“I’ll never forgive him.”
“For what? Playing in a club he started in? He was on a nostalgia kick, and you and your fiancé got caught in the crossfire. He didn’t do anything wrong. He’s just not willing to waste his life in denial.”
“Like I am?” I snapped, taking another heavy hit.
“You want me to hold your hand and lie to you?”
I shrugged. “No.”
She eyed me as she licked her finger and rubbed it on the side of the joint to keep it from running. “Then here’s the way I see it. You love them both. You would’ve been happy with either one. Maybe if tonight hadn’t happened, you and Nate would have had a happy marriage. But it did, so now you have to figure shit out without the two of them. Love has its place and you’ve put yourself on pause long enough. It’s time to get off your ass and do Stella.”
“You never liked Nate for me,” I accused, grappling for anything residual of my own version of the truth.
“Bullshit. He was a beautiful person and good to you. There was nothing not to like.”
“Jesus, I feel so ripped,” I said as I looked down at my ring and saw Nate on his knees, his rehearsed words, our matching smiles and tears, the look in his eyes when for a split second he wasn’t sure of the answer I gave.
“There’s something about Reid you’ll never let go of, and it’s not for nothing, Stella. He’s changed his whole life to make a place for you in it.”
“He had no right to come back like that.”
“He had every right. He worked his ass off to deserve you, and you deserved to know he loved you as much.”
“And you knew this?” I said, staring her down.
“Not really, not until you told me what he said tonight. And it was only then I remembered Ben would say something from time to time that stuck with me.”
“Like?”
She sighed. “Not necessarily about you . . .just how he would duck out after shows and go back to the hotel instead of parties. How they had to reschedule some things so Reid could get his head straight. He’s been fighting his demons for a long time, for himself and for you.”
The look on Reid’s face crippled me from more anger. I wanted so much to go to him. Guilt struck hard then as I sat in Nate’s bed, our bed, trying to make sense of it all. “God, Lexi, you should have seen him on that stage. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”
“I believe you.”
“All this time, he’s felt that about me. I don’t know why he held on. I gave him every reason not to.”
She eyed me carefully. “Because he knew he hurt you. He knew you weren’t being honest. Just like Nate did. It’s okay that you love them both because you truly do love them both.”
“Well, excuse me if I disagree with you. I hate myself for it. I don’t know what to do.”
“What do you want to do?”
“I want tonight to have never happened,” I said as I shuddered with a sob. “I want my life back.”
“Then take it.”
“He’s done with me Lexi, he was so h-h-hurt.” I hiccupped.
“Don’t think about Reid or Nate. Think about Stella. What does she want for herself?”
I pushed my hair away from my face and bit my lip.
“It’s me,” she pushed gently. “Say it.”
“I want my career. I want to make my podcast successful. I want to be taken seriously. I want to be the Barbara Walters of the music world.”
“Then that’s what you do,” she said simply. “For the next year, you concentrate on Stella.”
“Is that what you did?”
“Damn right it’s what I did,” she said as she lay on her pillow next to mine. “Living for a man is the quickest way to get lost. And the reality of coming up empty-handed when it doesn’t work out. Fuck that. It’s a nightmare. I learned my lesson. There’s a time for everything. I lost my damn mind over Ben.”
“Lexi,” I said softly.
“He came to see me last night,” she said staring up at the ceiling.
Normally Lexi would have called and told me right away. It would have been huge news. She hadn’t so much as texted me. Maybe she really was okay. Maybe she’d found the strength in herself to not let her emotions rule her. The way I mistakenly thought avoiding mine would work for me.
“What did he say?”
She shrugged. “Later, this isn’t about Ben and me.” She turned to me. “I still love that asshole. But every day I live for me and that’s the best decision I’ve ever made. We’re supposed to be smarter than this, Stella.”
“We fucked that up really quick, all our plans. We lived together for ten minutes.”
“We never got our chance,” she reminded me.
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too, but I wouldn’t trade my time with him for anything, would you?”
“No, not with either of them,” I said honestly. “Even though the avalanche started because I just had to know what it was like to kiss Reid Crowne.”
“You could have missed it,” she reminded me. “And then where would you both be?”
“So what?” I sniffed. “I just accept Nate’s decision and move on?”
“No, he was angry, hurt, out of his mind jealous. I don’t think he’s really made his decision yet. And it’s your choice to wait him out. We’re just getting started, Stella.” she said with a sly smile. “It’s not too late.”
Reid’s same sentiments echoed.
“Come on. Let’s give Nate his space to realize what a jealous idiot he’s being. Come stay with me.”
“Lexi,” I said as I looked around our bedroom full of memories. “I messed up by letting go of his hand. I didn’t even realize I’d let go, didn’t even think about him.” I cringed. “All I could see, feel, was Reid.”
She pulled me to stand. “You’ve been fighting your feelings for Reid for so long. Maybe it was just your way of finally admitting it, giving yourself permission to love them both. But you won’t be good for either of them if you don’t realize what you want and make it happen. And the only way to do that is to take you out of both equations. Let it be.”
“I can’t believe this is happening,” I said, staring at the picture on the floor. Nate’s smile was covered in shards of broken glass.
I picked it up and emptied them on the dresser, and turned it over to see that the picture was ruined.
“I chose him,” I said, staring at the black and white photo.
“Because he’s who you truly wanted or because you didn’t know what life with Reid would be like and you were too chicken shit to find out?”
I could never forget the way I felt when Reid sang for me. When he bared his soul in a room full of people without knowing I was watching. Had he always been that transparent with his feelings for me? Looking back, it was clear.
Yes, he had. And I had punished him.
They were both right.
Colorful
The Verve Pipe
Five Months Later
I walked through the double doors of the bakery with a few shopping bags in my hand. I had woken up early to get a jump on the heat. I had absolutely no patience for Texas’s scorching temperatures in the month of July, or any other month for that matter. My phone buzzed, and I smiled at the screen before I answered.
“Woman, that man called again,” Lexi said.
“What man?” I asked as I approached the counter.
“The one about the job,” she said carefully. “I almost told him you died.”
I laughed. “Don’t do that.”
“Don’t move out,” she pleaded.
“You’re never there,” I said loudly, as the lady at the counter with resting bitch face asked if she could help me. Stepping aside, I held my hand up as the door rang behind me.
“Lexi, we’ve been over this.” I sighed. “And you’re the one who told me to do me. This is me doing me.”
“Fine,” she sighed. “Your fancy master’s degree came in the mail this morning. I framed it in Hello Kitty.”
I laughed as she cooed over the phone. “I’m so proud of you.”
“I couldn’t have done it without you,” I said sincerely.
“Yeah, well, someone had to take the donut box away, turn off the sappy movies, and get you to school. What are you doing?”
I ducked under the weight of that question. “Nothing.”