Chapter Forty-four
“Read pages thirty through fifty-five. If you don’t, it’s not my problem. Class is dismissed.” Severine shut her laptop and slid it into her messenger bag. Everyone around her shuffled about and gathered their belongings. She took a glance at the door and almost groaned.
“You seem preoccupied,” Tosha commented beside her.
“Because I am,” Severine rushed out. Her mind was foggy, and her head was begging to touch her pillow back at the dorms. After Thayer left last night, sleep became impossible, and she was left with a grand total of three hours of beauty sleep. But she was still alert enough to double-check the doors of the classroom one more time. Maybe her luck would change and there wouldn’t be anyone waiting for her today. It hadn’t. Macsen waited at the door, staring at her from across the room.
Nothing about his expression was friendly. His green eyes were sharply looking at her, taking in her every action. This happened every day and most of the time he’d back off once he realized that Severine wasn’t going to respond. Today was different. The look in his eyes was all off.
Tosha noticed the exchange and raised a brown brow. “Things still awkward?”
Not at all. I just slept with his brother last night, but things are great. Severine grabbed her bag, slung it over her shoulder, and gave Tosha a bright smile. “With him? Not at all. We hardly talk.”
“It looks like that’s what he wants to do.”
Severine walked slowly down the steps with Tosha. Her feet settled on each step. They had their own story. Every footstep whispered out his betrayal. It should be so easy to let something go. But as she walked closer to Macsen, all that filled her mind were his lies. It didn’t matter anymore what she thought they could’ve been. Her hatred had dimmed down to pity. It was only a matter of time until she had nothing left to feel for him. He’d be a complete stranger walking down the street; just a stranger that had once broken her trust.
“Yeah. This is weird, I’m gonna go,” Tosha muttered. She slid past Macsen just as Severine was getting ready to open her mouth.
Severine held her head high and followed Tosha’s lead.
“I need to talk to you,” Macsen said behind her.
If she stared forward and looked unfazed, Macsen would look like he was talking to air. He called out her name more persistently, each time more harsh and demanding after the next. When she was close to the door, he yelled at her.
“I knew he liked you!”
Everyone around them paused to stare at him, then at her. Severine gripped the handle of the door so hard her circulation felt cut off. She didn’t want to have a conversation with Macsen, least of all in a building surrounded by students. The pain would never pull away, not when he kept luring her back with strange comments like that. Her finger unclasped the door handle, and on second thought she barged through the door and hurried down the steps.
“I saw him at that party! I watched him look at you, and it drove him f*cking crazy that you didn’t notice!” Macsen yelled behind her.
Severine stopped walking and quickly turned back around. Her gaze narrowed on Macsen. She grabbed him by the jacket and didn’t stop until they were behind the building, away from everyone.
Macsen’s bag dropped to the ground, and he approached her slowly. Her lungs felt compressed as he walked closer. “I had something he wanted, Sev. You were talking to me, you were flirting with me!” He grabbed his shirt and wrapped it tightly around his fist. “You loved me first!”
“Shut up!” Severine screamed. She clutched her hands tightly to her ears, hoping to block out everything he said. But it didn’t. It ruined everything. It ruined what she thought some form of their relationship had been. It ruined her heart.
“I have nothing to lose. All the f*cked up mistakes I’ve made, everything wrong about me, you’re seeing right now.” Macsen stepped closer and peered at her with an expression that ached. His eyes implored her to see the truth. “What do you know about Thayer? Hmm?”
Severine repeatedly blinked her eyes. “I know all I want to.”
“You know nothing.”
“Or I could know everything.”
“You wanna take that risk? Take a chance like that?”
How much pain could someone sustain? Severine gritted her teeth together. “I think the worst chance I ever took was on you.”
Macsen flinched, but he kept talking. “I heard you were at Thayer’s game yesterday.”
Severine turned around slowly. “Yes, I was.”
“You hate basketball games,” Macsen pointed out.
“I hate cheaters too, and oh look, I’m talking to you.”
“That’s f*cking low, Sev.”
“No. It really isn’t. I’m going to keep calling you out on it until it’s out of my system. Until-”
“Until what?” Macsen interjected. “Until I’m out of your system?”
Severine stared up at him, hating that he was getting underneath her skin. “When you have to work so hard for something to leave your memory, shouldn’t you wonder why it refuses to erase itself?”
He stood in front of her. They hadn’t been this close in so long. He was close enough for her to see his light green eyes wide with caution, his black lashes were wet from the harsh wind. All it did was make his irises stand out. It drew her back to the moment she first talked to him, the memory of spending time with him at the library. She remembered how she felt safe around him; how everything felt easy and carefree with him. It still hurt that those memories were now tainted.
“If you close your eyes, you’ll remember us. You’ll remember how we were together.” Macsen was close enough that Severine could reach her hand out and touch him.
Her eyelids wanted to close so badly. She wanted to adhere his words and just listen for once. But she couldn’t. If her strength was anywhere, it laid with Thayer. His face flashed into her mind and her heart instantly. She used to think Macsen was authentic—that there was no one like him. She knew nothing about him. Chances were, she never would.
There was nothing to say after this. She had been pushed off their cloud of happiness months ago. Macsen’s feet were just now touching the ground. Pain smeared his features, and Severine stepped away.
“I gotta go.”
“You know I love you. That has to stand for something!”
Severine peered back to look at him. “And when it’s ruined, it stands for nothing. Before you screwed up, you had no idea how you wore me.”
Confusion showered his face. “What are you talking about?”
Severine looked up at the clear blue sky. When she looked back at Macsen, her voice wavered, but stayed sure. “My heart was on your sleeve, waiting patiently. You shrugged it off. You didn’t care. You didn’t realize.”
Macsen stood speechless. It felt like Severine was going back to the same place—a place of despair over Macsen—one too many times.
Slowly, she walked backwards, gazing at him sadly. “I think I’m just now realizing that now.”
There was a tiny spot for her to turn around and tell him that they could try again, but in this situation, it was too late. Severine had broken him down. It didn’t feel good. She knew firsthand that sometimes people had to be at their lowest before things ever let up. None of this was Severine’s problem. He wasn’t hers to build back up.
She walked across campus like everyone else. No one looked at her twice as she walked to her car. She felt broken, but she kept repeating she was fine.
But she wasn’t fine. She wasn’t okay. Now she was in so incredibly deep. Macsen’s betrayal made her doubt every direction. But the pain she was in now created new lacerations on her already cut up heart. Now she was like Macsen, she couldn’t let go of Thayer. She was greedy and selfish all wrapped up with a pretty little bow on top.