Beautiful World, Where Are You

Simon looked around at him, as if the question was surprising, and answered: Oh God, no. Not at all. Not that I think my mother is obsessed with status, by the way. I’m sure she would have liked to have had a son who was a doctor, but I don’t think she’s disappointed in me for not wanting that. Felix passed him the joint and he accepted it.

We don’t really have serious conversations, he added. You know, she doesn’t like things to get serious, she just wants everyone to get along. I think in a way she finds me intimidating. Which makes me feel awful. He took a short drag and, after exhaling, added: Whenever I think about my parents I feel guilty. I was just the wrong son for them, it wasn’t their fault.

But it wasn’t your fault either, said Alice.

Intently Eileen was watching this exchange, her jaw held tight, still half-smiling.

What about you, Eileen? said Felix. You get along okay with your parents?

The question seemed to surprise her. Oh, she said. Then, after a pause: They’re not bad.

I have an insane sister who they’re both afraid of. And she made my life hell when we were kids. But otherwise they’re okay.

The sister who got married, said Felix.

Yeah, that’s the one, she said. Lola. She’s not really evil, she’s just chaotic. And maybe a bit evil, sometimes. She was really popular in school and I was a loser. I mean, I literally had not one friend. Looking back, I think it’s lucky I didn’t kill myself, because I used to think about it constantly. Around the age of fourteen, fifteen. I tried talking to

my mother, but she said there was nothing wrong with me and I was just being dramatic. Here she hesitated, looking down at the bare surface of the table. Then she went on: Really I think I would have done it, but when I was fifteen, I met someone who wanted to be friends with me. And he saved my life.

Quietly Simon said: If that’s true, I’m glad.

Felix sat up then, surprised. What? he said. Was it you?

Eileen was smiling more naturally now, still a little pale and drawn, but enjoying the rehearsal of a familiar story. You know we were neighbours growing up, she said. And when Simon was home from college one summer, he came to help my dad out on the farm. I don’t know why. I suppose your parents told you to.

In a low humorous voice, Simon said: No, I think at the time I’d just finished reading Anna Karenina. And I wanted to go and work on a farm so I could be like Levin. You know he has these profound experiences while he’s cutting grass with a sickle or something, and it makes him believe in God. I don’t really remember the details now, but that was my general idea.

Eileen was laughing, moving her hair around with her hands. Did you really come to work for Pat because you thought it would be like Anna Karenina? she said. I never knew that. I suppose if you were Levin, we were the muzhiks. Addressing the others again, she went on: Anyway, that’s how Simon and I became friends. I was one of the little peasant girls who lived near his family’s estate. Indulgently Simon murmured: I wouldn’t put it quite like that. Eileen dismissed this intervention with a flapping gesture of her hand. And our parents know each other, obviously, she said. My mother actually

has an inferiority complex about Simon’s mother. Every year on Christmas Eve, Simon and his parents come over for a drink and we have to scrub the entire house from top to bottom before they arrive. And we put special towels in the bathroom. You know that kind of way.

Smoking again now, leaning back against the wall, Felix said: And what do they think of Alice?

Eileen looked at him. Who, my parents? she asked. He nodded. Yeah, she said. They’ve met a couple of times. They don’t know each other really well or anything.

With a smile Alice said: They disapprove of me.

Felix laughed. Do they really? he asked.

Eileen was shaking her head. No, she said. They don’t disapprove. They just don’t know you very well.

They never liked us living together in college, Alice went on. They wanted Eileen to make friends with nice middle-class girls.

Eileen let out a breath with a raw kind of laughing sound. To Felix, she said: I think they found Alice’s personality a bit challenging.

And now that I’m successful, they resent me, Alice added.

I don’t know where you get that from, said Eileen.

Well, they didn’t like you visiting me in hospital. Did they?

Eileen was shaking her head again, pulling at her earlobe distractedly. That had nothing to do with you being successful, she said.

What did it have to do with? Alice asked.

Felix seemed to have forgotten he was smoking, and let the joint go out between his fingers. Looking up at him, Eileen said: You see, when Alice moved back from New York, she didn’t tell me she was coming home. I was sending her all these emails and messages, hearing nothing back for weeks, and getting really worried and panicky that something had happened to her. And the whole time she was living five minutes away from my apartment. Pointing at Simon, she went on: He knew. I was the only one who didn’t know. And she told him not to tell me, so he had to put up with me complaining to him that I hadn’t heard from her, and all the time he knew she was living on fucking Clanbrassil Street.

In a restrained voice Alice said: Obviously it wasn’t a great time for me.

Eileen was nodding her head, with the same bright effortful smile. Yeah, she said. Not a great time for me either, because my partner of like three years had just left me, and I had nowhere to live. And my best friend wasn’t speaking to me, and my other best friend was acting really weird because he wasn’t allowed to tell me anything.

Eileen, said Alice calmly, with all due respect, I was having a psychiatric breakdown.

Yes, I know. I remember, because when you were admitted to hospital, I was there pretty much every day.

Alice said nothing.

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