I thought about getting up there, what I could say about my best friend, the stories I could tell. I could talk about how we’d met at a Little League tryout when we were eight, not that long after I’d moved to Libertyville. Neither of us had wanted to be there; Hayden was short and chubby even then, and to say I was uncoordinated was a pretty serious understatement. We both missed every pitch, dropped every ball thrown to us from even the shortest distance, and finally we’d run away from the field, pooling our change to buy one of those orange Dreamsicle pops from the ice-cream truck. Our parents had been furious, but we didn’t care.
I could talk about waiting in line to get into the new Star Wars movie when we were twelve, not realizing how crappy it was going to be, how we’d spent months trying to decide what costumes we’d wear, ditching the obvious—C3P0 for me, R2D2 for him—in exchange for Boba Fett and Darth Vader, because they were more badass. I could talk about how Ryan and his buddies had followed us and egged our costumes and we’d had to sit through the endless movie feeling the eggs drying on our costumes and our skin, but we’d still had a good time.
I could talk about how excited we’d been to start high school last year, the first time we’d be at the same school, how convinced we’d been that once we were together things would be better. We couldn’t have known how wrong that would turn out to be.
But what would be the point of saying any of those things? Everyone might pretend to care now, but it was too late.
And then I saw the line. People were getting up to speak, standing in a row to the side of the altar. Hayden’s aunts and cousins, teachers, friends of the family. Kids from school. Ryan, on his own, without his usual buddies, Jason Yoder and Trevor Floyd. We’d called them the bully trifecta.
It shouldn’t have been shocking to me, to see who’d decided they had something to say at Hayden’s funeral. They were all starved for attention, and there wasn’t a chance they’d miss the opportunity to grab the spotlight, no matter what the occasion. But seriously, at a funeral? Were they really going to get up there and say nice things about Hayden, talk about how much they’d miss him, what a loss it would be for the school, the community? Did they have no sense of how much they’d contributed to the fact that we were all here in the first place?
There was no way I could let this happen. All the anger I’d been feeling, the urge to find someone responsible and hit them as hard as I could, boiled in me. I walked up to Ryan and tapped him on the shoulder while one of Hayden’s cousins was tearfully recounting some story about last Thanksgiving, the last time the whole family had been together. Ryan frowned when he saw it was me. I was just about to say something when Jason Yoder stepped in between us. I hadn’t realized he was so close.
“You really think now’s the time?” he asked.
I moved to the right to get around him, only to be blocked again by Trevor Floyd.
“Let me by,” I said. I wasn’t scared of them. Not now.
“I don’t think so,” Jason said.
He was the only one of the three who wasn’t an athlete, and I was taller than he was. I pushed him aside to get to Ryan. It wasn’t like Trevor was going to deck me at a funeral.
“What are you doing?” I asked. “You’re really going to get up there and talk about what a great brother you were? When everyone here knows the truth? You were at that party just like me. You could have stopped things. You should have protected him, not made everything worse.”
Ryan opened his mouth, but before he could get the words out Jason shoved me so hard I banged into one of the pews. I saw people looking at us even as I tried—and failed—to keep from falling down.
“You’re really going to go after Ryan at his brother’s funeral?” Jason hissed. I’d underestimated his strength; I’d been more worried about the enormous Trevor, who was six and a half feet tall with the thick neck I’d learned was common to steroid users—kids at school called him Roid Floyd, but only behind his back. He wasn’t someone I was looking to get into a fight with. Especially not here.
I stood up as carefully as I could. My arms would be covered in bruises tomorrow, but I wasn’t about to let the bully trifecta see me fall down. “You’re a fucking hypocrite,” I said to Ryan. “And someday you’ll get what’s coming to you.”
Ryan didn’t say anything, just stared at me for a minute. Then he moved forward in line. It was almost his turn to speak.
I couldn’t watch this. I couldn’t wait for Rachel to find us a ride. I had to leave. Now.