part of his nights, as well. Just one night with her had been nowhere near enough. He’d barely slept ever since for the memories of her in his arms, in his bed, crowding his thoughts. Replaying, time and again, the exquisite sensation of sliding into her body, feeling her welcoming heat, watching her shatter from the pleasure of his touch.

There’d been no recriminations from her. Not even when he’d treated her so bluntly these past few days. Ill-tempered and filled with mounting frustration, his fuse had been short and he hadn’t been afraid to show it or to use it to push her away. She wasn’t a fool, she’d read the signals. As a result, he’d noticed that she and Ruby had spent a lot of time away from the house and, dammit, he’d missed them—both of them.

As if Alexis sensed his observation of her, she stirred. A few of her pens slid off the cushion and onto the floor. They must have made some noise because she startled awake and moved to grab her pad from following in the same path. The sketch pad reminded him that she’d put her life on hold to come here.

He’d never have asked her to do that—to simply walk away from her growing business to look after a child who would have been fine with a different nanny, and a man who was perfectly capable of looking after himself. Things had been rolling along just fine here before her arrival—at least that’s what he’d tried to convince himself. He knew, though, in all honesty, they hadn’t.

What made someone do what she had done? he wondered. Simply shelve, at least for a little while, their own dreams and goals to help out someone else. Was it a lack of self-respect or belief? No, he knew she had self-respect, but she also had a big and giving heart. He’d seen it in the way she’d so quickly grown attached to Ruby.

He continued to watch as Alexis stood up and stretched, the movement pulling her long sleeved T-shirt upward, exposing the soft skin of her belly. In answer, his flesh stirred, reminding him that he’d been trapped in this awkward state of semiarousal this past week. He wanted her, but he didn’t want the complicated hang-ups that came along with having her. And if he knew anything about Alexis Fabrini it was that she had a power of emotion stored up in that enticing body of hers. She deserved someone who could match her, physically and emotionally.

He had no space left in his heart for emotion.

He turned and pushed through the edges of the garden and strode out toward the winery. Somehow he had to find a release for all the pent-up energy having sex with Alexis had created. Somehow, he didn’t think finishing labeling the wine bottles he was ready to put down would be enough.