I pause and look around the room filled with those who loved her—Joe the banker, Barb the florist, Noel the guy who took over my father’s shop, his wife, Faith, who was my mother’s best friend. Then I spot Dahl and River. I respect him for being here with her and comforting her. I’m not sure if I were in his situation, I could do the same. I continue speaking.
“I’m her younger child and I really don’t remember that young mom who was married to the man she loved beyond reason. But my sister told me what she remembers about our parents. She told me that in the loss of her husband and through her sorrow our mother only grew in wisdom and strength. She reached out in ways that I am just now becoming aware of. Through her loss she gained a different perspective on being a mother. She learned that love can help put back together things that don’t seem repairable.” I stop, choking on sobs as I try to get the words out. I glance up and spot the emerald green dress and red hair of S’belle Wilde. Suddenly my thoughts gallop off in a new direction. I know she’s a party planner—my sister must have hired her to plan all of this. She’s clearly in charge, pointing her finger and directing those around her what to do.
But my sister picks up the slack for me when I can’t find the words to continue. She takes a piece of paper from her purse. “I was thirteen when I read the following verse at my father’s funeral and the words are just as true today as they were then. ‘For this reason I bow my knees . . .’” She recites the bible verse she has kept close to her for so many years. Once she is done, together we thank everyone again for being there and I excuse myself needing some air.
I stagger outside and block out my surroundings for the longest time.
“Ben, I want you to know I’m here if you need anything.” I’d recognize his voice anywhere.
I swing around to glare at him, trying to figure out if I should keep my mouth shut but I decide against it. “Jason, look, I know what you’re up to.”
“What would that be?”
“Using our loss and your son’s addiction to get back with my sister.”
“Is that what you think? Because the way I see it—she needs someone.”
“She has me.”
He moves toward me locking his fists at his side but quickly relaxing them. “You know I always thought of you as more than just Serena’s little brother. You were mine, too. I appreciate and admire what you did for them when I couldn’t—the way you took care of my family. And I know you’re under a lot of pressure right now—losing your mother, your girl, and having your life turned upside down—so I’m going to let your attitude pass. But, Ben, remember, I’m on your side.”
I want to punch the righteous right off his face. “Oh, is that the way you feel? I’m glad you settled that between us.” I snort.
“One more thing. Since we’re having such a heart to heart. Trent is my kid, not yours. The next time he gets into trouble, call me. Don’t think you know what’s best for him, because you don’t.”
My patience for his arrogance has long passed. I move closer and press my finger into his chest. “No, Jason, that’s where you’re wrong. You don’t. You never gave that kid the time of day. I’d even go so far as to say you’re more worried about how it looks that the kid of a vice detective went to rehab than you are about what put him there.”
“I wish that were the case,” he mutters.
“Ben, stop it,” my sister calls out as she approaches us.
I raise my hands and try to talk but she cuts me off. “That’s enough. Just enough for today.”
“Right,” I say and walk away. I’ve had enough for today, too.
***
Fires have raced up the brushy hillsides and I feel just as pelted by the Santa Anas as those whose homes are surrounded by the blaze. I’m trapped in the flames of misery—lost inside my own ninety mile an hour winds, as time seems to pass so slowly.