By the time the Gate of Mordor was finally in front of us, my buzz was completely gone. And just when I could have used it too. Gibson was watching her favorite TV show on the overhead DVD player. It was the third episode on the disc, and my patience was wearing thin. If one more of those little half-wit bastards asked me some stupid shit like what color the sky was one more time, I was going to punch something.
Kellan’s “fortress of solitude” was circled by a six-foot-tall wood-and-metal fence. It screamed, Leave us the hell alone! They hadn’t built the moat yet, but I was positive one was coming soon. In front of the imposing nine-foot-tall metal gate, there was an intercom box. Since the gate was closed—as always—Anna rolled down her window and pressed the call button. After a half minute, a thin, reedy voice sounded from the speaker. “Please state your full name and the nature of your business.”
Even though he was trying to disguise it, I instantly recognized Kellan’s voice. Leaning over my wife, I shouted into the speaker box, “My name is Griffin Suck-My Hancock, and I’m here to punch Kellan Kyle in the nuts. Now let me the fuck in, antisocial fucker.”
Kellan sounded more like himself when he responded. “Wow. Do you kiss your kid with that mouth?”
Cameras were everywhere around the entrance. There was one on the intercom, and one on each side of the gate. Getting in this way unnoticed wasn’t possible. Stretching over Anna so Kellan would get a clear shot of my face, I replied, “Yeah, I also lick my wife like an ice cream cone.” I waggled my tongue, just to gross him out. Or Kiera, if she was watching too. With a smile, I added, “In fact, I’ll do it right now while I’m waiting for the gate to open. You can watch.”
I dropped my head into the slim space between Anna’s stomach and the steering wheel. She laughed and started threading her fingers through my hair while a disgusted noise came from the intercom box. It didn’t take long for the gate to start squealing open. “God…just get in here before I change my mind and have the gate permanently sealed…along with my eyes.”
Gibson giggled as I lifted my head from Anna’s lap. “I-cream, Daddy! I-cream!” Anna snorted as she looked back at her daughter, then she quickly drove us through the gate. Kellan might actually lock us out if we took too long.
Kellan’s driveway was about sixty thousand miles long. There were a couple of decently sized potholes too. Kellan should really be a better homeowner and fix that shit. After the third bump, Anna put a hand on her belly. “I have to pee so bad,” she said through clenched teeth. I wasn’t surprised; she had to pee every five minutes. When the three-story estate came into view, Matt and Evan’s cars were already parked in the driveway. Anna stopped beside Matt’s rig, threw the Hummer in park, then dashed out the door without even turning the car off. As I watched her perfect ass bounding away from me, I wondered if she’d just pick a bush outside and squat. I wouldn’t blame her if she did. Kellan’s house was on a hill, and there were at least a hundred steps leading to the front door. Maybe more. It was annoying. Before he put in the moat, he should really consider an escalator. Or a boom lift. That would be awesome.
Turning around in my seat, I faced Gibson. “Looks like it’s just you and me, kiddo.”
Gibson gave me a toothy grin. “I-cream.”
Laughing at her one-track mind, I unbuckled my seat belt. “Okay, we’ll see if Auntie Kiera has any.” Gibson clapped her hands while I shut the car off.
After slinging Gibson’s bag over my shoulder, I freed her from her car seat and scooped her into my arms. She yawned, making me do the same. “Yeah, I know. Uncle Kellan practically lives in another country. We’d already be done with rehearsals if we were still at Uncle Evan’s place, but nooooo, we’ve all got to suffer so Kellan can have his ‘privacy.’” Giving her a serious look, I added, “Sometimes family sucks. Not always…but sometimes.”
Gibson tilted her head like she was considering my statement, then she closed her eyes and started falling asleep. Patting her back, I laughed. Then I turned to look at the five thousand steps in my way and groaned. “Goddammit,” I muttered, then began the hours-long trek.