5
Becky must have told Maddie that day, because the following morning Maddie arrived at Frieda’s consulting room, pressing the intercom several times and asking with a breathless voice to be let up.
‘What do I owe you?’ she said, her cheeks flaming. ‘Seventy-five pounds?’
‘I’m sorry?’
‘That’s what you said, wasn’t it? Seventy-five pounds a session.’
Frieda paused for a moment. This wasn’t quite what she had expected. ‘Yes,’ she said.
Maddie was holding a cheque book in her hand, almost brandishing it. She looked around Frieda’s consulting room but there was no table to write on except the low one between the two armchairs. She went to the window, rested it on the sill and wrote quickly. She handed the cheque to Frieda. Frieda looked at it.
‘You’ve left off the date.’
Maddie gave a snort and snatched it back. ‘Is it the sixth?’ she said.
‘The seventh.’
‘All right.’ She added the date and handed the cheque back.
‘I’m slightly surprised,’ said Frieda.
‘Why?’
‘When you rang and said you had to see me urgently, I didn’t think it was because you were going to give me a cheque.’
‘Really? What did you think?’
‘Are you serious?’
‘I am serious.’ Maddie was breathing heavily, almost panting. Frieda couldn’t tell whether she was going to shout or to start crying. ‘When I phoned you and said I had to see you, what did you think I wanted to say?’
Frieda gestured Maddie towards the patients’ chair, where her daughter had been. She sat opposite her in her own chair. ‘If we’re going to talk,’ Frieda said, ‘you need to tell me what your daughter told you.’
Maddie’s mouth opened but she didn’t speak at first. She looked even thinner and more drawn than before, as if she hadn’t slept or eaten. ‘I thought you were going to help her,’ she said. ‘Not join with her …’ she seemed to be reaching for a word ‘… difficulty.’
‘What did Becky tell you?’
Maddie shook her head almost fiercely. ‘You said you were going to help her. If I had believed that you were actually going to make things worse for her …’
‘Is that what you think I’ve done?’
‘You should see her. I didn’t want to leave her even for a single second but she insisted on going to school. I didn’t know what to do but I had to come here and tell you what you’ve done.’
Frieda held up her hand. ‘Wait. I need to know what your daughter has told you.’
‘Why? Why do you need to know that?’
‘I can’t speak to anyone else, even you, about what Becky said to me.’
‘What are you talking about?’ Maddie said angrily. ‘The whole point of bringing Becky here was to find out what was wrong with her so that I can do something about it.’
‘If you felt that, then I didn’t explain it properly to you. What I do when I talk to a patient is for the patient, and the patient needs to know that they can say anything – or almost anything – to me in the confidence that it will stay secret. So, if we’re going to talk about this, you need to tell me what you know about your daughter.’
‘I’ll tell you what I know about my daughter. She’s an attention-seeker, she keeps secrets, she’s been mixing with all sorts of people I don’t know and she won’t tell me about, she lies, she hides things. She seems to be angry with the world and especially angry with me.’
‘But what did she tell you that made you come all the way here to talk to me about?’
Maddie gave Frieda a sullen, angry look. ‘She told me what she told you. About the attack.’
‘What kind of attack?’ Frieda asked steadily. ‘You need to say the words out loud.’
Maddie rubbed her fist around her mouth, as if she was trying to wipe something away. ‘She says she was raped. There I’ve said it. Does that make you feel better?’
‘The question is, what does it make you feel?’
‘I know what you’re thinking.’ Maddie became confrontational. ‘You feel I don’t care about my daughter. I’m not being sympathetic enough to her. If you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t have children and you can’t possibly imagine what it’s like.’
‘I can’t imagine what what’s like?’
‘Sometimes in the last year it’s been like living with my worst enemy. Someone who wants to hurt me, who knows all my weak points. But I’d do anything for her. I love her.’
‘But do you believe her?’
Now Maddie thought for a long time. ‘You met her yesterday,’ she said finally. ‘She looks like a young woman – except she’s starved herself, of course – and she’s got a sort of grown-up tone. What’s the word for it? Streetwise?’
‘She didn’t seem very streetwise to me.’
‘That’s my point. When Becky goes and stays out all night and doesn’t tell me where she is or what she’s taking or who she’s …’ Maddie stopped for a moment and ran her fingers through her hair ‘… who she’s with, she’s playing with things she doesn’t understand, things she can’t control.’
‘This isn’t about being out all night and rebelling and being confused. That is something to be talked about. I could talk about it with Becky, or you could. But this is different. She said she was raped. That is very serious. It’s also a crime. You haven’t answered my question: do you believe her?’
‘Haven’t you been listening? Becky has been living in this chaotic way, with God knows what drugs and awful people and sex and bad behaviour. She’s still only fifteen. Isn’t any sex wrong at that age?’
‘That’s not what she was talking about. Do you believe her?’
‘I don’t know what to believe. If you asked me is Becky capable of making up something like that or exaggerating it just as a way of frightening me or hurting me, then I would have to say that she is.’
‘But she didn’t tell you,’ said Frieda. ‘She tried to keep it from you. She showed symptoms of great distress, which alarmed you. And then, when you brought her to me, she was extremely reluctant even to mention it.’
‘Perhaps because it isn’t true. And even if it is true, at that age, couldn’t she just be talking about something that went too far, something she did and then regretted?’
‘That’s not what she said. Your daughter told me and then told you that she had been raped. That was a big step for her and it took trust and it took courage. You need to think about how to respond to her. You also need to think about her going to the police.’
‘No, no, absolutely not.’
‘It’s a serious crime.’
‘That’s easy for you to say. You wouldn’t have to go through it all.’
‘Do you mean Becky would have to go through it? Or that you would?’
Maddie looked up sharply. Frieda recognized a flash of the haughtiness she’d displayed when she’d first arrived at Frieda’s house.
‘I’ve thought about what Becky would have to go through,’ she said. ‘And I’ve thought about it as a mother, not as some kind of spectator. Imagine if she went to the police. She didn’t report it when it was supposed to have happened. Nobody else saw anything. It’s just the word of a fifteen-year-old girl.’
‘Just the word of your daughter.’
‘Yes, my daughter. And imagine what would happen if the police decided to proceed, and if Becky could be persuaded to reveal the name of the person who may have done such a thing. Becky herself would be on trial, her lifestyle, her sex life, her psychological state. Even the fact that she’d been seeing a psychiatrist, psychologist, whatever you are. That could be used against her. You’ve talked to Becky. Would you put her through all that? Do you think it would do her good to be in the newspapers?’
‘She’s underage,’ said Frieda. ‘Her name would be withheld in any proceedings.’
Maddie pulled a face and made Frieda think briefly of when they were fifteen years old themselves.
‘I don’t know much about modern technology but these things always get out. Everybody would know.’
‘I think you’ve misunderstood me,’ said Frieda. ‘I don’t tell people what to do. Well, not most of the time. I just wanted to lay out the options. The decision about what to do is yours and Becky’s. My real concern is about Becky’s state of mind. That’s what you came to me about.’
‘Exactly. And look what happened. You haven’t exactly cured her.’
‘Is that your reaction to what your daughter has told us? That I haven’t cured her after two brief meetings?’
Maddie got up, walked to the window and looked out at the huge building site. ‘I hate London,’ she said. ‘I could never live in a city. I can’t even bear Ipswich or Colchester. When I’m here, I feel like I’m holding my breath until I can get out into the fresh air.’
‘I’ve got pretty mixed feelings about it myself,’ said Frieda.
Maddie turned round. ‘We weren’t really friends when we were at school, were we?’
‘I don’t know,’ said Frieda. ‘We were in the same class.’
‘You were part of this group and I had a fantasy of being part of it. I used to see you together at parties. You probably didn’t even know I was there, but I still remember them. There was Chas Latimer. There was Jeremy. Your boyfriend.’
‘Briefly.’
‘And Eva Hubbard. You were best friends. I was always the one wanting to join the gang.’
‘I think everyone feels like that.’
‘You didn’t.’ Maddie gave a strange smile. ‘When I left school, I thought I’d be leaving all that behind, but it stays with you, even twenty-five years later. Don’t you find that?’
‘No, I don’t.’
‘Maybe I’m the one who should be coming to see you, instead of Becky.’
Frieda shook her head. ‘I’m not sure I should be seeing Becky either. I told you I would assess her and decide whether she needed to see someone. She does need that, and I can find someone for her, someone good. But I’d like to see her again first.’
Maddie looked suspicious. ‘What for? Are you going to persuade her to go to the police?’
‘No. Not that. I had the feeling that Becky started to say something, but she didn’t quite finish. Once she has said it, she should move on to someone else.’
Maddie turned away from Frieda and looked out of the window again. It was already starting to get dark. ‘I thought it was going to be simple,’ she said, almost to herself.