He’s right about that. I’ve been way more aggressive than usual. I almost got ejected from the last game for fighting. “Seeing Lily isn’t going to change that.”
“You can’t know until you try,” Miller says. He’s been on me to work shit out, but there’s nothing to work. Lily hasn’t messaged me again since I left that voice mail, and I don’t have the balls to try again. I don’t know what I was thinking doing that in the first place. She’ll be moving to Chicago soon, but it’s not like I’m going to run into her all the time. Unless she’s at games. Then I’ll want to talk to her when I should really just leave her alone.
According to Sunny, Lily’s flying to Chicago next week. Alex didn’t want her driving in a U-Haul in the middle of January, so he’s having her stuff shipped to the house. I hate that I’m jealous of a guy with a fiancée.
“It’s not like talking about it is gonna change anything.”
“How do you know that?” Miller asks.
I run a frustrated hand through my hair. “Because it was supposed to be just fun and now it isn’t for her.”
“Can you explain that?” Miller asks.
“It was getting too serious,” I summarize.
“For who?” Miller scratches his week-old beard.
We’ve been over this before. I don’t see why we’re having the same conversation again. “For her.”
“So all she wanted was dick?” Miller asks.
“Well, yeah. We had a conversation right at the beginning about it being just fun and keeping things light.”
“Can we back up a second, because I’m still confused. Sunny says Lily’s a fucking mess over this. I don’t get why she’d be so upset if she was only in it for the dick.”
“I’m her rebound. I didn’t think it was going to turn into a case of the feelings.”
“Am I the only one here who’s acknowledging that you’ve been talking about Lily like you two were in a relationship?” Lance asks.
“No, we were—”
“Just having fun. We know.” Lance rolls his eyes.
“Well, what else could it reasonably be with her all the way in Canada and me traveling half the year? Besides, she just got out of a seven-year relationship—”
“From the sound of it, that relationship was over long before that,” Miller says.
“It’s not like it matters. It’s better this way. Ending shit was smart before I could ruin it by doing something stupid.” Shit. I am teen-girl PMS-y.
“What are you even talking about?” Miller asks.
“She’s moving here, and I’m gonna want this to be something it can’t be.” I think it should be clear by now who I am.
“You mean a relationship?” Miller presses. Lance is staring at his Xbox controller.
“Yeah.”
“I don’t get why it can’t be exactly that, especially with her moving to Chicago. That’s way easier to manage than her living in Canada. I would know. It seems like that’s what you want.”
“Yeah, but I’m gonna fuck her over eventually.”
“How can you know? They replace your balls with crystal ones? Can you see into the future?” Miller looks extremely unimpressed.
“That’s what my dad did. He fucked my mom over. Repeatedly. I don’t ever want to do that to another person. I don’t wanna hurt someone like that.”
“You’re not your dad,” Miller argues.
“I’m exactly like him.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes. I am.”
“Uh, dude, I grew up with you. I know what your dad’s like, and while you might look like him and you might play hockey like he did—except better—that’s where the similarities end. You’ve spent your entire life trying not to be like him. You’d never do to another person what he did to your mom. You’re a better person than he is.”
“I almost screwed another girl the last time I was in Toronto. The only reason I didn’t was because Lily showed up.”
“You wouldn’t have fucked her,” Lance says quietly.
“You don’t know that. If you hadn’t said something, I wouldn’t have checked my messages, and I would’ve taken that chick up to my room.”
“Doesn’t mean you would’ve fucked her. I wouldn’t have let that happen,” Lance replies.
“I don’t see how you would’ve been able to stop me. And that’s the point, isn’t it? I don’t have the ability to be with one person.”
“You’ve never even tried to know,” Miller fires back. “You always cut out when it starts getting real—except you didn’t do that with Lily.”
“Look how well that’s worked out! And when she told me how she felt, I told her I’d fuck her over. Why the hell would she want anything to do with me after I said something like that?”