The page slips from my fingers and floats down to land soundlessly in the box. I kick the box once, sending it sliding across the floor. And then I fall back onto the mattress, a wave of bitterness coursing through my veins.
I don’t know if Sasha ever lied to me in the fourteen years in between, but I know he lied to me again three months ago, when he said he was fine to drive. When he held his hand out. I trusted him and he lied.
And they both sure as hell left me behind.
There’s a loud knock against the front door. I contemplate not answering it, but it’s probably Rich. At least I hope it’s Rich. As much as I’m not ready for him, I’m definitely not ready to deal with any surprise guests.
The sight of him standing on my doorstep knocks the air out of my lungs.
“Hey.” He bites his bottom lip as he holds out a hand, as if he’s as uneasy about this reunion as I am.
When I offer him my right hand, he shakes it for one, two, three seconds, before I see a decision flicker through his eyes and he pulls me into him in a hug. “Good to see you again, man,” he says, his voice suddenly husky.
I swallow against the flood of emotions that hits me and simply nod, backing up to give him some room.
He doesn’t enter, though, his gaze drifting down the long hall. He came here with Derek before. It must be weird for him too. “How about we grab that drink? Looks like a happening Friday night downstairs.”
I grab my keys from the hook by the door and follow him out without a word.
■ ■ ■
It took five pints for Rich to bring the accident up after mindless babble about everything but that night. “I still can’t believe it happened. I had no idea you guys were heading out. If I had known, I would have stopped you. I swear.”
I imagine that’s the standard response anyone would give after hosting a party where a guest leaves drunk and kills five people plus himself. I could answer with, “If I had known Sasha was drunk, I wouldn’t have given him the keys,” but that sounds like an excuse. There are no excuses. So, I simply nod and take another long haul of my beer. I thought I was going to puke on the first one but, after choking it down, the rest have gone down too easy.
“I miss him. We had some good laughs growing up, me and Derek. Even though he was two years younger than me.” Rich’s blue eyes survey the young crowd, I’m guessing mainly students who decided to stay around and take summer classes. I recognize one or two faces but I avoid eye contact. Judging by their frequent glances over, they know who I am. “It sure stirred up a shit storm in our family. It’s been radio silence between my mom and my aunt for months now. She wanted to sue me for hosting the party. Luckily my uncle talked her out of that. I know she’s just angry and hurt. Suing me isn’t going to change anything.”
“Yeah, it’s crazy what people will do when they’re grieving.” Though my parents haven’t said too much, I know that the parents of Billy, Kacey’s boyfriend, are still looking to sue my dad for more money and my dad’s looking to avoid that mess by settling out of court.
He waves down the waitress for another drink as he sets his beer down. “How are Sasha’s parents doing? And your girlfriend?”
“They seem to be moving on. Madison and I are . . . taking a break.” When I saw Madison loading her suitcase in her car, I went out to say goodbye. She crumbled in my arms all over again.
“Shit. How are you with that? With all of this?” I feel his gaze on me as I swish my beer around in my glass.
“You know.” No. He doesn’t. No one does, really.
“Well, I can tell you one thing for sure: it was one hell of a wake-up call for a lot of people around here. The newspapers were all over that story. Hey, what ever happened to that girl? The one who made it out?”
I shift in my seat, suddenly uncomfortable. “She’s alive, the last I heard, but that’s all I know. She won’t let anyone near her.”
“Yeah, that must have fucked her up bad. I saw the pictures of the car.” He clears his throat roughly.
We shift back into idle chatter as a few of Rich’s old friends swing by. Guys I don’t know, who don’t know me, thankfully. They’re football junkies. We talk about the coming NFL season and some dumb trades made by franchises. Nothing important. I mostly sit and listen, not interested in participating but less interested in sitting in my apartment alone. Though I’m beginning to hope that Rich will crash here tonight, seeing as he’s going beer-for-beer with me.
Funny. I never really noticed that kind of thing before.
When the girl that Rich has been seeing shows up with her friend, I give them an obligatory smile and shift over in the booth to make room. By their infectious giggles and the way the girl mauls Rich’s face, I’d say they’ve been enjoying a few drinks somewhere else tonight.
“Hey, I’m Monika.” Sparkly-painted nails catch my eye as she holds out her hand. “Cole.”
She bats her lashes as she tests my name out on her tongue. “Cole . . . I like that name.”
That makes one of us.
“Do you go to school here?”
“Does he go to school here? Don’t you know this is Cole Reynolds, tight end for the Spartans?” Rich bellows, his girlfriend now perched on his lap.
Not anymore. “Shut it.” I manage a half-smile as I toss a coaster at him. But I’m also holding my breath, waiting for this girl to recognize my name, to bring the accident up.
After a few long seconds, when she does nothing but giggle, I release it and let my body melt back into the bench. Maybe this is all I need. A few pints, a night out with a friend, some laughs. Maybe this will be the night that kick-starts my new life without my best friends.
■ ■ ■
What the fuck have I done?
I was drunk, but I remember every step that led to having this blond lying in my bed, tangled up in my sheets, leaving me buck naked and stretched out next to her. It wasn’t because I thought she was particularly attractive. I just didn’t want to be alone and she was convenient.
And more than willing.
I don’t think I was even nice to her. What the hell is her name?
I stare out the window at the overcast sky, trying to dull the pounding ache between my eyes with thoughts of a red-haired girl. Wondering how she is.
Wondering if she feels like I do right now, like she’ll never be free of that night. She must feel it. She’s the only one who possibly could.
Maybe it’s time I found out.
Chapter 7
As big as Grand Rapids is—almost twice the size of Lansing—I’ve never had any reason to visit the city before. As I face her door, a bunch of flowers gripped within my sweaty, shaking hands, I acknowledge that I still have no valid reason.
It wasn’t that hard to find Kacey Cleary. It took visits to two hospitals and several inquiries, but finally I got a room number. I’m not sure what that says about our privacy laws, but right now I’m thankful for the nurse who doesn’t seem to respect them.
With cautious steps, I close the distance, the taste of bile sitting in the back of my throat. I never used to hate hospitals. Now, that sterile smell overwhelms me, and each gurney that rolls by causes my back to tense.
I’m ready to turn around and run. What am I going to see behind that glass? Three months later, she’s still here. Can she even get up? Is her body trapped in casting and a Frankenstein metal contraption?
Whatever athletic figure she had pre-accident must have wasted away by now. Is she a pile of skin and bones? Enough muscle to simply function and nothing more?
And that pretty face of hers . . . is she disfigured now?
I’m ten feet away and I can’t will myself closer to the deeper, harsher stage of reality that I have yet to face. What will I even say?
Hi, I’m Cole. I was the guy who couldn’t just not drink for a night, who didn’t uphold his end of the deal to drive his friends home.
Hi, I’m the dumb ass who handed the driver his keys, enabling him to kill your loved ones.