CHAPTER 9
CERYS
Ella hops around the garden in her red boots, cheeks reddened by the cold. The snow stopped falling long enough to take advantage of the white playground so I swaddle Ella in coat, scarf, and gloves and follow her out. If she sings ‘Do You Want to Build a Snowman?’ one more time I’m going to scream, so this has to be done and quickly. Ella saw the movie Frozen once and she’s obsessed. I pray the DVD won’t be available anytime soon.
I’m midway through rolling a snowball into something large enough to make the snowman’s body when another sails over my head and hits the fence. I look round at a laughing Liam. Seeing him jolts my heart every time, as if he’s an apparition from my past returned to remind me of when I was younger. The Liam I knew years back was scrawny; he’s not a solid, muscular guy but has a wiry strength about him I find more attractive than beefy guys. I grit my teeth against my body’s flaring to life as his green eyes meet mine. His long red hair is pulled back into a ponytail and his full mouth tilts at one corner in response to my scrutiny. I know I shouldn’t engage with him, but it’s difficult.
Liam’s attitude toward me is gentler than before he left too. Well, more than gentler if you count the kiss. Kiss. I look away before he recognises the desire I’ve tried to hide from him for the last couple of days.
“Bad shot,” I say.
“Oh, if I’d wanted to hit you, I would. I wasn’t sure how you’d react though.” Liam bends down and scoops more snow into his hand, then holds it as if about to throw the ball at me.
“You made the right choice,” I reply pouting in warning.
“You can help build a snowman,” Ella says. “Mummy is too slow.”
“Because you keep stomping on the balls I make!” I say and poke her.
Ella giggles. “I like snow.”
Liam rubs his cheek. He’s wearing his beanie and a leather jacket but doesn’t have gloves on. “Sure, I’ll help.”
Liam sets about rolling snow into a ball and being incredibly patient with the four year old who throws snow at him. He retaliates with snowballs of his own and I brace myself for my turn. While they play and fall in the snow, I keep my distance from the exchange. Hearing Ella laugh after days of quiet sadness makes and breaks my heart. Liam knows everything about mine and Ella’s situation now and, for some reason, is making an effort to be nice to Ella, which is kind of him but hurts too. Not because he emphasises how little attention her dad used to give her, but because his friendship and affection will leave us after Christmas.
“Let’s get Olaf finished, Ella, it’ll be dark soon,” I say.
Liam and Ella are covered in snow with matching red faces. I shake my head at them both. “You’ll need a warm bath when you get inside, missy.”
Liam runs his tongue along his teeth as he approaches. “Do I get a warm bath, too?”
His words trip the switch that causes arousal, and my hardening nipples have nothing to do with the cold. I frown at the teasing grin I expect on his face. Instead, there’s an unmistakable one of want in his green eyes.
“Your hands must be freezing!” I say, looking at his red fingers.
Liam places an icy palm on my cheek. “Yup.”
“Jesus, Liam! That’s cold! Go inside.”
“When we’ve finished Ella’s snowman.” His palm remains on my cheek too long to miss the intimacy of the gesture, and he gazes at my lips before blinking and removing his hand.
I duck my head and focus hard on the task, fighting my own foolish need to touch this man. Liam remains where he is and I tense against his next word or touch. Ella comes to my rescue as a ball of snow smacks Liam on the side of the head. I chew down on my mouth suppressing a giggle at his shocked look.
Liam cocks a brow at my amusement, snow sliding down his cheek. “Funny, huh?”
“Kind of.”
“Oh, yeah?”
As soon as Liam scoops snow into his hands, I know what’s coming. “Don’t you dare!”
“I’ll give you first shot.”
“I grew out of snowball fights, thanks.”
Liam shakes his head. “You need to have more fun in your life, Cerys. You can still be a mum and throw snowballs at hot rock stars.”
“Oh? Is Dylan here?” I make a pretence of looking around for him.
“For that comment...” The snowball narrowly misses my head as I duck.
“Bad shot.”
“As I said before, if I wanted to get you, I would.”
Another ball of snow hits Liam and I’m secretly impressed by Ella’s accuracy but also worried she’s pushing him too far.
Liam turns and holds his hands up in surrender. “You win! But be nice or I won’t help you finish the snowman.”
“Okay,” says Ella and drops the snow from her hand.
Liam gathers another handful and begins making the snowman’s head. “Come on; let’s show your mum how much better I am at building snowmen than she is.”
“I like you,” says Ella as she watches Liam place the head on the snowman’s body.
“Why, thank you, little lady,” he says in a false American drawl.
Ella suddenly hugs Liam around the leg and he looks down in surprise before glancing at me. Now he’s out of his depth as his arms hover over whether to hug the girl back or not.
“Ella, let Liam go so he can find a carrot for Olaf’s nose.”
“I’ll go! I want to choose!” Ella releases Liam and heads to the house with Goldie in tow.
Crap, here comes another of those silences Liam insists on filling with uncomfortable talk.
“Sorry about yesterday,” says Liam. “I was stressed; I forget who I am sometimes.”
“It’s okay; I can understand you don’t want to be seen with me.”
“Not true. I just don’t want you getting hassled.” He wipes the loose snow from my hair, snow that mysteriously hit me in Liam’s fight with Ella. “I like being with you. It’s weird but it feels natural somehow.”
“I’m from your past and you’re in your past right now, that’s why,” I reply.
“There’re lots of people around from my past, but I don’t obsess about kissing them all.”
“Liam, don’t.”
“Just being honest, Cerys.”
Oh, God, don’t kiss me again even though at this moment his mouth on mine is the only thing I can hold in my thoughts.
Luckily, for me, Ella returns with a carrot. The snowman is a metre and a half high so I lift her up to push the carrot into the snow. She and Liam set about searching for sticks and stones to finish decorating the snowman while I fight down the affection I have for Liam. He not only heats my blood, but his behaviour around Ella melts my heart.
Liam lifts Ella so she can place two stones as eyes and she grabs his black beanie. “He needs a hat!”
“Ella!” I say.
“I agree; he needs a hat.” Liam places his beanie on the snowman’s head and releases Ella.
He grins down at her, his hair sticking up and I want to scream at him ‘don’t do this to us; don’t make me care about you by playing with us’. But I don’t think he’s doing any of this on purpose; he doesn’t realise Ella is getting attached to him as quickly as I am.
“Will you come to my birthday?” Ella asks him.
Liam rubs the back of his neck. “Umm. I don’t know. When is it?”
“June,” I say.
He laughs. “I’d love to if I’m free.”
This is going too far, he can’t make promises like this to her. Liam doesn’t understand Ella’s black and white world.
“I think Liam might be busy. He doesn’t live in Wales and he might be working.”
“What day is your birthday?” he asks Ella, ignoring me.
“Tuesday?” She looks to me for confirmation.
“Liam, a four year old isn’t going to know her birth date. It’s June 10th.”
“Really?” He pushes Ella on the nose. “That’s why we’re friends! That’s my birthday, too!”
“Oh, so he’ll definitely be busy,” I say firmly.
“I might not be.”
“Liam, stop it,” I hiss. “Don’t make a promise you know you can’t keep.”
“Who says I won’t?”
Ella looks between us and I recognise her expression, the one of concern she gets when I argue with her dad.
I do the same as in those situations with her dad: “Ella, can you go inside now? It’s getting too cold.”
“But...”
“Ella.”
She stomps through the snow toward the house and I glare at Liam. “This isn’t a game!”
“I’m not playing games!”
“You do know she’s expecting you at her birthday party now! She won’t forget.”
“And neither will I.”
I make an exasperated noise. “Aren’t you touring in June?”
Liam raises an eyebrow. “How do you know that?”
I stare at the ground. “I just do.”
“So you are a Blue Phoenix fan still!”
“I always was.”
“I know; you told me in the kitchen the other night.” Liam’s mouth tugs up at one corner.
Oh no. What did I say? “Yes.”
He laughs. “You don’t remember?”
“I do,” I lie.
“I don’t think you do remember, otherwise you’d be blushing.”
“What? What did I do?”
“You didn’t do anything, but let’s just say I know who your favourite band member is.”
The memory of the conversation filters in; how I practically threw myself at Liam and told him I had a crush on him. Is that what he’s taking advantage of? Is that the reason for the games and the kisses?
“Ego, much?” I snap.
“Hey, I’m kidding. Why so uptight again?”
“You don’t get it. This is mine and Ella’s reality, Liam. You can come here, play in the snow, then fly back to your life of the rich and famous but our life isn’t like that. Don’t do this to Ella.” Or me.
“Do what? Have fun? Make her smile? Hell, I might even make you smile again if you let me!”
“I don’t have much to smile about, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
I turn toward the house and Liam grabs my gloved hand, holding.
“Relax. Enjoy Christmas, even if you only do it for Ella.”
“You don’t understand.”
“I do, you’re hurt; but so am I, remember? So no, I won’t play games with you. But I also won’t stop myself being around people who make me forget the pain I left behind.”
I lift my eyes to his, to the honesty in his face and the hidden hurt I know touches on mine.
“Just don’t make her want you around when you’re going to leave her,” I say quietly, and we both know that I’m not talking about Ella.
****
Ella’s attachment to Liam reflects the unhealthy one emerging from me because when he’s not around at her bed time, she gets grumpy and refuses to go to bed until she sees him. Maybe we’re both genetically programmed to fall in love with him. I shake myself. Fall in love? The teen crush I had on Liam lingers, and kissing him really didn’t help. Eventually, Ella realises pouting won’t bring Liam to her, so she stomps off to bed. I’m sure she picks the longest book possible to read to delay her bedtime, and after slogging through the never-ending tale about princesses and fairies, I arrive back downstairs to find Louise in her favourites blue dress, and face made-up ready for a night out.
“You coming?” she asks.
“You never said you were going out.”
“I’ll wait for you, I’m meeting Connor, and he’s bringing some friends.”
“Trying to set me up?” I ask and think ‘with someone who isn’t your brother’. “No, I only asked your parents to babysit the other night, I can’t ask again.”
“She’s asleep! Come on!” Louise gives me a small push toward the stairs.
Liam walks into the kitchen and heads to the fridge for a beer. He’s barefoot in dark denim and a Blue Phoenix T-shirt that stretches across his tattoo-covered biceps. Another of the weird moments passes between us, the kind that blanks the world around, an unspoken understanding that we’re fighting something.
“You going out, Lou?” he asks.
“Just with Connor and some friends.”
“Ah, cool, I’ll get my coat. Are you coming, Cerys?”
Louise flicks a look between me and Liam, opening her mouth to protest.
“Um. I’m not sure,” I reply.
“Mum!” yells Liam into the lounge room behind him. “Is it okay to listen out for Ella for a couple of hours? We’re going to the pub!”
Now I’m the one about to protest and Liam winks at me. Oh, God. Linda is bound to say yes. She does. Crap
“Cool, you going like that or getting changed?” Liam asks me.
I looked down at my scruffy, checked pyjama pants. “What do you think?”
“Yes?” There’s a teasing glint to his eye and I have a sudden inclination to go out as I am.
“I’ll change but I don’t think I’ll reach your standards of women,” I say, remembering my earlier conversation with Louise.
I leave the kitchen but don’t miss Liam’s surprised look.