Chapter Fifteen
“Will.”
I try to open my eyes, but only one of them opens. I’m in the floor again. I close my eye before my entire head explodes.
“Will, wake up.”
I sit up and run my hands along the chairs next to me, pulling myself into one by the arm. I still can’t open my other eye. I shield the fluorescent lights with my hands and turn my head toward the voice.
“Will, I need you to listen to me.”
I finally recognize the voice as Sherry. “I’m listening,” I whisper. It feels like if I spoke in any louder of a tone, it would be too painful. My whole head hurts. I bring my hand to the bandage over my eye, then to my eye. It’s swollen. No wonder I can’t open it.
“I’m having the nurse bring you some medicine. You need to eat something. They aren’t keeping Kiersten so we’re going home soon. I’ll be back for Kel after I get her into the car. I’ll bring him back up here during the day, I just think he needs some rest. Is there anything you need from your house? Besides a change of clothes?”
I shake my head. It hurts less than actually speaking.
“Okay. Call me if you think of anything.”
“Sherry,” I say just as she exits. When I say her name, I realize nothing audible even comes out of my mouth. “Sherry!” I say louder. When I say it, I wince. Why does my head hurt so bad?
She comes back to the door.
“There’s a vase in my cabinet. Above the fridge. I need it.”
She acknowledges what I said with a nod and turns to leave again.
“Kel,” I say, shaking him awake. “I’m going to get something to drink. Do you want anything?”
He nods. “Coffee.”
He must not be a morning person…just like his sister. When I pass the nurses’ station, one of the nurse’s calls my name. I back step and she holds out her hand. “These will help your head,” she says. “Your mother said you needed them.”
I laugh. My mother. I pop the pills into my mouth and swallow them and head to find coffee. The double doors in the lobby open as I pass them, sending a swarm of cold air around me. I stop and look outside, then decide some fresh air might do me some good. I take seat on a bench under the awning. Everything’s so white. The snow is still falling. I wonder how bad our driveways will be by the time we get back home?
I don’t know how it happens; how the thought even creeps its way into my head…but for a second I wonder what would happen to everything in Lake’s house if she dies. She doesn’t have any family to finalize anything for her. To finalize her banks accounts, her bills, her insurance, her possessions. We aren’t related and Kel’s only eleven. Would they even let me do that for her? Would I even legally be allowed? Am I even legally allowed to keep Kel? As soon as the thoughts register in my mind, I force them back. It’s pointless thinking like this, because it isn’t going to happen. I get pissed at myself for letting my mind get carried away, so I head back inside to get the coffee.
***
When I return to the waiting room, Dr. Bradshaw is sitting with Kel. They don’t notice me right away. He's telling Kel a story. Kel's laughing, so I don't interrupt him. It's nice to hear Kel laugh. I stand outside the door and listen.
“Then when my mother told me to go get the box to bury the cat, I told her there was no need. I’d already brought him back to life,” Dr. Bradshaw says. “It was that moment, after I resuscitated that kitten, I knew I wanted to be a doctor when I grew up.”
“So you saved the kitten?” Kel asks him.
Dr. Bradshaw laughs. “No. He died again a few minutes later. But I had already made up my mind by then,” he says.
Kel laughs. “Well, at least you didn’t want to be a veterinarian.”
“No, clearly I’m not cut out for animals.”
“Any news?” I walk into the room and hand Kel his coffee. Dr. Bradshaw stands up.
“We’ve still got her under anesthesia. We were able to run some tests. I’m still waiting on the results, but you can see her for a few minutes.”
“Now? We can see her? Right now?” I’m gathering up my things as I reply.
“Will…I can’t let anyone else in,” he says. He looks down at Kel, then back at me. “She still hasn’t been moved from recovery yet…I’m not even supposed to let you in. But I’m doing some rounds and thought I’d let you walk with me.”
I look at Kel. I want to beg Dr. Bradshaw to let me take Kel with us, but I know he’s already doing me a huge favor. “Kel, if I’m not back before you leave with Sherry, I’ll call you.”
He nods. I expect him to argue about not getting to go with me, but I think he understands. The fact that he’s being so reasonable fills me with a sense of pride. I bend over and hug him and kiss him on top of the head. “I’ll call you. As soon as I hear anything, I’ll call you.” He nods again. I reach over and grab something from my satchel, then turn back toward the door.
I follow Dr. Bradshaw past the nurse’s station, through the doors and down the hall to the double doors that lead to the surgery area. Before we go any further, he takes me into a room where we both wash our hands. When we get to her door, I can barely catch my breath. I’m so nervous. My heart is about to explode through my chest.
“Will…you need to know a few things first. She’s on a ventilator to help her breathe, but only because we’ve got her in a medically-induced coma. There’s no chance of her waking up right now with the amount of medicine we’re giving her. Most of her head is bandaged. She looks worse than she feels…we’re keeping her comfortable. I’ll allow you a few minutes with her, but that’s all I can give you right now. Understand?”
I nod.
He pushes open the door and lets me in.
As soon as I see her, I struggle to breathe. It’s like all of the air is knocked from my lungs when the reality of the moment hits me. The ventilator sucks in a rush of air and releases it again. With each repetitive sound of the machine, it’s like my hope is being pushed out of me.
I walk to her bed and take her hand. It’s cold. I kiss her forehead. I kiss it a million times. I just want to lay down with her, hug her. There are too many wires and tubes and cords running everywhere. I pull the chair up next to the bed and interlock her fingers with mine. It's getting hard to see her through my tears, so I have to wipe my eyes on my shirt. She looks so peaceful…like she's just taking a nap.
“I love you, Lake,” I whisper. I kiss her hand.
“I love you,” I whisper again.
“I love you.”
The covers are pulled tightly around her and she's got a hospital gown on. Her head is wrapped in a bandage but most of her hair is hanging down around her neck. I'm relieved they didn't cut all of her hair. She'd be pissed. The ventilator tube is taped over her mouth, so all I can do is kiss her cheek. I know she can’t hear me, but I talk to her anyway.
“Lake, you have to pull through this. You have to.” I stroke her hand. “I can’t live without you.” I turn her hand over and kiss her palm, then press it against my cheek. The feel of her skin against mine is surreal. For a moment, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever feel it again. I close my eyes and I kiss her palm again and again. I sit there and cry and kiss the only parts of her I can over and over.
“Will,” Dr. Bradshaw says. “We need to go now.”
I stand up and kiss her on the forehead. I take a step back, then take a step forward again and kiss her hand. I take two steps back, then walk two steps toward her again and kiss her cheek.
Dr. Bradshaw takes my arm. “Will, we need to go.”
I turn around and take a few steps toward the door. “Wait,” I say. I put my hand in my pocket. I pull out her purple hair clip and walk back to her bed. I open her hand and place it in her palm and close her fingers over it, then kiss her on the forehead again before we leave.
***
The rest of the morning drags by. Kel left with Sherry. Eddie was discharged. She wanted to stay with me but Gavin and Joel wouldn’t let her. All I can do now is wait. Wait and think. Think and wait. That’s all I can do. That’s all I do.
I wander the halls for a while. I can’t keep sitting in that waiting room. I’ve spent way too much of my life in there….and in this hospital. I was here for six solid days after my parent’s died when I stayed with Caulder. I don’t remember much from those six days. We were both in a daze, not really believing what was happening. Caulder hit his head in the wreck and broke his arm. I’m not sure his injuries were near extensive enough to warrant six days in the hospital, but the staff seemed like they didn’t feel comfortable just letting us go. Two orphans, into the wild.
Caulder was only seven at the time so the hardest part was all the questions he had. I couldn’t get it through to him that we weren’t going to see them again. I think that six day hospital stay is why I hate pity so much. Every single person that spoke to me felt sorry for me, and I could see it in their eyes. I could hear it in their voices.
I was here with Lake for two months off and on when Julia was sick. When Kel and Caulder would stay at my grandparents, Lake and I would stay here with Julia. Lake stayed most nights, in fact. When Kel wasn’t with me, he was here with them. By the end of Julia’s first week here, Lake and I ended up bringing a blow-up mattress. Hospital furniture is the worst. They asked us to remove the mattress from the room a few times. Instead, we would just deflate it every morning and then blow it up again every night. We noticed they weren’t so quick to ask us to remove it when we were asleep on it.
Out of all the nights I’ve spent here, there’s something different about it this time. Something worse. Maybe it’s the absence of finality…the lack of knowledge. At least after my parent’s had died and Caulder was here, I didn’t question anything. I knew they were dead. I knew Caulder was going to be okay. Even with Julia we knew her death was inevitable. We weren’t left with questions while we waited…we knew what was happening. But this time…this time is much harder. It’s so hard not knowing.
***
As soon as I begin to doze off, Dr. Bradshaw walks in. I sit up in my chair, but he takes a seat next to me so I don’t stand.
“We’ve moved her to a room in ICU. You’ll be able to visit her in an hour during visiting hours. The scans look good. We’ll try easing her off the anesthesia over time and see what happens. It’s still touch and go, Will. Anything can happen at this point. Getting her to respond to us is our priority now.”
I can feel the relief wash over me, but a new sense of worry creeps in just as fast. “Does…” It feels like my throat is squeezed shut when I try to speak. I grab my bottle of water off the table in front of me and take a drink, then try again to speak. “Does she have a chance? At recovery?”
He sighs. “I can’t answer that. The brain is the most delicate organ in the body. Right now the scans show normal activity, but that may not mean anything when it comes to trying to wake her up. Then again, it could mean she’ll be perfectly fine. Until that moment, we won’t know.” He stands up. “She’s in room five in ICU. Wait until one o’clock before you head down there.”
I nod. “Thank you.”
As soon as I hear him round the corner, I grab my things and run as fast as I can in the opposite direction to ICU. The nurse doesn't ask any questions when I walk in. I act like I know exactly what I’m doing and head straight to room five.
There aren't as many wires this time. She's still hooked up to the ventilator and she's got an I.V. in her left wrist. I walk around to the right side of her bed and pull the rail down. I climb into the bed with her and wrap my arm around her and lay my leg over her legs. I take her hand in mine and I close my eyes...
***
"Will," Sherry says. I jerk my eyes open and she's standing on the other side of Lake's bed.
I stretch my arms out above my head. "Hey," I whisper.
"I brought you some clothes. And your vase. Kel was still asleep, so I just let him sleep. I hope that's okay. I'll bring him back later when he wakes up."
"Yeah, that's fine. What time is it?"
She looks at her watch. "Almost five," she says. "The nurse said you've been asleep for a couple of hours."
I push my elbow into the bed and lift myself up. My arm is asleep. I slide off the bed and stand up and stretch again.
"You do realize visitors are only allowed fifteen minutes," she says. "They must like you."
I laugh. "I'd like to see them try to kick me out," I say. I walk over to the chair and sit. The worst thing about hospitals is the furniture. The beds are too small for two people. The chairs are too hard for any people. And there’s never a recliner. If they would just have a recliner, I might not detest it so much.
"Have you eaten anything today?" she asks.
I shake my head.
"Come downstairs with me. I'll buy you something to eat."
"I can’t. I don't want to leave her," I say. "They've been reducing her meds. She could wake up."
"Well, you need to eat. I'll grab you something and bring it back up."
"Thanks," I say.
"You should at least take a shower. You've got dried blood all over you. It's gross." She smiles at me and starts to head out the door.
"Sherry. Don't bring me a hamburger, okay?"
She laughs.
After she’s gone, I stand up and walk to the vase. I take out a star and crawl back in the bed with Lake. "This one's for you, Babe." I unfold the star and read it.
"Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."
I roll my eyes. "Jesus, Julia! Now's not the time to be funny!" I reach over and grab another star, then lay back down again.
"Let's try this again, Babe."
"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will."
~Mahatma Gandhi
I lean over and whisper in her ear. "You hear that, Lake? Indomitable will. That's one of the things I love about you."
***
I must have fallen asleep again. The nurse shakes me awake. "Sir, can you step outside for a moment?"
"Is everything okay?" I stand up just when Dr. Bradshaw walks into the room. “Is she okay?” I ask him.
"We're removing the ventilator now. The anesthesia is wearing off so she's not getting anything other than the pain medicine she's getting through her I.V." He walks over to the bed and raises the rail back up. "Just step outside for a few minutes. I promise we'll let you back in," he smiles.
He's smiling. This is good. They're taking her off the ventilator. This is good. He's looking me in the eyes. This is good. I step outside and impatiently wait.
I pace the hallway for fifteen minutes before he emerges from the room. "Her vitals look fine. She's breathing on her own. Now we wait," he says. He pats me on the shoulder and turns to leave.
I go back in the room and crawl back in the bed with her. I put my ear to her mouth and listen to her breathe. It's the most beautiful sound in the world. I kiss her. Of course I kiss her. I kiss her a million times.
***
Sherry made me take a shower when she got back with our food. Gavin and Eddie showed up around six o'clock and stayed for an hour. Eddie cried the whole time so Gavin got worried and made her leave again. Sherry came back with Kel before visiting hours were over. He didn't cry, but I think he was upset seeing her like this, so they didn't stay long. I've been giving my grandmother hourly updates, although nothing has changed.
Now it’s somewhere around midnight and I'm just sitting here. Waiting. Thinking. Waiting and thinking. I keep imagining I see her toe move. Or her finger. It's driving me crazy so I just stop watching. I start thinking about everything that happened Thursday night. Our cars. Where are our cars? I should probably be calling the insurance company. What about school? I missed school today. Or was it yesterday? I don’t even know if it’s Saturday yet. I probably won't be in school next week, either. I should figure out who Lake's professors are and let them know she won't be there. I should probably let my professors know, too. And the elementary. What do I tell them? I don't know when the boys will go back. If Lake is still in the hospital next week, I know Kel won't want to go to school. But he just missed an entire week of school. He can't miss very many more days. And what about Caulder? Where are Kel and Caulder going to stay while Lake and I are here? I'm not leaving this hospital without Lake. I may not even leave with Lake if I don't figure out what to do about a car. My car. Where is my car?
"Will."
I glance to the door. No one's there. Now I'm hearing things. Too many thoughts are jumbled up in my head right now. I wonder if Sherry left me any of her medicine? I bet she did. She probably snuck it in my bag.
"Will."
I jerk up in my seat and look at Lake. Her eyes are closed. She isn't moving. I know I heard my name. I know I did! I rush to her and touch her face. "Lake?"
She flinches. She flinches! "Lake!"
Her lips part and she says it again. "Will?"
She squints her eyes. She's trying to open them. I flick the light switch off, then pull the string to the overhead light until it turns off. I know how much these fluorescent lights hurt.
"Lake," I whisper. I pull the rail down and climb back into the bed with her. I kiss her lips. I kiss her forehead. "Don't try to talk if it hurts. You're okay. I'm right here. You're okay." She moves her hand so I take it in mine. "Can you feel my hand?"
She nods her head. It's not much of a nod, but it's a nod.
"You're okay," I say. I keep saying it over and over until I'm crying. "You're okay."
The door to her room opens and a nurse walks in.
“She said my name!”
She looks up at me, then rushes back out of the room to get Dr. Bradshaw.
"Get up, Will,” he says when he walks into the room. “Let us run some tests. We'll let you back in soon."
"She said my name," I say as I slide off the bed. "She said my name!"
He smiles at me. "Go outside."
And so I do. For over half an hour. No one has left the room and no one has entered and it's been half a freakin' hour. I knock on the door and the nurse cracks it open. I try to peek past her but she doesn't open the door far enough. "Just a few more minutes," she says.
I contemplate calling everyone but I don't. I just need to make sure I wasn't hearing things, but I know she heard me. She spoke to me. She moved.
Dr. Bradshaw opens the door and steps outside. The nurses follow him out the door.
"I heard her, right? She's okay? She said my name!"
"Calm down, Will. You need to calm down. They won't let you stay in here if you keep freaking out like this."
Calm down? He has no idea just how calm I'm being!
"She's responding," he says. "Her physical responses were all good. She doesn't remember what happened. She may not remember a lot of stuff right away. She needs rest, Will. I'll let you back inside, but you'll need to let her rest."
"Okay, I will. I promise. I swear."
"I know. Now go," he says.
When I open the door, she's facing me. She smiles a really pathetic, painful-looking smile.
"Hey," I whisper. I walk to her bed and stroke her cheek.
"Hey," she whispers back.
"Hey."
“Hey,” she says again.
“Hey.”
"Stop it," she says. She tries to laugh but it hurts her. She closes her eyes.
I pull down the rail and crawl back into the bed with her. I take her hand in mine and I bury my face in the crevice between her shoulder and her neck…and I cry.
***
For the next few hours she goes in and out of consciousness, just like Dr. Bradshaw said she would. Every time she wakes up she says my name. Every time she says my name I tell her to close her eyes and get some rest. Every time I tell her to close her eyes and get some rest, she does.
Dr. Bradshaw comes in a few times to check on her. They lower the dose in the I.V. one more time so she can stay awake for longer periods. I decide not to call anyone yet. It’s still too early and I don’t want everyone bombarding her right now. I just want her to rest.
It’s almost seven in the morning and I’m walking out of the bathroom when she finally says something besides my name.
“What happened?” she says.
I pull a chair up beside her bed. She’s rolled over onto her left side so I rest my chin on the bedrail and stroke her arm as I face her. “We had a wreck.”
She looks confused, then a look of terror washes over her. “The kids…”
“Everyone’s fine,” I reassure her. “Everyone’s okay.”
She breathes a sigh of relief. “When? What day was it? What day is it?”
“It’s Saturday. It happened Thursday night. What’s the last thing you remember?”
She closes her eyes. I reach up and pull the string to the light above her bed and it flicks off. I don’t know why they keep turning it on. What hospital patient wants a fluorescent light three feet from their head?
“I remember going to the slam, she says. “I remember your poem…but that’s all.. That’s all I can remember.” She opens her eyes again and looks at me. “Did I forgive you?”
I laugh. “Yes, you forgave me. And you love me. A bunch.”
She smiles. “Good.”
“You were hurt, Babe. They had to take you into surgery.”
“I know. The doctor told me that much.”
I stroke her cheek with the back of my hand. “I’ll tell you everything that happened later, okay? Right now you need to rest. I’m going outside to call everyone. Kel’s worried sick. Eddie, too. I’ll be back, okay?”
She nods and closes her eyes again. I lean forward and kiss her on the forehead. “I love you, Lake.” I grab my phone off the table and stand up.
“Again,” she whispers.
“I love you.”
***
Visiting hours are strictly enforced once everyone starts to arrive. They make me wait in the waiting room just like everyone else. Only one person is allowed in at a time. Eddie and Gavin got here first, so Eddie’s with her right now. Kel shows up with Sherry about the same time my grandparent’s show up with Caulder.
“Can I go see her?” Kel asks.
“Absolutely. She keeps asking for you. Eddie’s with her right now. It’s ICU so she can only have visitors for fifteen minutes but you're next.”
“So she’s talking? She’s okay? She remembers me?”
“Yeah. She’s perfect,” I say.
Grandpaul walks over to Kel and puts his hand on his shoulder. "Come on Grandkel, we'll get you some breakfast before you go see her."
My grandparent’s take Kel and Caulder to the cafeteria. I tell them to bring me something back…I finally have an appetite now.
“Do you need me and Eddie to stay at your house with the boys for a few days?” Gavin asks.
“No. Not right now, anyway. My grandparents are keeping them for a couple of days. I don’t want them to miss a lot of school, though.”
“They can stay with me,” Sherry says. “I’m sending Kiersten back to school on Wednesday. If your grandparents have them home Tuesday they can stay with me until they discharge Layken.”
“Thanks, guys,” I say to both of them.
Eddie walks around the corner. She’s wiping at her eyes and sniffing. I sit up in my chair and Gavin stands up and grabs Eddie's arm and guides her to a seat. She looks up at him and rolls her eyes. "Gavin, I'm four months pregnant…quit treating me like I'm an invalid."
Once she’s seated, Gavin takes the seat next to her. "I’m sorry, Babe. I just worry about you." He leans forward and kisses her stomach. "Both of you."
Eddie smiles and kisses him on the cheek.
It's good to see he's accepted his new role as a Dad. I know they've got a lot of hurdles ahead of them, but I have faith that they'll make it. I guess Lake and I could start recycling all the stars we open for them, just in case they need them.
“How’s Lake feeling?” I ask.
Eddie shrugs. “Like shit,” she says. “But she did just have her head cut open, so that’s understandable. I told her all about the wreck. She felt kind of bad once she found out she was the one driving. I told her it wasn’t her fault, but she still said she wishes you were driving. That way she could blame her injuries on you.”
I laugh. “She can blame them on me anyway if it makes her feel better.”
“We’re coming back this afternoon,” Eddie says as she stands up and grabs Gavin’s hand. “She really needs some TLC in the makeup department. Is two o’clock okay? Does anyone have that time slot yet?”
I shake my head. “See you guys at two.”
Before they leave, Eddie walks over and gives me a hug. An unusually long hug.
After her and Gavin walk out, I look down at my watch. Kel will see her next, then Sherry. My grandmother may want to go see her. I guess I’ll have to wait until after lunch before they’ll let me back in.
“You’ve got great friends,” Sherry says.
I raise my eyebrows at her. “You don’t think they’re weird? Most people think my friends are weird.”
“Yeah, I do. That’s why they’re great,” she says.
I smile and scoot down in my seat until my head is resting against the back of the chair and I close my eyes. “You’re pretty weird yourself, Sherry.”
She laughs. “You, too.”
I can’t get comfortable in the chair, so I resort to lying in the floor again. I stretch my arms out above my head and sigh. The floor is actually starting to feel comfortable. Now that I know Lake’s okay, I’m starting not to despise this hospital as much.
“Will?” Sherry says.
I open my eyes and look at her. She’s not looking at me, though. She’s got her legs crossed in the chair and she’s picking at the seam of her jeans.
“What’s up?” I reply.
She looks at me and smiles. “You did a great job,” she says quietly. “I know it was hard calling me about Kiersten. And taking care of the boys during all of this. How you’ve handled everything with Layken. You’re too young to have so much responsibility, but you’re doing a good job. I hope you know that. Your mom and dad would be proud.”
I close my eyes and inhale. I didn’t know how much I needed to hear that until this very second. Sometimes it feels good to have your biggest fears discounted with a simple compliment. “Thank you.”
She gets out of the chair and lies down next to me in the floor. I look over at her and her eyes are closed, but it looks like she’s trying not to cry. I look away and don’t draw attention to it. Sometimes women just need to cry.
We’re quiet for a little while. She blows out a deep breath, like she's trying to choke back tears. “He was killed a year later. A year after he proposed. In a car wreck,” she says.
I realize she’s telling me the story about Jim. I roll over and face her, resting my head on my elbow. I don't really know what to say, so I don't say anything.
“I'm okay,” she says. She looks at me and smiles. This time it seems like she's trying not to pity herself. “It’s been a long time. I love my family and wouldn’t trade them for the world. But sometimes it’s still hard. Times like these…”
She pulls herself up and sits Indian style in the floor. She begins to pick at the seam of her pants again. “I was so scared for you, Will. I was scared she wouldn’t make it. Seeing you go through that was hard for me and it brought back a lot of memories. That’s why I haven’t been up here very much.”
I understand the expression in her eyes, and the heartache in her voice. I understand it, and I hate it for her. “It’s okay,” I say. “I didn’t expect you to stay. You had Kiersten to worry about.”
“I know you didn't expect me to stay. I wouldn't have even been any help. But I worry about you. I worry about all of you. Kel, Caulder, you, Layken. Now I even like your damn weird friends and I’m gonna have to worry about them, too,” she laughs.
I smile at her. “It’s nice to be worried about, Sherry. Thank you.”
Sunday, January 29th, 2012.
I’ve learned something about my heart.
It can break.
It can be ripped apart.
It can harden and freeze.
It can stop. Completely.
It can shatter into a million pieces.
It can explode.
It can die.
The only thing that made it start beating again?
The moment you opened your eyes.