Noah has 99.9% of my heart. The rest will always belong to a special boy who changed my life forever.
I still spent time with Dalton on the Sundays before chemo. It gave me comfort and strength to face another treatment.
“Dalton, I did it. I told Noah I loved him and he loves me. I wasn’t too late.”
I knelt, placing the flowers down and ran my hand over his name. Dalton Michael Connor.
The night I danced with Dalton was the last time I saw him. When I went to chemo the next morning, I found out he had died in his sleep, just a few hours after leaving me.
Dalton was the first cancer funeral I went to. He had planned it himself. There was a cover band that played The Stones, AC/DC, and of course, Whitney Houston. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t miss him. I realize now that what I felt between us that night was Dalton giving me my thank you and goodbye. But most of all, he was giving me my life with Noah.
See ya, goodbye, adios, sayonara, good riddance, ciao and good night to you.
My chemo finally came to an end just before summer. To say I was ecstatic would be an understatement. Other than my memories of being in treatment alongside Dalton, I wanted that part of my life over with. I still believe that everything happens for a reason, even the bad stuff. And I’ll always be grateful for the lessons cancer taught me, for the people it brought into my life and the bright light it cast on those already in my life, so that I could see how deeply their love for me was. I was ready to start back at school and make a life with Noah. Cancer had given me a second chance and I wasn’t going to waste it.
Noah and I were inseparable. Other than when he was in class, we were together. I guess we were trying to make up for all the time we weren’t a couple. We decided to move into together. His dad had left him enough money for a sizable down payment and then some, so he bought a condo in the same community as his friend Carter, which was great because we weren’t far from Emily. Emily and I were closer than ever. The support and strength she gave me during the worst of my treatment was incredible. I couldn’t have survived this without her.
Noah and I moved into our place the first part of the summer. It was one of the happiest days of my life.
He was eager to graduate early and start medical school, so he took classes over the summer and worked a full time job as a transporter at MUSC, the medical school he would be attending. Noah was incredible.
I decided to take a couple of core classes when the fall semester started at the College of Charleston. I was going to research schools that offered a major in journalism through online courses. I wasn’t going to leave Charleston, my family, and of course, Noah. Charleston was full of locally published magazines besides the newspaper. Over the summer, I had done some freelance writing for a local magazine. It was great because I was gaining experience and making contacts. Life was good but busy. Busy is good because it shows you’re alive. That sounds like something Dalton aka Mr. Miyagi would say. That boy made quite an impression on me and my outlook on life.
I reached my one year anniversary of being cancer free. I went in for monthly checkups at first, then it turned into every three months, and since I hit the one year mark, I’ll go every six months unless I have any trouble. I couldn’t believe it had been a year and a half since the diagnosis and amputation. My artificial leg finally started to feel like a part of me. Not that it will ever feel like an actual leg, but you’d be amazed how your mind adjusts to it.
I think about Dalton every day and miss him. Even though my chemo is over, I still go visit him on those Sundays before what would be our on week. I started volunteering once a week at the Hollings Cancer Center. I’d never be someone’s Dalton because what he and I had was special and unique, but I could hold the hand of a scared child or listen to a teenager talk about their concerns regarding what lies ahead for them.
Noah graduated from the College of Charleston in three years with honors. I don’t know who was more proud of him on his graduation day, me or his mom. Most likely, it was a tie. He was beyond excited to start medical school.
The second anniversary being cancer free came and went without a lot of attention. I was glad. That meant I was no longer defining myself by the cancer. Noah and I celebrated quietly with a dinner cruise around Charleston Harbor. It was nice spending an entire evening together. He’d been so busy with classes that he rarely had a free night. Medical school was more demanding than either of us thought it would be. I mean, they tell you up front that it will be your life, day and night, but you think they’re exaggerating. They’re not. But we would get through this together, piece of cake.
I was sitting in Dr. Lang’s office waiting for him. When Noah and I finally became an official couple, he went with me to the remaining chemo treatments and to every follow-up appointment, except for today.
He was up late last night studying. He didn’t have classes until later today, so I wanted him to catch up on his sleep. He’d be pissed when he woke up and discovered I snuck out of the condo and came here without him, but it wasn’t necessary to always have someone by my side at every appointment. Everything had been going well and I felt great. Dr. Lang walked in and sat behind his desk.
“Noah didn’t come with you today?”
“He was up late last night studying, so I let him sleep. He’ll be mad, but he’ll get over it.”
“He’s been with you at every other appointment. I assumed he would be with you today.” He looked up at me.
I had gotten to know Dr. Lang pretty well over the past few years. I could tell in his eyes he didn’t have good news.
“Amanda, I think Noah needs to be here so we can talk. I’ll have Gayle call him.”
“No. Don’t call him. He’s sleeping.”
“He’d want to be here.” The door opened and his receptionist Gayle walked in. “Gayle would you call Noah Stewart and…”
I stood up abruptly and said, “Do not call him. He is sleeping.” The tears stung my eyes.
That underwater feeling that I had almost forgotten about came rushing back. The doctor motioned to Gayle and she left us alone. I sat back down.
“Amanda, you’re in no condition to drive yourself home. We need to discuss our plan of action. Noah needs to be here. We can call your parents too, if you like.” I simply shook my head.
A half hour later Noah was sitting by my side, clutching my hand. “There were a couple of suspicious spots that showed up on your chest x-ray. The other tests show that the cancer is back. I’m sorry. I think another round of chemo is advisable,” the doctor said.
Another round of chemo echoed in my head. Another round of chemo with the nausea and exhaustion. Another round of chemo, but without Dalton.
Even though I knew the stats and Dr. Lang never hid the fact that the cancer could come back most likely in my lungs, I still fooled myself into believing I was free and clear at this point. My anxiety level had shot through the roof during the first year of checkups, but I had started to relax after the second anniversary.
“My recommendation is that we do what we did last time, ten cycles and…”
“I’m pregnant,” I blurted out.
Dr. Lang looked up at me and Noah. He knew already.
“Yes, I realize that.” He exhaled a deep breath. “I know that the recurrence comes as horrible and unexpected news. You’re still early into the pregnancy.” Noah and I glanced at each other. I think we were both still in shock because neither of us were understanding what he was suggesting. “You’re both young and still have plenty of time to start a family.”
“I’m having our baby.”
“Amanda, you know how strong the chemo drugs are. The baby would be at an extremely high risk.”
“Then I won’t have the chemo until after the baby is born,” I said
“Tweet…”
“I’m not going to kill our baby with chemo or any other way.” Dr. Lang stood and rounded his desk.
“I know this is a difficult decision. I’m going to step out for a bit, so you can have some privacy.”
Once I heard the door click shut, my sobs poured out of me. Noah rushed over and knelt in front of me. We wrapped our arms around each other, holding on tightly, I melted into him.
He kept repeating, “I love and adore you.” His voice cracking as he held me and stroked my hair.
My only response was, “I’m sorry for getting sick again.”
His arms tightened around me. I don’t know how long we stayed like that. I was exhausted from the sobs, but I couldn’t seem to stop.
“Tweet, you know I want our baby, but I need you. I want to have a life with you.”
“If I don’t have our baby and I don’t survive, then you’ll be alone. I don’t want you to be alone. I know it will be a lot, but my mom will help, and so will your mom, and Emily…”
“I could have the entire f*cking city helping me, but if you’re not with me I will be alone.”
I looked into his beautiful light blue eyes with tears flowing from them nonstop, drenching his face. Those beautiful eyes were overflowing with love and fear.
Hours must have passed sitting there weighing all our options. When Noah and I left the office, we had made our decision. We knew it was going to be hard, but there really was no other option for us.
I love all the gadgets we have now to communicate. Cell phones, texting, emailing, Facetime, Skype, but there’s still nothing quite like a handwritten letter or note. They’re warm, cozy, and personal. Sure, it might take longer for them to get to you, but some things are worth the wait.
I was in the nursery curled up in the huge glider, my parents had given us as a baby gift. I had two more months to go before I would meet this little one. I hoped that if my time here was coming to an end, that I would at least get to meet my child first, even if it was only for a brief moment.
Noah walked by and stopped in the doorway. “There you are. What are you up to?” he asked.
“I’m writing more notes.”
“Why?” It was a knee jerk reaction. I smiled up at him. He understood why I was doing this, but he wasn’t comfortable talking about it.
“Don’t do that,” I said.
“Do what?”
“Play dumb. You’re no good at it.”
“Slapped in the face by my own words.” He chuckled as he came over to me. Bending down, he kissed the top of my head. “Good. You can read them to her when she gets old enough to understand.”
I looked up at him. It never ceased to amaze me how much I loved him. I’ve known him all my life and every day that passes, I love him more and even if I’m not here, I will never stop loving my knight in plastic armor.
I knew Noah was terrified of the future. He didn’t talk about it, but I could see it in his eyes every time someone brought it up. I wanted to still be a part of raising Halle even if I wasn’t physically here. The day we walked out of Dr. Lang’s office, we had decided that I would wait and have chemo immediately after Halle was born. It was very risky, since before, my cancer was very aggressive, but it was a risk I had to take for our daughter.
I started writing notes to Halle later that night. I needed to make sure I gave her, her thank you and goodbye, just in case I didn’t get to meet her, and I knew that the present was the perfect time to make sure she would have that.
Halle,
I love you and I’m sorry I’m not able to be there to watch you grow into a beautiful intelligent woman. I’m writing you these notes for two reasons.
Reason one: Even though your daddy is a wonderful man, and you grandmothers and aunt Emily will be there to answer any questions, there are certain things that only a mother can teach her daughter. I will do my best to cover the most important topics.
Reason two: Even though your daddy has taken a ton of video of me for you to watch, I wrote notes because I wanted you to be able to take them with you wherever you went, so you can pull them out to read when you need me. My words will always be with you.
You have no idea how happy I was when I found out you were coming. I loved you from that second on. You were perfect because you were mine and your daddy’s. I love him very much, Halle. I was blessed to have him in my life. When the doctor told me, I was sick again my first and only thought was to protect you. There was no way I would do anything to hurt you and keep you from meeting your daddy. I hope someday you understand my choice. I love you with my heart & soul.
Mommy
Halle,
Don’t grow up too fast. Enjoy being a kid. There will be a lot of influences, like peer pressure and things you see on TV and in movies, pushing you to grow up. Don’t feel pressured to do what they say. Have fun, laugh, make friends, and play, All the grownup stuff will still be there when you arrive. I love you.
Mommy
Halle,
I had my mother, your grandmother, sign a paper stating that she will in no way force you to wear a Halloween costume that is not of your choosing. Just to be on the safe side, your aunt Emily notarized it. When you’re old enough, you will be able to go up to the doors, knock, and say trick or treat by yourself. There’s no reason to be scared. There are no monsters behind any of those doors. I promise. I love you.
Mommy
Halle,
Chocolate cake makes a lot of things in life better. Just don’t eat too much. I love you.
Mommy
Halle,
Smart is cool and will never go out of style. Don’t ever dumb yourself down for anyone. I love you.
Momma
Halle,
Friends: It’s not the quantity, but the quality that matters. You will meet a lot of people throughout your life, not everyone will be your friend. That’s ok. You’ll know when you meet a true friend. True friends are trusting and loyal. They are there for you during good and bad times. They come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. It doesn’t matter what they look like on the outside. The inside is where you find their quality. I love you.
Momma
Halle,
Your daddy is a wonderful man. There’s never been a time in my life that I didn’t love him. We were pretty young when you arrived. What I’m trying to say is that one day, your daddy will probably find someone who makes him happy. He may even want to marry her. He deserves to be happy and in love. I want you to be happy for him. Don’t be jealous. It doesn’t mean he loves you any less. It just means his heart has healed. I love you.
Momma
Halle,
Don’t let society’s labels hold you back. If you have a true passion for something whether its sports, art, science, etc…don’t believe anyone who says you can’t do it because you’re a girl. If you want to play baseball, hockey, or football, don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t. If you want to play with Hot Wheel cars and Legos, then do it. Only you are the boss of you. (Technically, your daddy is the boss of you until you’re 18, but you get my drift.) I love you.
Momma
Halle,
On the subject of fashion/makeup: With makeup, less is more is the general rule.
Fashion: Fewer, micro-mini, tight, lower are all words to avoid when looking for clothes.
Underwear is to be worn under your clothes. That’s why it’s called underwear and not outerwear.
Respect yourself and your body. Half shirts and short shorts are okay at the beach that is if your daddy lets you out of the house dressed in them. I love you.
Momma
Halle,
Travel to other towns, states, and countries. Realize that your way is not the only way. Different doesn’t equal bad or wrong. Be open minded and informed before making a decision. I love you.
Momma
Halle,
Expand your mind. Read something every day whether it’s a book or an article. I love you.
Momma
Halle,
Go against the grain and be confident. You don’t need to be a size 2, with blonde highlights, and big boobs. Being different and unique has gotten a bad rap. Different and unique equals original and rare. There is not another Halle Marie Stewart in the world like you. No one else will see the world like you do. Nurture your originality, don’t ever bury it away. I love you.
Mom
Halle,
Don’t compare yourself to others and don’t let others compare you. Believe in your abilities. Set your goals and work hard toward them. You won’t always reach them and that’s okay. If you did your best then you should be proud of that. You may not get the trophy, but the ribbon for participation is pretty cool. It shows you were in there trying and as long as you try you’ll be a winner. I love you.
Mom
Halle,
You may hear, on occasion, your daddy use a term that involves the word “Smurf”. Don’t repeat that word…especially to your grandmothers…or grandfather…or…just don’t repeat it. I love you.
Mom
Halle,
Don’t be afraid to love with all your heart. You risk getting hurt, but the benefits are worth the risks. Your daddy and granddaddy were the finest men I ever knew. Find a boy who you can say that about. When you find him, let him love you. We all have faults, parts of ourselves we don’t like, True love sees past all that and focuses on your heart. If you love someone, tell them. It doesn’t matter if they say it back to you. Whoever makes you feel that deeply and that intensely, deserves to know how they’ve impacted you. I love you.
Mom
Halle,
You will have difficult times in your life, everyone does. I hope you have very few. Have a sense of humor. It will get you through those times. Don’t run from difficulties. Getting through them builds strength and character. I love you.
Mom
Halle,
I’m proud of you. Whether you’ve decided to be a wife, mother, career woman or all three, (You most definitely can be all three.) I’m proud of the woman you’ve become. You’re probably wondering how I could be proud of you when I’m not there to see how you turned out. I know you grew into a wonderful woman because I know the wonderful man who raised you. I love you.
Mom
Halle,
Find something/someone that you’ll miss. Because if you miss them that means your life was enhanced and you cared. I miss you.
Mom
Halle,
People will tell you that there is one soul mate out in the world for every person and when you find them, you’ll know and fall in romantic love with them. That’s a load of crap. It’s extremely rare to have more than one soul mate in your lifetime, but it’s possible. And the soul mate doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship. Sometimes in life, you meet people when you need them, and there is an immediate connection. I was one of the lucky ones.
I had two soul mates in my life. Your daddy was the first, the love of my life. When I was 19, I met my second soul mate, a boy named Dalton. I never stopped loving your daddy. Dalton came into my life exactly when he was supposed to. He was only in my life for a short time, but boy did he use it to make an indelible impression. So, sometimes your soul mate is in your life for a short period of time, but you will always carry them in your heart and soul. I love you.
Mom
Halle,
Everyone deserves a thank you and goodbye. I love you.
Mom
Halle,
I wish I could have been there to wrap my arms around you when you were hurt and when you were happy. I wish I could have been there to wipe your tears away and to let you know things would get better while we ate a piece of chocolate cake. I wish I could have been there to share all your firsts with you. But where ever you go in life, I’ll be with you through my words and in your heart and soul. You don’t need to be perfect in your life, but always be present in it. The present is the most perfect gift you can have. I love you.
Mom