WHAT?
I take a mental breath, not wanting to lose it in a house full of strangers. Azmir is being unreasonable. I really don’t know how we’ve arrived to this battlefield because it’s all happened so quickly. I’ve lost my pace in the race here.
“Why is it necessary for me to have a round-the-clock nurse?” I shake my head, expressing my incredulity.
“Well, given your history of…miscarriage I feel it’s necessary,” he utters firmly. That stung. Bringing up my past failure is just mean.
“This is ridiculous! I just got rid of one bodyguard only to get another?”
“I’m just doing what’s right for the baby,” he states coolly.
“And what about what’s best for me…for my mental health? Are you concerned about that at all?”
“You have you to look out for,” he grates. “I have to look out for me and my child. Somebody has to.”
I cup my mouth. Okay, this is on another level. He’s waging war. There is no warmth in his tone, no comfort in his sexy baritone.
“Pardon, Mr. Jacobs.” One of the construction workers walks up to Azmir and asks, “A word about the flooring…”
Azmir nods and murmurs, “In a minute,” rather clinically.
“And who are they? My cell builders?” I sneer.
“No, they’re from a boutique in Orange County, stripping and prepping the room for a nursery.”
“Nursery?” I gasp. “Azmir, you don’t even know my due date. We don’t even know the sex of the baby. This is way premature!” I’m feeling light-headed.
“Maybe you should sit down,” Ruby Mae takes me softly at my right arm and left shoulder. “You look a little pale.” I bite back asking her to remove her hands.
I feel like I’m losing it. My stomach is turning over, my bladder is full, and my head is spinning. I try to take a few breaths before I soil the Italian marble I stand on and corroborate his adamancy of me needing medical care. This isn’t my loving and patient A.D. He’s turned into someone cold and defensive…against defenseless me. I need his warm arms, not his arctic disregard. His only concern seems to be this baby and not me. A baby that I’m still adjusting to having been conceived.
“Azmir, what are we doing?” I sigh while holding my whirling head.
“I’m taking control. I have it now…as your husband and the father of that baby,” he points to my belly. “I now have a say.”
“Yes, you do! You’ve always had a say! I’ve never challenged that!” I scream.
Ruby Mae gently takes hold of both shoulders now, attempting to push me away from the line of fire. “Mrs. Jacobs, you should really lie down and refrain from overexerting yourself. It can affect the baby.”
“You didn’t? I’ll be damned if you didn’t,” Azmir continues, ignoring her plea. “Last summer you didn’t even tell me that I was a father, even if for a few weeks. You took that away from me! You will not have that opportunity this time!”
His words sear me. Suddenly, he doesn’t regard me as a partner. I’m feeling like someone he has to protect his child from, someone he’s protecting himself from. In this instance, his fear is palpable.
“We can work through this together. Alone! You can trust me to do the right thing this time,” I beg with Ruby Mae’s warm hands, still gripping my shoulders.
“I don’t relish taking that risk.” His eyes are empty. His voice is unkind. His soul is absent of his words. This isn’t my Azmir.
I have to think and think quickly. I must change the course of his anger. It has to happen now or we’re pretty much doomed. There’s no way that we can move forward disjointed. This isn’t partnership; it’s coexisting. I don’t want it. Not for me or this man who I love fiercely. I’m desperate now, my mind is running, rapidly flipping through words and phrases to make him see that I’ve changed and we can do this parenting thing together. I have to get back on the inside of his realm of trust. Now!
“I’m scared, too,” I bite out forcefully, just above a whisper. Azmir slightly jolts in my direction, his luscious mouth goes slack. “I’m afraid the one thing, besides me, that you’ve been consistently clear in desiring, I can’t provide.” I suck my tears back, afraid of letting them spill only to be rejected. I’ve always feared his indifference. It’s been something that he’s not been known to express when it comes to me. He’s loved me without limits. That’s all I know of this man, so in contrast to what I’m feeling in this moment.