chapter 4
Sera woke with a start. For a moment she didn’t know where she was. The room was dark, shadowed, and unfamiliar. Loud, boisterous laughter was echoing through the hall outside as people shouted to each other. Then, she felt Liam’s arm still wrapped tightly around her waist, and she heard his deep, solid breathing. She lifted her head to look at the clock on his nightstand. The bright red numbers announced that it was five forty three.
“Damn,” she whispered. “Damn, damn, damn!”
She lifted Liam’s arm gently. His eyes instantly flew open. Sera gasped aloud when they landed upon her, bright, and brilliant green in the dim light of the room. “What time is it?” he asked sleepily.
“Quarter to six.”
“Oh.” She stiffened as he pulled her back into his arms. “You missed lunch already.”
She lay rigidly for a moment before relaxing against him. She forced herself to remember that he had done nothing to make her fear him. That he had done nothing to hurt her. His arms were like steel around her, but she knew that he would release her if she asked him to. His hand gently stroked her hair and she found herself smiling softly as she nestled closer to him.
With a soft sigh, he gently lifted her chin, and kissed her lightly on the lips. The brief touch sent a wave of warmth through her that dissolved her remaining fear. Never had anyone been so gentle, and kind with her. Her body yearned for his touch in a way that it never had with anyone else.
He pulled slowly away from her; his thumb gently stroked her chin as he stared at her intently. He seemed to be searching for something, but for what, she didn’t know. His hands wrapped into her hair, drawing her against him as he kissed her lightly. She melted against him, her body on fire as their tongues touched and teased. His kiss slowly became deeper, fiercer, and more urgent.
She pulled him closer, wanting more of him, needing more of him. She had never felt like this, she hadn’t known that anything could feel like this. An involuntary moan escaped her as she clung to his solid, well muscled back. He groaned softly and lightly nibbled at her lip as his hand stroked her neck, then her collarbone.
She gasped in surprise when he gently cupped her breast. The searing pleasure that raced through her blocked out all fear as he stroked and kneaded her. She moaned again as he teased her nipple into a hardened bud while his mouth kept firm possession of hers. She was certain that nothing had ever felt this wonderful, this good, and she was afraid that she would catch on fire from the sheer pleasure of it.
A loud bang in the hallway made her jump in surprise. With the contact broken, reality crashed down on her. She shouldn’t be here. Shouldn’t be doing this. If anything, she had learned from past mistakes how quickly things could get out of control. How rapidly she could be hurt, and betrayed. Her breath came in rapid pants as memories, and fear washed over her.
His eyebrows drew together as he reached out to brush a loose strand of hair off her face. She flinched involuntarily and his hand fell instantly away. She rolled quickly away before she could see the disgust that was sure to follow her reaction in his eyes. She wanted to hang her head in her hands and sob out her anguish, and self loathing. She hated this weakness.
She wished that she could be normal, that she could be like everyone else. She wished that night had never happened. She had worked so hard, tried so hard to forget about it, but she couldn’t. It was always with her, always in the back of her mind, constantly haunting her, chasing her. Now, she’d met someone that she truly liked, that made her feel things she had never imagined, and she was going to lose him. No guy, no matter how nice, would want to be with someone that flinched every time they touched her.
“Sera,” he whispered softly.
He sat up and gently laid his hands on her shoulders. She stiffened slightly and turned her head so that he couldn’t see her face. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“For what?”
She shook her head, her long hair falling forward to obscure what little of her face he had been able to see. A small tremor shook her, but she refused to look at him. As slowly, and as gently as possible, he reached out to lightly seize her chin. He turned her head, forcing her to look at him.
“There is nothing to be sorry for,” he said firmly. “Okay?” She nodded slowly, but self loathing still filled her eyes. He sighed softly, unsure of what to say, or do. “I won’t do anything that you don’t want to do. I’m not going to hurt you.”
Her eyes flicked over his face as she thought over his words, and tried to figure out if he was telling the truth, or not. He seemed to be telling her the truth. He had to be. She was sitting with him, alone in a dark room, and he was making no move to do anything to harm her. Instead, he was only trying to assure, and comfort, her.
“There’s no rush,” he said softly. “I’ll wait until you’re comfortable, until you’re ready. I just want you to trust me, all right?”
She had to fight back the wave of tears that flooded her eyes. “Wait?” she managed to choke out through the lump in her throat.
He smiled softly as his thumb began to stroke her chin. “Yes, wait. I like you Sera. I want to be with you, with, or without sex. Understand?”
Her eyes widened in surprise as his words sank in. He could have any girl he wanted, at any time, why would he want to wait for her? For someone who shrank away from him? For someone who was broken? She simply couldn’t believe what she was hearing, but he seemed so honest, so sincere, and she truly wanted to believe him.
“Why?” she had to ask.
He stared at her for a moment, trying to figure it out for himself. He liked her, he knew that, but he had liked girls before. Though none of them had ever made him feel the way that she did. None of them had made him feel so protective before. And none of them had managed to arouse him as much as she did with just a look, or a kiss. He was throbbing and hard now, yet he was telling her that he would wait for her.
It would be better for her if he left now, walked downstairs, and found the first girl he could take his lust out on. Instead, he found himself not wanting anyone else. He was suddenly certain that they would not be able to satisfy him and that only she would be able to. Although they had just met, and he barely knew her, she helped to ease the loneliness of his dark existence, and he was not going to let her go. He would have to someday, but not yet.
“Because I want to be with you. Okay?” he asked with a small smile.
She managed to smile back at him as her heart filled with happiness. He had to be too good to be true. But at that moment, she didn’t care. His thumb stilled on her chin as he leaned forward and kissed her gently. He pulled back and smiled warmly as he held his arms out to her. She didn’t hesitate as she went into them. He enfolded her tightly and held her gently against his chest, his chin on her head. To her surprise she realized that she had never felt so safe before.
“Can I ask you something?” he asked softly, his lips gently brushing the top of her head.
“Sure, what?”
“You may not like it, and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
She shrugged as she nestled closer to his warmth. “Then ask.”
“What happened to you before?”
She stiffened in his arms. Her breath was frozen in her lungs, as her heart began to beat a wild staccato in her chest. “What do you mean?” she asked, trying to keep the tremor from her voice.
He sighed softly as he lightly stroked her hair. “I mean, what happened to make you so fearful?”
Agony tore through her as memories threatened to rush forth. She closed her eyes and clamped down against the tidal wave of pain that wanted to break free. Resolutely she turned her attention away from the past, and made herself focus upon the here and now.
“If you don’t want to answer me, you don’t have to,” he reminded her.
She didn’t know why, maybe it was because he hadn’t pressed her, or maybe it was because she felt so incredibly, irrationally safe with him, but she suddenly felt the need to tell him. Or at least tell him some of it. “Remember when I said that I came to this school because it was close to home, but far enough away?”
“Yes.”
“Well, that wasn’t entirely true. To me it wasn’t far enough away from home, not nearly far enough, but I couldn’t afford anything else. My parents only live three hours away, in New Hampshire, but I don’t go home for the holidays. I stay with my grandmother on the Cape. Sometimes my mom comes to visit me, but she never stays long, and my father never comes.”
She took a deep breath to steady herself as she began to reopen wounds that weren’t completely healed. “My graduating class was only thirty two kids, and we all knew where everyone else was going. No one was coming here, so I did. As far as I know, no one from the following classes has come here either.”
He remained silent while she took another deep breath. Now that she was speaking, she suddenly found herself unable to stop. “In the middle of my senior year I started dating this guy named Jacob.”
Her voice broke off as a shudder involuntarily wracked her. She hadn’t said his name in years, had never wanted to say it again. Just saying it brought cold terror to her gut. Liam gently stroked her hair and back, easing some of the tension from her, and giving her the strength to go on.
“He was the quarterback on the football team of the town next to ours. Our town was too small for a team so the kids in our school played on that team too. My friends and I went to all of their games; it was the only thing to do on a Friday night. Jacob was popular, outgoing, and good looking. I thought I was the luckiest person on earth when he asked me to go out with him. My parents wouldn’t allow me to date until I was a senior, so he was my first boyfriend.
“We had been dating for about a month when we went to my homecoming dance. I was crowned queen.” Sera snorted as she recalled how happy she had been that night, how childish, and naive. “At that moment, it was the greatest night of my life. After the dance we went to a party at my friend Lisa’s house. I never wanted the night to end but I had a two o’clock curfew so Jacob drove me home.”
She closed her eyes as she tried desperately not to shed the tears pooling in her eyes. Liam remained silent as she nestled closer to him, needing to know that he was there, that Jacob was the past, and that she would never have to see him again. That he couldn’t hurt her anymore. Liam’s hands massaged the back of her scalp as he hugged her tighter to him.
“He was drunk, but I didn’t care, nothing bad could happen to either of us,” she continued in a strangled voice. “He pulled onto a side road and drove to a place that we had gone to a few times before. It was nice there, quiet, no one bothered us.
“He started to kiss me, and at first it was nice, you know. But then... I don’t know; I don’t know anything anymore.” She blinked rapidly as she lost the battle against her tears and one slid free. “I can’t believe I’m telling you this,” she mumbled. “I haven’t even told Kathleen. She’d be so mad at me if she found out I told you, and not her.”
He gently clasped hold of her chin and lifted her head. She looked up at his handsome face, as he stared tenderly down at her, his eyes dark and stormy. “You don’t have to tell me anything that you don’t want to,” he assured her, gently wiping the tear from her face. The tender gesture nearly undid her. She blinked rapidly against the flood of tears that wanted to spill forth.
“I know, maybe that’s why I can tell you. Or maybe it’s because for some reason, I don’t know why, but I feel that I can trust you.” Although, she often put her trust in the wrong people. First Jacob, then her parents, and most recently Michelle.
He smiled as his finger continued to stroke her face. “You can trust me Sera,” he vowed.
She took a deep breath and nodded slowly. “I want to.” His hand stilled upon her cheek as something flashed through his eyes. Something that seemed to be filled with longing and wistfulness. Sera’s breath caught in her throat. In that moment she knew that she could tell him anything, trust him with anything.
She raised her hand and gently took hold of his. She couldn’t tell him the rest if she kept looking at him. She would get lost in him and forget everything else. For a moment she wished for that, but she knew that if he was ever going to truly understand her, than this was something that he needed to know. She lowered her head and buried herself within the warm security of his powerful arms.
“Like I was saying, I don’t know what happened, but everything seemed to go from blissful, to frightening in a moment. I tried not to be scared, but I was. I had planned on losing my virginity to him that night, and I had wanted it to be perfect, but suddenly I wasn’t so sure that I wanted to. I told him to stop, if only just to give me a few moments to calm down and relax.”
Sera’s voice became tighter as she continued. Memories were washing over her, threatening to suffocate her with their intensity. She could suddenly feel Jacob’s hands on her again, smell his stinking, alcohol drenched breath; taste her blood in her mouth.
“No matter what anyone says, I know that I told him to stop. But, he wouldn’t. He just kept saying that this was what supposed to happen, that this was our night; that I had said I would. He ripped my dress, tore the front out of it. I started to cry, and he told me to shut up, to stop being a selfish bitch. I tried to make him stop, I screamed, God did I scream, and I beat wildly at him until my hands were bruised, and numb.”
Sera’s words tumbled out in a heedless rush that revealed her intense grief. A fiery rage began to course through his veins as he thought of the man that had attacked her, a man that she had trusted. He knew that if Jacob had been standing in front of him, he would have killed him. He took a deep breath as he tried to fight against the animal thirst for revenge that was building inside him.
She took a hitching breath. “Then, he hit me,” she continued, her voice soft, small, and very fragile. The sound of it tore at his heart, ripped into his soul. His arms tightened around her in an attempt to block out the pain of her past. It was impossible.
“That hurt so much,” she whispered. “For a moment I nearly blacked out, but I knew that if I did, he would do whatever he wanted to me. I somehow managed to claw his face as he continued to fumble and paw at me. He bellowed with rage and smashed a fist into the side of my face. Blood spurted everywhere. It soaked him, and my dress, as it poured from my nose. I stopped fighting him and sat in shock.”
She swallowed heavily and forced herself to stay focused upon the present, and to get it all out. “I think it was the sight of all that blood that made him come to his senses. It coated everything. He started screaming at me to get out of the car, that I was getting blood everywhere, and making a mess. He didn’t have to tell me twice. I was out of there as fast as I could be. I walked home through the woods, clutching my dress together, and leaving a trail of blood behind me.
“When I got there, I couldn’t talk to tell my parents what had happened. My jaw was swollen shut, and I was in complete shock. They rushed me to the hospital, my mother in hysterics, and my father screaming about drunk drivers. It wasn’t until a few hours later that I was able to write down what had happened.”
Sera stopped as tears spilled out of her eyes. She tried to wipe them away, but now that they were flowing freely they wouldn’t stop. “Sera, you don’t have to say anything more. I understand.”
“There’s more,” she whispered, lowering her eyes.
He tried to raise her chin back up, but she kept her face firmly averted. She couldn’t look at him, not now. Not when the shame was boiling up in waves, not when the memories of Jacob’s hands upon her were so vivid, and real. She didn’t want him to see her humiliation.
“Sera...”
“I have to finish. I have to.” She took a deep breath and forced herself to continue speaking. “To make a long story short, my father called me a liar. He said that Jacob had told them that I had gotten drunk at the party, and taken off with a group of guys from his school. We must have gotten into a car accident, and I was trying to cover it up so that I wouldn’t get in trouble. The kids at school began to whisper about me behind my back, and my friends abandoned me. You don’t remain popular by calling the star quarter back a rapist.
“It didn’t matter that people had seen me leaving with Jacob that night, or that there had been no other guys around. No one wanted to believe that he could do such a thing. They all said that I had asked for it. That I deserved whatever happened, and that Jacob had done nothing wrong. Most of the guys already disliked me because I wouldn’t date them, and I think the girls had always secretly hated me. They now had their excuse to turn their backs on me.
“By the time that my father realized there had been no car accidents reported that night, and that people had seen me leave with Jacob, it was too late. The damage had been done. I hated them for not believing in me, for not trusting me. The only person that always believed me was my grandmother. I moved to Cape Cod to spend the rest of my senior year with her. It took some finagling, but she managed to get me a residential tuition rate here.”
He squeezed her chin gently, and she finally managed to lift her eyes to his. She was scared that she would find disgust, or pity, in his gaze. Instead, she found a startling wealth of warmth, and caring. The sight of it was enough to steal her breath away. “I’m sorry about what happened to you, and I wish that I could take the pain away. It never should have happened to someone like you. But the worst things always happen to the best people. I think you realize that.”
Sera nodded slowly as he bent his head and dropped a soft kiss on her trembling lower lip. He pulled away and lightly brushed the tears from her face. “I don’t know why I told you all of this,” she whispered softly. “I barely know you. You must think I’m an idiot.”
“You’re not an idiot Sera, and no matter what people said, or did, you did not deserve what happened, and you didn’t ask for it.”
She nodded slowly, it had taken her a long time to truly believe that, and there were times that she still doubted it. She had always thought that she had done something wrong, that she had encouraged it, but to have Liam say that she hadn’t made her feel better, stronger. For once, someone beside her grandmother believed in her, and was on her side.
He lay back on the bed, pulling her down with him. She didn’t stiffen against him, didn’t fight him as she lay down on top of him. His hands were soothing as they rubbed her back and hair. She nestled closer, his warmth and security pushing the remains of her terror away.
Liam stared at the ceiling as she cuddled against him. He couldn’t get over how small and delicate she was. Protective instincts he never knew he possessed raced through him. The anger was still there, radiating just beneath the surface, but he refused to let her see it. He didn’t want to frighten her with it.
“What do you say we order some pizza, rent some movies, and stay in tonight?” he inquired.
“What about the party?”
He knew that the last thing she wanted to do was go to a party right now, and neither did he. “I’d rather stay here, with you.”
She lifted her head to look at him. Her eyes were slightly bloodshot from crying, but she was still exquisitely lovely. “I’d like that.”
He smiled as he pushed back her glorious hair. “Good.”
She curled up against his chest, and within minutes fell asleep again.