Chapter Seven
Ruby
The days slide through my fingers as I try to catch time and slow it down. I’m not ready to face Dan yet. Ruby Riot is rehearsing several nights a week now, up from the one Sunday afternoon session. Dan only knows about Sundays, the day he comes with me. He works some evenings and I match the extra rehearsals to those; that way Dan doesn’t know I’m going and we don’t argue about it. Jax is pissed off with me at rehearsals because the anxiety over whether Dan will find out is affecting my performance.
What can I do? Dan said no more gigs after dickhead Jax decided to touch me in front of him, so what choice do I have? I have to take the risk and do this behind Dan’s back even though I’m terrified he’ll find out. He won’t. Dan’s work timetable is rigid and he spends more time there than at home anyway. Jem will give up on us if we don’t maintain extra commitment; I’m sure. Then the band would hate me. And if I lost Ruby Riot, I’ve lost everything.
Our rehearsal space is a room above a pub in Box Hill, a popular place for small student bands; it’s where I met the Ruby Riot boys a little over a year ago. The band was the three of them back then, and Jax was lead singer. After the gig, he hit on one of my friends and invited her back to the guys’ house. Because we didn’t know them and I wanted to make sure Cathy would be okay, I went too.
This was back when Dan wasn’t as bad as now, his controlling behaviour insidious. I was allowed out alone in the evenings without an argument, although he’d come up with spurious reasons for me to stay home with him. No threats, just careful manipulation. It was when I became involved with Ruby Riot that things took an ugly turn.
That night, Jax inevitably picked up his guitar and turned on the charms for not just Cathy but the other girls. He’s a good-looking guy and had already sweet-talked Cathy, so add in the guitar playing and he had a circle of admirers. Jax’s swagger amused me so I picked up the spare in the corner of the lounge and outplayed him. Instead of being annoyed, Jax switched his attention from Cathy to me, which pissed her off. I informed him I had a boyfriend and Jax told me he didn’t care because I wasn’t his type of girl. With that out of the way, we spent the next two hours straight talking about music.
Jax calls it fate that the band was named Ruby Riot, and in walks a Ruby who completed the band. I laughed, was flattered, but he was dead serious. We arranged for me to get together at their rehearsal the following Saturday.
That evening, it was as if someone opened a window and fresh air rushed in. I gave up music shortly after I moved in with Dan; I didn’t have time to rehearse with the guys from school anymore and they replaced me. Before Dan, music was my sanctuary but he pushed me away from that side of who I was, slowly, until so many days passed I forgot about playing. I switched off the essential part of who I was, to be who Dan told me I should be. One evening with Jax and the twins, and the buried Ruby reappeared, a new reminder that this girl from the past is who I am.
Time ran away and I was late home.
That was the first night Dan moved from verbal abuse to physical.
A week later, when I met the guys, the bruises had faded but the yellow marks on my arms were there. So was Dan. He agreed to come and check out the band and told me if he approved I could go ahead. I’d never performed in front of Dan, or anybody for a lot of years, but I did what I always do; closed my eyes and tuned into the sound around, tuning out everything but the music rippling through my body. I see sound like colour. When I’m playing, I’m on another plane, one where I visualise the interaction of the bars and notes, the procession of colour melding into a rainbow of melodies.
Dan disappeared downstairs to the bar after half an hour, muttering about how shit I was but he was alone in his opinion. The three other people in the room told me I was talented; Ruby Riot wanted me and the possibility I was worth something flipped a page on a new book in my life. Now I can fill the pages or tear them out.
“Ruby, what the f-uck?” Jax shoves me, dragging me to the here and now. Rehearsals. Time’s short. Need to get home. “You missed the intro again.”
“Sorry,” I mutter.
“Get in the right headspace; Jem’s coming today.”
Will taps the drums in a quiet rhythm while Nate matches the bass as they tune out the inevitable flare up about to happen between us.
“Jem?” Shit. He’s going to ask about the tour. He’ll want an answer.
“Yeah, the guy putting himself out for us. Remember?”
I scuff my boot along the scratched wooden stage. “Yeah. Forgot.”
“I take it from your paler than usual face, you haven’t told Dan you’re going away?”
I chew a nail and refuse to meet his eyes. “Soon. I have to pick the right moment to ask.”
“For f-uck’s sake! Not ask him, bloody tell him!” Jax rips the strap from around his neck and props the guitar against the speaker, storming across the room. I stride after and catch up to him in the narrow hallway to the stairs.
“Jax!”
“What is with you? Why can’t you get away from him?” he snaps, face lined by anger. “You’re stronger than this! Just f-ucking leave!”
His words knock my breath. I thought he understood. “I can’t.”
“Bullshit! You don’t want to!”
“You think I enjoy him treating me like he does?”
“I don’t know? Do you? Why else would you stay?”
“I have to!” I yell. “I owe him!”
“Again, I call bullshit, Ruby. You’re choosing to stay. Which means you’re choosing him over yourself.”
For the first time in a long time, I want to cry. I want Jax to understand that it’s not as easy as packing up and walking out of the door. Jax knows I’m trying to change things but I’m scared. Scared of what Dan would do to me and terrified that Dan’s right, nobody else would want damaged goods.
Dan loves me.
“You don’t understand!” I yell. “I thought you understood.”
“I understand you might be f-ucking up Ruby Riot’s big break just because you’re a coward!”
My frustration matches his, but as usual, I have a harder time controlling mine. I shove Jax hard in the chest and he stumbles backward, banging his elbow on the wall. “f-uck you!” I yell.
“This looks familiar,” says a voice from the stairs. Jem walks slowly up the narrow wooden stairs that lead down to the pub. “Musical differences or lover’s tiff?”
Jax makes a derisive sound and rubs his elbow. “No f-ucking way I’d get involved with Ruby.”
How much did Jem hear? He knows the truth about Dan because he’s witnessed it, but I want him on the edge of my personal life. Jem can’t know the full story. Again, Jem gives me the look, the one I hate, the one with more understanding than Jax.
“She’s right. You don’t understand,” he says quietly to Jax.
“What the f-uck do you know about my situation?” I snap at him but the address on the card he gave me already answers my question.
“I’m not blind, Ruby. And I know more about this shit than you realise.”
His admission silences me, but doesn’t quiet the adrenaline fuelling my system. I turn away and stomp back toward the stage.
“Come on!” I yell to Jax.
A couple of minutes later, the pair appears. I don’t know what Jem said to Jax but he gives me an apologetic smile before retrieving his guitar. I mouth ‘sorry about your elbow’ between verses in our first song. He winks and mouths back ‘no problem.’
Jem Jones said something, explained to Jax what I couldn’t. He understands.
Jem’s getting too close.