Chapter THIRTY-EIGHT
LEAH HAD JUST hung up from checking on Luis. Rick said he was asleep. She’d almost set the phone down, when Austin’s phone rang. She glanced at the number and it was Evelyn. Her friend had dozens of questions, and Leah tried to answer them matter-of-factly. But when she asked Leah if Austin was behaving and Leah said, “Very well,” Evelyn somehow knew more than Leah wanted her to know.
“So he’s that good, is he? I should have known; he has big feet.”
Leah laughed, but she didn’t deny the implications. Heck, she didn’t want to deny them. She’d slept with Austin and it had been wonderful. It had been amazing. But…
“You deserve to be happy,” Evelyn said.
“Yeah.” Leah traced her finger along the table’s edge.
“Is that hesitation I hear?”
“I just… it happened fast and I’m not even sure we want the same thing.”
“What do you want?” Evelyn asked.
“A real relationship.” Everything my parents didn’t have.
Dallas stuck his head in the cabin to say good-bye; Leah said good-bye to Evelyn and walked outside to offer her farewell to the others. The night was dark, making the stars shine brighter, and the breeze came with night noises—insects and birds. The cool air whipped her hair around her face. Austin came and stood beside her. As everyone drove away, he dropped his arm around her and pulled her close. She leaned into his side, his scent mingling with the woodsy night air.
“You could have sat in on everything. We weren’t trying—”
“I think it would have made everyone uncomfortable.” It would have made her uncomfortable. She held no loyalty to Rafael. She wanted him caught, wanted him to pay for his sins. But down deep existed a thread of shame. Rafael shared her blood. He should have mattered, just as Luis mattered, but he didn’t.
All this time, she’d thought Rafael had been the lucky one to have had their father—to have had his love. Now she couldn’t help surmising if Rafael’s upbringing hadn’t somehow contributed to the terrible person he’d become. Who would have ever guessed it turned out that she and Luis had been the lucky ones.
Leaning into Austin’s warmth, she asked, “Did you talk Roberto out of seeing Rafael?”
Austin glanced down at her. “No, but we’re going to be close in case—”
“We?” she asked.
“Dallas, Tyler, and I. They’re supposed to call Roberto tomorrow and tell him where to meet. Early tomorrow, I’m taking you to a hotel in Austin and have another of our PIs with you just in case.”
Leah’s heart clutched. “What? You’re going to see Rafael, too?”
He squeezed her arm. “We’re going to be close. In case—”
She shook her head. “Someone could die. Just call the police.”
He ran a hand down her cheek. “Leah, we were the police. We’ve been trained to deal with this, plus we’re calling the police as soon as we know for sure he’s there and it’ll be a good arrest.”
“Or you kill him, right?” she asked. “Isn’t that what you’re really after?”
He hesitated, a mix of emotions on his face. A mix of emotions in her chest. “We want justice. Not blood.”
She looked at him, doubting his words.
He exhaled. “Okay, at one time we all wanted blood. But it’s not like that now. I want him caught because some people still think we did this.”
She walked to the edge of the porch. How could she blame him for that? She couldn’t. She wanted justice for what he’d done to Luis, too. “I hate that he’s my brother. I hate knowing that we share the same DNA.” Tears filled her eyes.
Austin came behind her, wrapped his arms around her middle, and pulled her against him. “I think about that, too. I don’t even know who my father was, but he can’t have been much of a man to have walked away from my mother and me. But I tell myself that our destinies are our own. We make our choices, not DNA.” They stood on that porch for the longest time. Just holding on to each other. It felt so right.
“It’s so quiet here.” She listened to the night.
“I know. I love it.” He held her even closer. “There are a few cabins around, but I own twenty acres. There’s a slight hill about an acre back. I dream of putting a house there.”
“It would be nice.” They didn’t talk for several more minutes.
“I’m starved. Let’s fix dinner.” He rubbed his palms up and down her arms.
She nodded and tried to forget what tomorrow might bring.
They made grilled cheese sandwiches. She noticed he’d bought margarine to cook with, and she knew he’d remembered her saying she preferred it. After dinner, he talked her into taking a shower, together.
He undressed her—slow and easy. Her modesty peaked, but as soon as she started removing his clothes, she didn’t mind her own state of undress.
They took turns washing each other—more touching and teasing than cleaning. Between the warm steam, hot kisses, and soapy hands, she was past ready when he guided her out of the shower. Before she walked out of the bathroom, she made him drop the window blinds.
“So no exhibitionist fantasies, huh?” he teased.
“Tons of them,” she teased back, “but I’ve lived that fantasy today.”
He laughed. When the blinds were lowered, they dropped into bed wearing nothing but smiles. Their lovemaking was less urgent this time, and somehow more meaningful than earlier.
He held her as they caught their breath. She rested her head on his chest and he ran a finger over her cheek, then lifted up and stared at her ear.
She cut her eyes up at him. “If they’re dirty, you’re going to have to talk to the guy who bathed me.”
“Just checking to see if any cat has ever tried to remove one of your ears.” Laughing, he tugged on her earlobe.
She chuckled.
“Do you have pierced ears?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Do you wear jewelry?”
She felt her heart clutch a little, remembering the jewelry her dad always brought her mom. “Remember, I don’t like gifts.”
“Why?”
“Just because.” That’s all she gave him.
They lay there talking about crazy things. Movies they liked. Which Saturday cartoon they watched as kids. Favorite things to do on a Sunday afternoon. His was to come to his cabin. Hers was to read an entire book in one sitting.
He fell asleep. Leah fell back into worrying. Her heart raced with the thought that tomorrow he would confront Rafael. His hand shifted and rested on her hip, and his touch sent bolts of emotion to her chest. Would she lose him before they ever really had a chance?
The pain of that thought made her chest hurt, and she wanted to wake him. She had questions. She wanted to know everything about him. His favorite candy bar. His favorite meal. Where had he gone to school? How many years had he worked on the police force?
What was this thing happening between them? Did they have a stab at a future? Had he ever been married?
Tears filled her eyes. She brushed them away before they fell on his bare chest. But fear, fear of where all this was leading, whittled its way into her heart.
She didn’t know him well enough to care this much. And yet, here she was, up to her eyeballs in caring.
“Can we really trust them?” Brad asked Roberto when Tyler and Dallas left the table to grab a beer. They’d been sitting at the hotel bar, going over the plans.
“They’re good guys,” Roberto said.
“I know, but when the cops get there, am I gonna end up in jail? Do they know that I—”
“No. They don’t know. I told them just what I told Cruz. That I didn’t see who shot at me and the others. And if that whole thing comes up, that’s what I’ll tell the cops, too.”
Brad sighed. “And if you don’t make it out, what’s going to happen?”
Roberto’s gut clenched. Why did everyone think he wouldn’t make it out? “Austin will take care of you.”
Brad nodded and kept quiet when the two guys returned.
Roberto’s phone rang. His heart jolted. Cruz was supposed to call tomorrow. Was he ready to do this now? He checked the number. His heart did another tumble.
“Is it them?” Dallas asked.
“No.” He stared at the number. “I gotta take this.” He stood and started out.
Then, afraid she’d hang up, he answered. “Hi, Sara. I’ve tried to call you a dozen times.”
He walked into the hotel lobby and headed to a quiet corner. “Sara, this is you, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.” Her voice sounded hesitant. “What are you doing, Roberto?”
“I was having a beer.”
“No. I mean… I talked to Leah. She said you were going to get yourself killed.”
Another person who already had him dead. “That’s not my plan.”
“But whatever you’re doing is dangerous. Don’t do it.”
A couple moved across the room, catching his eye with their loving embrace. “Look, the reason I called you was because… because I was an ass. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”
“You still love your wife, I get that.”
“No.” He scowled at the wall. “I mean… a part of me will always love her, but she’s gone, and I know that. But what you and I shared—”
“I shouldn’t have crawled in bed with you. It was my fault. You don’t have to apologize.”
“Damn, Sara, I’m not apologizing for making love to you, I’m apologizing for what I said. It wasn’t a mistake. It’s the first thing in my damn life that’s felt right since I lost my family. I want that, Sara. At least I want a chance at it. A chance at us. At us being an us.”
“Dying won’t bring her back,” Sara said, as if she wasn’t listening to what he said.
“I’m not planning on dying. We could start all over. I could take you to dinner. A real date.”
“I didn’t pull that bullet out of your leg and risk losing my job for you to go and get yourself killed.”
Roberto closed his eyes. “You want me to live?”
“Of course I do.”
“Then give me something to live for, Sara. Tell me, no, promise me, that you’ll see me again when this is over.”
Austin woke up feeling anchored and warm. He opened his eyes. A smile bubbled up inside him at the sight of the petite brunette pillowed on his chest. Damn, she was pretty. And sexy. And… real.
A thread of fear wrapped around the ball of happiness filling his chest. Could it last? It never did. People walked away—dropped you off at day care, left you to sit outside on a porch, when they weren’t coming. People told the foster program they couldn’t keep you anymore; people who promised you forever handed you back your ring and said good-bye.
He pushed the thought away. He was just going to enjoy this now. He’d pay the price later. He always did, didn’t he? And he survived it.
She stirred. Her gentle weight against him felt so damn right. So right, he wondered if he could survive losing her. But it was too late to stop it. He cared. Cared too much. All he could do was make it last as long as he could. And the fact that she lived in another city might even help it last. It would always feel fresh. Maybe she wouldn’t be so eager to walk away like the others had in his life.
Glancing at the clock, he realized it wasn’t even five. He’d set the alarm for five thirty so they could meet Dallas and the others at their hotel by seven. He leaned down and kissed her. She bolted up, eyes wide, as if shocked to wake up with someone.
“Morning,” he said.
“Sorry,” she muttered. “I’m not used to…” As if realizing she wasn’t wearing anything, she snatched the sheet off him and clutched it to her chest. Her eyes traveled down his naked chest to his sex, standing at its normal morning salute. She pulled the corner of the sheet from around her legs and tossed it over him, the tent in the sheet still evident.
Her face reddened and he grinned.
“You are unscrupulous,” she said, a slight tease in her tone.
“You are gorgeous.” He pulled her in for a kiss that led just where he wanted it to go.
The sun hadn’t risen yet, and while they were on their way to Austin in Rick’s truck, Leah was on her way to worrying again. In twenty minutes or less, he was going to leave her in some hotel with another man. Fear for Austin’s safety, and fear for her heart, started building with the sound of the wheels rolling down the freeway.
As the first golden rays of sun spilled light from the pink sky, her unasked questions from last night popped off like fireworks in her head.
Unsure how to start, she blurted the first question out. “Have you ever been married?”
He sent her an odd glance, as if she should have known the answer. But how could she, he’d been pretending to be someone else?
“No,” he said.
“Engaged?”
His lips tightened, as if he didn’t like that question. “Once.”
“What was she like?”
He focused on the road, silent for several seconds. “Blond, about five-nine. Green eyes.”
She frowned. “That’s not what I meant. What was her personality?”
He took one hand off the wheel and rested it on her thigh. “I don’t know how to describe someone’s personality.”
She put her hand on top of his. “Try.”
He moved his hand back, and his fingers tightened around the wheel. “Why are you asking this?”
“You asked me about my ex.”
“Not to describe his personality.” He chuckled.
She waited a few seconds. “It’s just, you know a lot about me and I don’t know a lot about you.”
He shifted his shoulders as if he didn’t feel comfortable. “You know more about me than most people.”
She considered his words. “You mean about your childhood?”
“Yeah.” He frowned.
“Why did you tell me about that?” She hoped he’d say it was because he’d felt connected to her—something that would assure her she wasn’t alone in her feelings—feelings that were a kitten’s whisker away from falling in love.
He shrugged. “I don’t know, it just came up.”
She nodded, disappointed in his answer. “So what was she like?”
“I told you she abandoned me.”
“Your fiancée?”
He flinched. “I thought you meant my mom.” Another silence filled the cab. “Cara was a mistake, just like your ex.”
“Did you love her?” She filed away the name. Cara.
He looked at Leah, his eyes tight with what appeared to be frustration. “If you’re worried she’s still a part of my life, then don’t. She’s not.”
“I’m not worried about that,” she said. “I just…”
“Just what?” He sounded puzzled.
Suddenly insecure about her… insecurities, she said, “I…” How could she explain it? She decided to be honest, mostly honest. “I’m nervous.”
“About what?” He paused. “Today?”
“Yeah. And tomorrow.” She waved a hand between them. “About this. Us. About what it is.”
“This?” He waved his hand between them. “This is friggin’ great. It’s awesome.” He offered her a sexy smile. “Didn’t you enjoy this morning?”
She pointed out the obvious. “We live almost two hundred miles apart.” And that’s if you don’t get killed today by my half brother.
Then an epiphany hit. The thought of losing him physically was making her question if she actually had him emotionally. Everything had happened so fast. It was as if she’d woken up and found herself almost in love. And she wasn’t sure if she’d gotten here by herself, or if he’d made the trek with her. If he wasn’t really into “this,” she needed to know—needed to start putting on her emotional brakes. Brakes she’d kept locked until he walked into her life.
“That’s part of what makes it great.” He sounded as if he’d given it some thought.
“What?”
“The fact that you live in Heartbroke and I’m in Miller. We won’t get in each other’s way. Then on weekends, we can hook up. I’ll keep my apartment next to yours. Some weekends we can meet at the cabin.”
“You think I’d get in your way?”
“No.” He frowned. “I didn’t say that.”
“Yes, you did.” She quietly folded her hands in her lap, her chest tightening. A bright spray of sun spilled into the cab. Then she realized what else he’d said, that he’d keep his apartment. He didn’t even want to stay at her place.
Good golly. She was at an emotional place where she was ready to offer him forever, yet he wasn’t even going to offer her his weekends. She mentally reached for the emergency brake.
“Well, I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that… we both have our jobs and lives, and this way we won’t have to deal with that kind of stuff with each other.”
“But that ‘stuff’ is life.”
“It’s the drudgery of life. I won’t need to worry if I have to work late. When we’re together, we just have fun. No daily crap to worry about.”
“So just sex, huh?” The question bubbled up from somewhere inside her.
His brows tightened. “Don’t do this.”
“Don’t do what?”
“Don’t make what I said into something bad.”
Was that what she was doing? True, he hadn’t said anything about sex, but…“I’m just feeling vulnerable.”
“You don’t have to,” he said. “Like I said, this is the best-case scenario.”
Why was it best? Didn’t he know that statistically, long-distance relationships didn’t last? Why was everything beginning to feel wrong? Even her asking questions felt wrong, as if she was some clingy girl he’d slept with and who was now seeking promises.
He reached over and passed a hand over her cheek. “Hey… absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
If the brakes weren’t all the way pulled, they were now. That clarified his emotional status. Austin wanted the fun, but not the commitment. Just like her ex, who swore he still loved her but didn’t want to be monogamous. Just like her dad, who wanted her mom but didn’t want to live with her or be a part of his own kids’ lives.
She tried to swallow the emotion, but it hung on her tonsils. She felt eight again, being abandoned by her father at the cemetery.
The temptation hit to tell Austin the distance quote was bullshit. But logic intervened. Now wasn’t the time. He was about to step into a dangerous situation.
While they wouldn’t have a future, she didn’t want his future to be cut short because of her or her half brother. Good-bye would come soon enough.
She stared out the window. Fury burned her chest, but not at him. Not now. When he’d lied, she’d had a right to be furious, but he’d come clean. And he’d never confessed feelings for her at any time. Austin’s only admission was his attraction.
He hadn’t made promises. She hadn’t asked for promises. He’d saved her life. Probably saved her brother’s life. But they hardly knew each other. So what if they’d had sex? Great sex. It wasn’t his fault she’d let her heart get involved—that she wasn’t into recreational sex like ninety percent of the adult world.
It wasn’t his fault that her absent father had messed with her head and had her waiting for some knight in shining armor to sweep in and promise her a fairy-tale ending—one that included forever.
It wasn’t his fault that she couldn’t accept anything less.