Chapter Seventeen
“We will leave in the morning.”
Brett looked at Brian and then quickly looked back over the walls of Banuilt. The keen way Brian was watching him was not comfortable. He knew the time to make a firm decision had come, and yet he was still not sure what he wanted, or even needed, to do.
“We will ride with you and Arianna,” he said finally and was not surprised to hear Brian curse softly.
Nothing had been said concerning the fact that he had fulfilled his promise to end Triona’s troubles and that he would now leave. Not on the whole journey back from where she had nearly been forced to marry Sir John, or after he had come back from taking the priest and Sir John’s body to Gormfeurach. If Triona wanted him to stay, she was showing no sign of it, neither trying to nudge him into making any promise nor even just asking him to stay.
And waiting for her to make the first move was the coward’s way, he thought, and inwardly grimaced. It would have helped him with his own unusual indecisiveness, but it would not have been fair to her. He certainly would not wish to risk being told no to his face. When he had first taken her to bed, he had more or less set the boundaries. They were lovers, he would clear away her problems with Sir John, and then he would leave. He had given her no hint that that had ever changed. Why should he expect her to be the one to do so?
“Are ye still wearing that hair shirt of penance for the death of that lass?”
“Brenda. Her name was Brenda,” said Brett, “and she wasnae just a lass. She was carrying my bairn, and I intended to make her my wife. I should ne’er have played the secret-lover game with her, a game that soon became verra serious for me. But I should have been mon enough to go to her father, marched right up to those gates, and . . .”
“Got kicked right out on your arrogant arse.” Brian held up a hand to silence him when Brett began to speak. “Ye told me ye had naught to offer her father for her hand, neither land nor a heavy purse. She was a weel-dowered lass, aye?”
“Weel, aye, but . . .”
“Bonnie, young, and fulsome, and ready for her father to choose a mon for her. Nay, ye would have been verra fortunate if all he had done was beat ye senseless and toss ye into the mud. Struth, I suspicion he already had a mon chosen for the lass, one who could give him something he wanted or needed, and that is why she insisted on keeping ye such a secret.”
“Aye, he did have someone in mind, but naught had been signed and no pledges had been given.”
“Doesnae matter. They were undoubtedly still bartering. She kenned it and probably kenned there would be no changing her father’s mind, nay for a lad who had a lot of allies, a lot of kin, and nay much else save for a bonnie face. I think she also kenned that she was putting your life at risk when she succumbed to your allure.”
Brett opened his mouth to defend what he thought was a somewhat harsh criticism of Brenda, but thought over what Brian had just said. “Succumbed to my allure?” he asked, and frowned at a grinning Brian.
“‘Sounds fine, doesnae it?’ Arianna bellowed that at me whilst we were still arguing. Something about how badly she wished she had kenned what a heartless bastard I was before she had succumbed to my allure. I liked the sound of that, of her succumbing to my allure.”
The man was grinning like a mischievous little boy, and Brett laughed. “She also called ye a heartless bastard.”
“I chose to ignore that because she was speaking in anger.”
“Of course ye did. And, aye, Brenda kenned I was at risk and probably kenned all else ye think she did. All that doesnae matter. She was but a lass of eighteen who had been weel guarded all of her life. I was nay so innocent. She was coming to meet me that night and we were going to run off together, to marry and raise the bairn she had just discovered she was carrying. While I waited for her, feeling sorry for myself because she was late and I began to fear she had changed her mind, she was caught by her clan’s enemies. Five men beat her, raped her, and left her there in the wood, left her for dead. She crawled the rest of the way to where I sat pouting, then died in my arms.”
Brian sighed. “A sad ending, and now I ken where your guilt o’er it all is bred from. Ye, as so many of we men like to do, somehow think ye should have saved her. Should have kenned she was in danger, kenned she was hurt, kenned where it was all happening, and also been able to ride swiftly to her rescue with sword held high. Aye, we men all have moments like that. It shames us when we discover we are nay omnipotent when it comes to the safety of those we love. We all chew o’er the what if I had done this or that, or what if this had happened instead, when there is a tragedy. Ye were nay there to stop it. Ye were waiting for her as promised. I suspicion ye had nay knowledge that her enemies were close at hand. There is nay wrong there, Brett, only sad mischance.”
“I see her,” Brett whispered.
“See her? Do ye mean ye see her ghost? Now?”
Brett smiled fleetingly at the way Brian looked all around. “Nay, nay now. I see her when I try to bed down with a lass and seek a wee bit of pleasure. Suddenly there is her ghost, looking sad as she watches me with the woman.”
“Jesu, that must be, weel . . .”
“Wilting? Aye, verra much so. If it didnae end all attempts to gain my ease, it certainly stole away the pleasure I may have gained from the act. Even drink didnae banish her, although it occasionally allowed me to gain a little ease ere I was sober enough to see her again.”
“Do ye see her when ye are with Triona?”
“Nay, and I confess that is why I stand here struggling to decide if I should go or if I should stay. I still have no lands to call my own, no heavy purse to offer her. She has had two men seek her only for her holdings, nay for herself. Her husband sought the heavy purse that was her dower and Sir John sought this land. I dinnae wish to appear to be a third who but seeks gain through wedding her.”
“I dinnae believe anyone here, including Triona, would e’er think that was why ye married her, but I understand. I sought such things when I wed Mavis, although I did want her and I did like her, could e’en see the chance that I would come to love her. When she died so suddenly and I was left with naught, I decided to ne’er do that again. ’Tis why, e’en though I had coin, I hesitated to wed Arianna despite how much I loved the lass. And ye do love Triona, aye?”
“Aye, I do. I wonder if that is why I am nay seeing Brenda when I am with Triona.”
Brian nodded. “Could be. ’Tis nay just an enjoyable rutting ye are indulging in. So ye need to find something to make ye feel more equal in standing with Triona, something to make ye feel that ye have brought something of worth to the marriage and nay just gained. Seems to me there is a keep and land near at hand that no longer has a laird. No heirs to cry foul if someone gets hold of it, nay more than a few distant cousins and mayhap a bastard or two aside from the six lassies.”
Brett stared at Brian for a moment, unable to speak as his mind was flooded with ideas. “And I have many powerful friends, and kin, who owe me a boon or two.”
“Plus enough coin in your purse to pay a bribe or two as weel, if it is needed.”
“I think ye mean a wee gift, a show of gratitude.”
“Aye. Exactly.”
“And it will help if I have a mon or two already holding Gormfeurach.”
“The men there do have need of someone strong to hold the place until they get a new laird.”
Brett exchanged a grin with Brian. “’Tis good to have a plan.”
“And part of that plan is to claim Triona, is it?”
“It is, but I will do naught about that until I ken I can come to her with something of my own to offer. In the end, her husband did right by her, by naming her his heir. He recognized her work here and her worth. I ken I could have her without going to all the trouble I am about to, because the lass cannae hide how she feels even when she tries to. It sounds cursed arrogant to say that, but ’tis there to see in her eyes. Howbeit, for once I want her to be the one who gains something in a marriage. I want her to be the one offered something of worth for the privilege of her hand in marriage.”
“Good mon.” Brian slapped Brett on the back and then suddenly sniffed the air. “’Twill be time to eat soon. Good cooks they have here, who ken how to make hearty, tasteful fare with little. Arianna has gathered a few recipes from them. We do weel, but there are always the lean times to face—or when ye just dinnae wish some guests to eat all that game ye struggled to catch, in but one sitting. Arianna told me that the lassies in the kitchen said it was your woman who is most responsible for those meals.”
Your woman, Brett thought as he followed Brian down off the walls. The words stroked him, giving him pleasure. Even if he could not gain hold of Gormfeurach, he would find something else to offer Triona, because he knew he had to claim her. Brenda had been the love of his youth, but he was a different man now. This man wanted Triona; she was his future.
Triona suspected her blushes would be enough to heat the bathwater she was in if it had not been well heated already. All during the evening meal she had done her best to let Brett know that she wanted him in her bed tonight, with every smile and light touch of her hand. Her plan was to greet him in something more alluring than a plain linen night shift. Bathwater, scented and faintly cloudy with soap, seemed like a wonderful idea. The way she was tensing at every small sound outside her door made her think she had vastly overestimated her ability to be sultry and inviting.
“Just how cursed long do ye have to be with a mon to start being comfortable being naked around him?” she muttered as she scrubbed at her foot.
“Most men would like that to be about two minutes,” drawled Brett as he quickly stepped inside the room and shut the door, not wanting anyone to see the delightful vision of Triona in her bath.
The sight of her, her pretty face flushed from the heat of the water and the fire the tub was set in front of, stirred the ache of raw need inside him. He liked the way her thick hair was messily pinned up on top of her head, damp tendrils slipping free to curl around her long, elegant neck. Brett realized that the more he saw her, the more he realized she had beauty. It was not the kind that grabbed a man’s gaze immediately like some women’s did, but it was beauty nonetheless.
Triona squeaked in surprise and nearly sank down beneath the water. Catching herself before she did so, she frowned at Brett. A moment later she recalled she was trying to be sultry, to be a woman he would never forget. Or a woman he had to return to, a little voice whispered in her head, and she ruthlessly silenced it. She would not allow herself any false hope.
Brett nearly grinned. She had looked irritated about being startled but suddenly had changed to looking coy and inviting. It appeared that Triona was trying to seduce him. He should probably tell her she did that by simply standing within sight of him and breathing, but he was enjoying her efforts far too much to put an end to them. He walked over to the tub, crouched down beside it, and picked up the little dish of soap.
“What are ye doing?” she asked as she watched him dip the edge of the linen washing cloth into the soap.
“I am about to help my lady in her bath,” he said, and reached over to grab one of her surprisingly long and strong legs, all too easily recalling how good they felt wrapped around him as he buried himself deep inside her heat. “Ye just relax and allow me to do all the work.”
Her blush revealed her unease with such intimacy, but he calmly ignored it. Brett knew that such reticence disappeared quickly once her desire began to rise. He washed her carefully, enjoying the way her eyes grew heavy lidded and turned a richer blue, as well as the feel of her soft, wet skin beneath his hands. The soft little gasps she made when he spent a long time washing between her legs, stirring her desire with his fingers, delighted him.
Deciding that the game had to end or he would be trying to climb into the tub with her, leaving a mess that would be embarrassing to explain to the maids, he tugged Triona to her feet and helped her step from the tub. He took the same care in drying her lithe yet nicely rounded body as he had in washing it. Except for the few faint birthing scars, her body revealed few other clues that she had borne a child. Her breasts were not quite as firm as a childless woman’s but far more so than other women’s he had had the privilege of exploring. Triona did not just direct her people in what work needed doing, she lent a hand herself, and it showed in the lightly muscled fitness of her body. He was not a man who cared if childbirth left its mark on a woman, but he also liked the strength and vigor displayed in Triona’s form.
Eager to have that fit body wrapped around his, he tossed aside the drying cloth and took her to the bed. The way she watched him as he shed his clothes was so flattering, he knew she could easily make him a bit vain with those looks alone. It had certainly made him prefer to stand before her and remove his clothes rather than just toss them aside as quickly as possible. Instead of just lying down beside her, he crawled onto the bed near her feet and began to slowly kiss his way up her body. When he touched a kiss to the very red curls at the juncture of her thighs, he grinned when her whole body tensed. He then grasped her by the thighs, held her in place, and began to make love to her with his mouth.
Triona was so shocked when he kissed her there, she could not move. By the time she thought she ought to pull away from such an intimacy, he had a hold on her that prevented that. In another moment she did not care, opening to his kiss as the heat of desire flared through her body from each touch of his tongue.
She heard herself make a sound of complaint when he began to kiss his way up her body, for she had wanted that kiss to continue. That tautness she now knew led to a delicious burst of pleasure that had begun, and she did not wish it to ease, fading a little as he stopped kissing her so intimately. When he paused to lavish attention on her breasts, she wrapped her body around his, rubbing against the hard length of him with increasing need. By the time he reached her mouth, she was desperate to feel him inside of her.
“Now, lass?” he whispered against her lips.
“Aye, right now if ye wish to live to see another dawn,” she said.
Brett laughed even as he kissed her and thrust home inside of her. Triona had the fleeting thought that the touch of laughter, even in the middle of a passionate moment, was very nice indeed. Then her body’s need for release blocked all other thought from her mind. Triona was vaguely aware of her nails scratching over his back as her release tore through her, making her cry out his name. Her whole body was still shaking from the strength of it when he found his own pleasure, plunging deep inside and growling out her name against her neck.
It was a little while before Brett regained enough breath and strength to shift most of his body off of Triona’s. He looked at her still-flushed face and her lovely mouth faintly swollen from kisses, and the hint of desire stirred in him again. It was going to be a long night of greed, he mused. They had not spoken of it, but they both knew this was their last night together. Only he knew that he would be back.
The decision not to tell her he planned to return had been a hard one. He knew he would hurt her when he left. Yet he did not know how long it would be before he could come back, and he hated to think of her waiting. While he certainly did not wish her to find someone else while he was gone, there was simply too much uncertainty in his future at the moment to leave her with even the most tenuous of promises.
“I think that didnae go quite like I planned,” she murmured, turning her head to look at him. “Ye seduced me.”
“Aye.” He got out of bed, fetched the linen washcloth from the tub, and used it to wash them both clean before tossing it back into the tub. “I think I did,” he agreed as he returned to her side and idly nuzzled her neck. “That was nay your plan?”
“Nay. I had planned to be the one doing the seducing.”
“Ah. So ye did. Ye were naked in your bath.”
“That was nay all of it.”
“All I needed.” He laughed when she slapped him lightly on the back. “Nay, truly. It would probably be all any mon needed. Aha, says the mon as he steps into the room, naked woman in the bath. I must get my clothes off ere she changes her mind.” He smiled when she laughed. “I caught the hint of the seduction in the great hall, lass. Ye made my blood heat with all those soft smiles and wee strokes of your bonnie hand.”
Triona felt a hint of pride and tried not to show it. She had feared she had no skill in the art of seduction, only what she had seen when others had played the game where she could see them. It was pleasing to think she had seduced Brett. The fact that he appeared to be easily seduced was something she could ignore. Such a thought could stir doubts in her own ability to entice him, and could invite thoughts of how any woman might seduce him with little effort.
She was disappointed that she had not been a little more daring, and then almost smiled as she felt his manhood twitch slightly against her hip. There were more chances to be daring before the night was done, she mused, and slid her hand down until she could curl it around his manhood. The way he tensed and inhaled swiftly was very promising, she decided, and began to stroke him.
Brett closed his eyes to enjoy her touch to the fullest. She had a natural skill, he thought, and almost grinned. It was probably not the wisest compliment to give a well-born lady. Then she turned a little and slid her other small, warm hand between his legs to lightly stroke him there as well, and he decided he really did not want to do any thinking for a while.
The light of the rising sun warmed his face and Brett slowly opened his eyes. It was morning and he did not think he had ever faced one with such reluctance before. He eased away from Triona’s light hold and quickly put his clothes on. A large part of him wanted to wake her, make love again, but he knew he had to get his things together. When Brian said morning, he meant morning, and making love to Triona again would take far more than the few minutes he now had to spare. It was easier to flee than to talk, and he was embarrassed that that thought prodded him to leave her side so swiftly.
He also felt a bit like a complete coward as he hurried to his bedchambers, which he shared with Harcourt and had not used since first making love to Triona. His brother was already up, dressed, and packed. Brett quickly washed up, changed his clothes for ones better suited to riding, and shoved his belongings into his saddlebags.
“Ye slipped away like a thief in the night, didnae ye,” said Harcourt as he waited for Brett to join him in going down to the great hall to have a quick bite of food before leaving.
“Aye, I did,” Brett snapped. “Was I to wake her at dawn just so she can wave good-bye?”
“So, ye havenae told her that ye are going to come back, either.”
“If I kenned when that would be, I might have done so. I can say I will be back, but I truly dinnae ken when. I thought it kinder to leave matters as they stand. No promises. I willnae break one to her, and if I dinnae get what I am after, I could need a long time to gather what I need to come and ask for her hand.”
Harcourt sighed. “Mayhap all she needs is ye. E’er think of that?”
“A lot, but I will nay be the third mon in her life to come to her with little or nothing, to marry her for my own gain. When I come back it will be with enough that when I ask for her hand she will ken that that is all I want, just her hand, nay her coin and nay her land.”
“I pray I ne’er fall in love. It makes life too troublesome. Do ye still want me to join those two MacFingal lads at Gormfeurach?”
“Aye, unless ye have changed your mind.”
“Nay. There is work to be done there, and I have a strange urge to do some of it. So, best ye get your hands on the place or I will be sore angry that all my hard work benefits someone who isnae my kin.”
Laughing softly, Brett followed him down to the great hall. He knew it was dangerous to hope for too much, but he let that hope for a future with Triona rest in his heart. It made the parting easier, for he could see the path back into her arms.
Still chewing on an oatcake, he stepped out into the bailey to see their horses readied and Brian already waiting a little impatiently for his wife. The well-padded cart was for her, and she paused in talking to Triona every once in a while to glare at it, but he knew she would be riding in it all the way back to Scarglas—and not just to please Brian. Arianna still held a fear of losing the child.
Triona surreptitiously glanced to where Brett stood. She had woken up in time to see him leave, the warmth of his kiss on her forehead still lingering. For a moment she had been angry that, after the night of lovemaking they had just enjoyed, he would slip away like some thief or a man trying to make certain he was not caught in a wife’s bed by her returning husband. Then she had decided it was the best way for them to part, if only to help her keep her dignity. If he had lingered, made love to her again, she might have been reduced to begging him to stay.
“Ye didnae ask him to stay, did ye?” said Arianna.
“Nay. He gave me no promises and I will nay hold him with tears and pity. He wants to leave, and I will wave fare-thee-weel from the gates.” She sighed when Arianna kissed her cheek. “It was good to see ye, Cousin. Take the journey home easily.”
“It appears my husband feels the same. Do ye see what he intends me to ride in? As if I am some aging matriarch or have some disease? A cart. He means to make me go back to Scarglas in a cart.” She glared at Brian, who just grinned back at her. “I think he means to punish me for leaving in the first place.”
“Nay, he but understands your fears and tries, in his awkward monly way, to ease them.” Triona smiled when Arianna laughed. “And here comes my Ella to wave fareweel, too.”
Triona watched as Ella kissed Arianna and then went to kiss each of the men, tensing when her daughter stopped before Brett. She actually started to move toward them to hear what was being said and stopped herself. It would be wrong. Ella had the right to say what she wanted, and considering some of the things the child might say or ask, it might also save her some embarrassment if she did not venture near enough to overhear. She just hoped Brett did nothing to add to the sadness she knew her child would feel when he was gone.
“Why can ye nay stay here?” Ella asked. “I thought ye liked us.”
Crouching in front of the little girl, Brett said, “I do, my wee angel, but I have to go and do something right now. It is important that I get something before I come back.” He kissed her cheek. “But dinnae tell your mother I said that. I am nay sure when I can come back, and I dinnae wish her being sad as she waits.”
“I will be sad as I wait.”
“Nay, ye will be playing with your friends and the kittens and helping your mother. Ye will be too busy to be sad. Just be a verra good lass for your mother.”
“If I am a verra good girl may I have a kitten?”
He laughed. “I told ye to ask your mother about that.”
“She will say nay.”
“Then ask again later, for ye can ne’er ken when she might change her mind.”
He talked with the little girl for another moment as Brian settled his complaining wife in the cart, and then he walked over to Triona. There were so many things he could say, from formal, polite words of thanks to asking her to wait for him, but he could not think of which words or what to say. Instead, he pulled her into his arms, gave her a passionate kiss, and then went and got on his horse, joining his hooting friends and relatives as they all rode out.
“Did he say he is coming back?” asked Joan. “That looked like an I will come back kiss to me.”
It had rather felt like one, but Triona beat down the surge of hope that tried to fill her heart. She needed more than a passionate kiss before he rode away to let that hope live. For now, she intended to go to her bedchamber and spend a few hours sunk in morose self-pity, and then she would pick up the pieces of her shattered heart and get to work.
“It was just a kiss, Joan,” she said as she turned to reenter the manor. “Just a kiss from a mon who obviously didnae have anything he wished to say to me.”
“Some men cannae easily speak what is in their hearts.”
“And some men dinnae have anything in their hearts to speak about. Now I am going to slip away and be alone for a few hours and wallow in feeling sorry for myself because I was foolish enough to let a tiny ray of hope enter my heart. Once I have it completely throttled to death, I mean to get to work. For once we can work without having to stop to fix damage done by Grant.”
She paused in the doorway and looked out through the gates at her retreating visitors. “And for that we can thank all those people.” She looked at Joan. “I can also thank Sir Brett Murray for showing me that what can be between a mon and a woman can be verra fine indeed. It might have hurt a little in the end, but that is something I am indeed verra, verra grateful for.”
And she was. She just wished that she had been able to make him love her with his heart as well as he had loved her with his body.