She clambered up to her feet on the hay bale, looming over me.
“That day Nate took me out for ice cream, I asked him for advice. Like, marriage advice. And he said to be honest about everything, what you feel and what happens. He said little secrets are like water, but if water gets into a rock and freezes, it can break the rock.”
I tilted my head. Thank God, Hannah had a speech, because I was speechless.
“And honesty starts with communication,” she said. “I need you to get that I am okay with us adopting the … guy. The baby.” She pounded her fist into her palm. She was beginning to unravel, blinking rapidly and sniffling. “That was never the problem, once I sat down and thought about it. The problem—” Her voice quavered pitifully.
God, what had I done to this girl?
I hugged her legs, pressing my face into her jeans.
“The problem is that you made me feel like you didn’t care what I wanted. And I have been waiting”—another weak fist-palm slap—“waiting for you to show me that you care. And you’re stubborn and you won’t ask what I want. And all I can think is that…” She hiccuped. “That you can’t choose between the two loves, and you know that I would never walk away from you because I love you, you arrogant asshole. The way I love you…”
Hannah was right, of course. She always was. And she was the better person in our romance, always, in all ways. She was stronger, truer, and steadier. She was the making of me.
I dragged her off the hay bale and hauled her over my shoulder.
I carried her into the house like that.
In the great room, in the dark, I pressed her against the wall.
“Here,” I said, “now, always like it’s the last time.”
We moved from the wall to the couch and from the couch to the floor.
“Breathe,” she said as I moved against her. She lay under me, on the rug in front of the fireplace, and I was inside her. “Breathe…”
Excitement practically closed my throat. I shuddered and slowed, gulping air.
It was good to be like that—so exposed to her, excited and desperate—and good to see her undressed and blushing, so exposed to me.
When I became frantic again, pushing us both to the edge, she grasped my thigh and back and let me feel the bite of her nails.
This happiness, I thought. Here, now, always.
This happiness, no matter the cost.
Chapter 35
HANNAH
“He wanted me to give you this.” Chrissy tapped a cream-colored envelope against my arm. I took it and she slipped out of the room.
The envelope contained two folded pages. I shook them open.
October 18, 2014
Dear Little Bird,
You may be south of the border right now, having finally decided that I’m insane. In that case, I can’t blame you, and I salute your sister for delivering my note.
However, I hope you are up in our room, wearing a gown I am about to see. I already know you look beautiful. That is a certainty and not praise. I have been the beneficiary of your goodness and beauty for quite a while now.
Tonight, when you walk down the aisle and our eyes meet, only you and I will know all that has passed between us. That is the way it should be. This love is thickly plaited. And you know I am a little sad (are you laughing?)—of course, I have to be sad. I have written two full novels about you, and now I understand that no novel will hold you.
My heart can barely hold you. All that I feel for you.
Here’s to you, Hannah, and our life together—my greatest happiness. Let me carry you to bed. Let me bathe you and make love to you. Let me fuck you (you know how I like it) and let me know you. Let’s fight and make up. Let’s be together in triumph and failure, here and abroad, as a family of two and a family of three. I want to do the good days with you and also the bad. Let me show you with my whole life how I love you.
I’m steady behind you.
Love, now and always,
Matt
I read the letter twice, though it threatened to ruin the makeup my sister had carefully applied. My greatest happiness … now and always.
I blushed and hid the envelope in our bedside table.
Let me fuck you (you know how I like it).
Oh, yes, I do, Mr. Sky.
Thank God, Matt had issued that toast on paper, in private, and not at the reception. One never knew, what with his exhibitionistic flair …
I giggled and spun, my gown whispering over the floorboards.
“All good in there?” Chrissy called through the door.
“Yeah. Come in. I need some touch-up.”
“Did that asshole make you cry?” She bustled in, one hand hoisting her long maroon dress. The color suited her, and the empire waist and flowing skirt sort of hid her bump, not that I cared. The baby belonged at this wedding as much as Matt and I, and Chrissy was my maid of honor. “God, I feel frumpy.” She steered me to the vanity and dabbed at my eye makeup.
“You look beautiful,” I said.
“No way. You’re the beauty tonight, Han.”
My fingers twisted on my lap. I’d chosen a simple gown—airy tulle covered with petal shapes, a glass bead on each, which faded from white to a subtle blush at the train. Jamie, our neighbor from the Denver condo and my only bridesmaid, had styled my hair in a loose braid. A Sakura halo and Dalloway Earrings from BHLDN completed the look.
Fresh. Light. Simple.
I smiled at my reflection. A simple girl. Just what you wanted, Matt.
“Are you sure you won’t be cold?” Chrissy rubbed my bare upper arms. My gown was, admittedly, springlike.
“Positive. I’m kind of burning up, honestly.”
Jamie peeked into the room. She squealed and almost dropped my bouquet, white orchids and calla lilies, the first flowers Matt gave me.
“Hannah, you look amazing! Your father is out here … whenever you’re ready.”
“She’s ready,” Chrissy said. I stood and she hip-checked me. “Ready as you’ll ever be, right? See you at ‘the altar.’” She made ridiculous air quotes around “the altar.”