Who wouldn’t be?
‘But it won’t work out,’ I finished. There, it was out.
Ren looked confused. ‘Why not?’
‘Because I’m too attracted to you.’
‘I don’t understand what you’re saying. How can your being attracted to me be a problem? I would think that’s a good thing.’
‘For normal people . . . it is,’ I stated.
‘So I’m not normal?’
‘No. Let me explain it this way. It’s like this . . . a starving man would gladly eat a radish, right? In fact, a radish would be a feast if that’s all he had. But if he had a buffet in front of him, the radish would never be chosen.’
Ren paused a moment. ‘I don’t get it. What are you saying?’
‘I’m saying . . . I’m the radish.’
‘And what am I? The buffet?’
I tried to explain it further. ‘No . . . you’re the man. Now . . . I don’t really want to be the radish. I mean, who does? But I’m grounded enough to know what I am, and I am not a buffet. I mean, you could be having chocolate éclairs, for heaven’s sake.’
‘But not radishes.’
‘No.’
‘What . . .’ Ren paused thoughtfully, ‘if I like radishes?’
‘You don’t. You don’t know any better. I’m also really sorry that I’ve been so rude to you. I’m not normally. I don’t know where all the sarcasm comes from.’
Ren raised an eyebrow.
‘Okay. I have a cynical, evil side that is normally hidden. But when I’m under great stress or extremely desperate, it comes out.’
He set down my foot, picked up the other one, and began massaging it with his thumbs. He didn’t say anything, so I continued, ‘Being cold-hearted and nasty was the only thing I could do to push you away. It was kind of a defense mechanism.’
‘So you admit you were trying to push me away.’
‘Yes. of course.’
‘And it’s because you’re a radish.’
Frustrated, I said, ‘Yes! Now that you’re a man again, you’ll find someone better for you, someone who complements you. It’s not your fault. I mean, you’ve been a tiger so long that you just don’t know how the world works.’
‘Right. And how does the world work, Kelsey?’
I could hear the frustration in his voice but pressed on. ‘Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but you could be going out with some supermodel-turned-actress. Haven’t you been paying attention?’
Angrily, he shouted, ‘Oh, yes, indeed I am paying attention! What you are saying is that I should be a stuck-up, rich, shallow, libertine who cares only about wealth, power, and bettering my status. That I should date superficial, fickle, pretentious, brainless women who care more about my connections than they do about me. And that I am not wise enough, or up-to-date enough, to know who I want or what I want in life! Does that about sum it up?’
I squeaked out a small, ‘Yes.’
‘You truly feel this way?’
I flinched. ‘Yes.’Ren leaned forward. ‘Well, you’re wrong, Kelsey. Wrong about yourself and wrong about me!’
He was livid. I shifted uncomfortably while he went on.
‘I know what I want. I’m not operating under any delusions. I’ve studied people from a cage for centuries, and that’s given me ample time to figure out my priorities. From the first moment I saw you, the first time I heard your voice, I knew you were different. You were special. The first time you reached your hand into my cage and touched me, you made me feel alive in a way I’ve never felt before.’
‘Maybe it’s all just a part of the curse. Did you ever think of that? Maybe these aren’t your true feelings. Maybe you sensed that I was the one to help you, and you’ve somehow misinterpreted your emotions.’
‘I highly doubt it. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, even before the curse.’
This was not going the way I wanted it to. I felt a desperate need to escape before I said something that would screw up my plans. Ren was the dark side, the forbidden fruit, my personal Delilah – the ultimate temptation. The question was . . . could I resist?
I gave his knee a friendly pat and played my trump card . . . ‘I’m leaving.’
‘You’re what?’
‘I’m going home to Oregon. Mr. Kadam thinks it will be safer for me anyway, with Lokesh out there looking to kill us and all. Besides, you need time to figure out . . . stuff.’
‘If you’re leaving, then I’m going with you!’
I smiled at him wryly. ‘That kind of defeats the purpose of me leaving. Don’t you think?’
He slicked back his hair, let out a deep breath, then took my hand and looked intently into my eyes. ‘Kells, when are you going to accept the fact that we belong together?’
I felt sick, like I was kicking a faithful puppy who only wanted to be loved. I looked out at the pool.
After a moment, he sat back scowling and said menacingly, ‘I won’t let you leave.’
Inside, I desperately wanted to take his hand and beg him to forgive me, to love me, but I steeled myself, dropped my hands in my lap, then implored, ‘Ren, please. You have to let me go. I need . . . I’m afraid . . . look, I just can’t be here, near you, when you change your mind.’
‘It’s not going to happen.’
‘It might. There’s a good chance.’
He growled angrily. ‘There’s no chance!’
‘Well, my heart can’t take that risk, and I don’t want to put you in what can only be an awkward position. I’m sorry, Ren. I really am. I do want to be your friend, but I understand if you don’t want that. Of course, I’ll return when you need me, if you need me, to help you find the other three gifts. I wouldn’t abandon you or Kishan in that way. I just can’t stay here with you feeing obligated to pity-date me because you need me. But I’d never abandon your cause. I’ll always be there for you both, no matter what.’
He spat out, ‘Pity-date! You? Kelsey, you can’t be serious!’
‘I am. Very, very serious. I’ll ask Mr. Kadam to make arrangements to send me back in the next few days.’
He didn’t say another word. He just sat back in his chair. I could tell he was fuming mad, but I felt that, after a week or two, when he started getting back out in the world, he would come to appreciate my gesture.
I looked away from him. ‘I’m very tired now. I’d like to go to bed.’ I got up and headed to my room. Before I closed the sliding door, I asked, ‘Can I make one last request?’
He sat there tight-lipped, his arms folded over his chest, with a tense, angry face.
I sighed. Even infuriated he was beautiful.
He said nothing so I went on, ‘It would be a lot easier on me if I didn’t see you, I mean as a man. I’ll try to avoid most of the house. It is yours after all, so I’ll stay in my room. If you see Mr. Kadam, please tell him I’d like to speak with him.’
He didn’t respond.
‘Well, good-bye, Ren. Take care of yourself.’ I tore my eyes away from him, shut the door, and drew the curtains.
Take care of yourself? That was a lame good-bye. Tears welled in my eyes and blurred my vision. I was proud that I’d gotten through it without showing emotion. But, now, I felt like a steamroller had come along and flattened me.
I couldn’t breathe. I went into the bathroom and turned on the shower to drown out any sounds. I closed the door, which trapped all the steam inside, and sobbed. Gut-wrenching spasms shook my body. My eyes, nose, and mouth all leaked simultaneously as I allowed myself to feel the empty despair of loss.
I slumped to the floor and then slid down even farther until I was sprawled out on it with my cheek resting on the cool marble. I let my emotions overtake me until I was completely spent. My limbs felt lifeless and dull, and my hair frizzed up and stuck to the wet tears on my face.