The Science of Discworld IV Judgement Da

SEVEN



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AMAZING GLOBE





Miss Marjorie looked so uncertain that Ridcully helped her out.

‘Well, here in Unseen University we take the view that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology. However, as I understand it, you seldom need to say a mantra to get some engine to work … though I rather suspect that some people do.’

Despite everything, Marjorie was finding this weird looking-glass world rather amusing and bemusing at the same time, and as a good librarian she noted the fact, and wondered if there could be a ‘cemusing’ when you couldn’t believe your eyes. She said, ‘As a matter of fact, Archchancellor, I used to have a very old Morris Minor, bequeathed to me by my father, who had polished it every Sunday, religiously, and berated it in Latin if it went wrong. I still have the vehicle, and I myself have found that it can sometimes be persuaded to start by singing to it a few verses from Hymns Ancient and Modern; a few bars of “All Things Bright and Beautiful” often does the trick, even on frosty mornings. My father was a vicar, and I think he truly thought that you could find a semblance of life in the most unlikely things.’

‘Ah yes; the quasi-pagan God of the English, who like their psalms to be full of references to nature, living creatures and growing things – a god of the green and the green-fingered. We have studied your world quite considerably – I told you this – but perhaps I left out one or two significant facts?’ A thoughtful look appeared on his face. ‘I think, madam, that it is time for me to show you your world as it seems to us. Please be so kind as to follow me; I think you will find the experience … enlightening.’

It seemed to Marjorie Daw that this so-called Unseen University was huge and sprawling everywhere, especially down. The progress was slow, and the corridors filled with leaking heating pipes and more scurrying people – and if her eyes had not deceived her, at least one squid. But after a while, Ridcully knocked on a door that was liberally plastered with nameplates for professorial roles. She noticed a large number of buckets filled with coal in the corridor outside before they stepped in, and at the same time into, whatever was in there, which turned out to be a rather grubby middle-aged man. The room itself was steaming hot.

A look of panic began to widen on the man’s face when he saw Marjorie, causing the Archchancellor to harrumph! with amazing force. ‘Professor Rincewind, Miss Daw wishes to see Roundworld. Please don’t tell me that you’ve mislaid it again, will you?’

Rincewind retorted, ‘That wasn’t my fault, sir, really! They sign it out, then forget what they did with it, then remember that they loaned it to another student without telling me. Honestly, only last week I traced it to a pawnshop on Pigsty Hill! Students? Give me strength! I’ve got it back though, and haven’t let a student have it since. But if that wasn’t enough, Archchancellor, only today we’ve had another demand for it from the Omnians. Not from the almost likeable ones either – you know, like the Sanitary Army, an amiable bunch. No! It’s that new lot – the ones who would like to go back to Vorbis if they could; they are becoming rather testy, sir, if you get my drift.’ He looked sideways at Marjorie Daw in a way that suggested he didn’t want to.

Ridcully stepped between them, saying, ‘Professor Rincewind, Miss Daw is indeed a woman; you really must have been in close proximity to a woman before, unless you were built by somebody with a kit of parts? Moreover, she is my guest. Now, please give Roundworld to your Archchancellor, if you would be so good. After all, I am your Archchancellor!’ His hand moved to his beard …

Rincewind nodded hurriedly, and said, ‘Yes, of course, sir. Ponder Stibbons has told me you want me to go into Roundworld again; is that right?’

‘Of course! I want you and the Dean, when he gets here, to have a look around in the flesh, as it were. The onlooker sees more of the game and so forth. Don’t look so scared! It’s pretty safe at the moment – no dinosaurs, one or two little wars, a little bit of global warming, nothing very dangerous at all; after all, this young lady has just come from there.’ As Rincewind gave Marjorie a look that told her he really wished that she would go back there as soon as possible, the Archchancellor finished with, ‘Mister Rincewind, you will give me Roundworld – now!’

Shortly afterwards, Mustrum Ridcully sat down at his desk and pushed some extremely high pieces of paperwork off it; these fluttered away and settled like snow. Marjorie watched him then put down the bag that the Rincewind creature had given to him without asking for a signature; quite possibly he had thought that it was the safest way.

The bag itself was green baize, very padded. She took a seat that Mustrum pulled out for her, and then watched him take out of the bag … the Earth!

She said, ‘My word, that is an amazing globe of the Earth you have there; it seems just like those pictures taken from space! Personally I dislike people who call anything even vaguely interesting “marvellous”; but now I’m going to say it! Marvellous!’

‘As I mentioned, Marjorie, we can’t get you home yet, but we can let you see just about anything you want to see … and if I might suggest a few items of interest? Mister Stibbons only a few days ago showed me a wonderful display of sea creatures in the uttermost depths of the sea.’ He pointed towards an area clearly consisting mostly of sea, a sea moreover that he was implying was now literally teeming with interesting lives. ‘I don’t always see eye to eye with the Dean,’ he said, ‘but I do believe he did surpass himself when he created your planet out of raw firmament. I rather suspect, though, that there could be a template somewhere, and quite possibly even a passing fly might have triggered Roundworld.’

‘A fly … Roundworld?’ Marjorie managed.

Ridcully chuckled. ‘That’s what we call it. We wizards are pretty good on magic, but somewhat uncreative when it comes to making up names.’ Then he stared at Marjorie and added, ‘I must congratulate you, madam, on your composure in this matter. I am sure many people would, at this point, be telling themselves that it wasn’t happening, and – like your world’s fictional Alice, who you will doubtless know of – will assume they would shortly wake up. Quite possibly at the entrance to a rabbit hole. It seems that you, as a librarian, are excellent at assessing data. Cataloguing and indexing in your mind. All very impressive.’

‘Well, I did go to Roedean, and that counts for something … And if I were Alice, Mr Archchancellor, Wonderland would most certainly have shaped up, in no short measure.’ Miss Daw’s voice faltered, and she went on, ‘You know everything, don’t you?’

‘Certainly not. But because what you call Earth lies in a subordinate plane, we can by accident or intent find a way into the place, sometimes in the flesh, but mostly via a variety of devices: crystal balls and so on. It is not intrusive – we may not be good at names, but we are very good at surreptition, and we use such instruments sparingly. Excuse me, come!’

This was in response to a knocking on the door, the sound level of which had caused bits of plaster and miscellaneous debris to settle gently to the floor; indeed, a scattering of dust tumbled onto the Earth itself, causing Marjorie to giggle.