He’d been a hundred and fifty percent sure he’d been doing the right thing when he’d made it clear that they’d never be more than friends. But now that she was the one pulling the full stop…
Funny thing about having choices taken away from you—it tended to make things all kinds of crystal clear. You either felt relief all the way into your bones because it was the right decision even if you hadn’t made it, or every cell inside you cried out in rebellion and loss and regret because you learned—too late—what it was you really wanted.
Ike shifted in the bed, kicked off the covers, and stared unseeingly up at the dark ceiling. On a sigh, he threw an arm over his head.
He wanted Jess. But he’d fucked things up with her more than once, and now she was done with him.
And though he still had all kinds of bullshit about his past and his failures and his shame whirling around in his brain, knowing she wasn’t even a possibility now cut right through it all—and made it clear that a lot of the rationale he’d been clinging to all this time was nothing more than fear-turned-convenient-justification. Which it turned out Ike was really fucking good at since he’d been working at it for the last eighteen years.
Sonofabitch.
One of the things in particular that Jess said yesterday had really been shaking things loose in his head.
You survived. You didn’t give in to what your father wanted. You got free. Living life on your terms is the sweetest vengeance of all…
Prickles ran over every inch of Ike’s body.
He’d gotten free of his father physically, but not mentally, not emotionally.
Jesus. He hadn’t been living life on his own terms, had he? Not really. Because he was still running from his father. Still internalizing his father’s terrible will. Because that’s what harassing Lana had been about—teaching Ike a lesson.
How much longer was Ike going to let his father control a single thing about his life?
And did it even matter now that things with Jess were beyond repair?
When morning finally dawned, Ike managed to doze off for a while, but his sleep was so restless that he woke up more exhausted than if he’d just gotten up without sleeping at all. His guts felt like they’d been through a meat grinder, and a solid, blaring ache had settled into his head. He stayed in the shower until the water ran cold.
Ike exchanged some texts with Dare to learn that the meeting between the team and the leader of their mercenary enemies was that afternoon following a funeral for the brother of one of the SF teammate’s girlfriends. That meant in a matter of hours they would know if this whole situation was coming to an end or about to get a whole lot fucking worse.
Finally, Ike had no other reason to hole up in his room. It was going on ten o’clock, after all.
He was dreading seeing the disappointment and distance on Jess’s face, but he was just pathetic enough to want to be in her presence anyway. Knocking on her door, he called, “Jess?” No answer. He knocked again.
Frowning, Ike set off to find her. It didn’t take long. She was in the big industrial kitchen with Bunny, who was regaling her with a story about her and Doc when they were younger while she flipped pancakes on the big grill. Next to her, Jess was scooping scrambled eggs off the grill into a big tray, her discomfort in the kitchen even more noticeable next to Bunny. It might’ve made him smile if the expression on Jess’s face hadn’t fallen so hard when she noticed him in the doorway.
“Hey,” Ike said.
“Hey, Ike. Good morning,” Bunny said. “Coffee’s on if you want some. And brunch will be ready soon.”
Jess didn’t say a thing, so Ike nodded and moved to the counter where the three-pot coffeemaker sat. He poured a cup and took a long sip, the hot liquid inside him making him feel incrementally better. Standing off to the side of the kitchen allowed Ike to watch Jess as she worked. She was wearing a loose white T-shirt pulled tight into a knot at the waist. Beneath it, a black bra was visible. On the bottom, skinny ripped-up blue jeans hugged her ass perfectly and ended inside her tall black boots. She pulled all of her hair into a thick side braid that laid over her left shoulder, the braid highlighting the red in her jet-black hair.
Jeans and a white T-shirt had never looked so damn good.
Jesus, he was a goner, wasn’t he?
“You realize if you stand in my kitchen, I’m gonna put you to work, right?” Bunny asked after a minute.
“I’m at your service,” he said.
She laughed. “My favorite words ever.” No doubt, she heard a version of them often enough since Ike didn’t know a single Raven who wouldn’t drop everything to give Bunny a hand. As Doc’s sister and Dare’s great-aunt, she commanded a lot of respect within the club.