“For you.” He took my hand, his five thousand years evaporating. He looked young and scared, just like I felt, and his hand sweated over mine. “You haven’t had a hundred lifetimes, and even this one has just begun. There’s so much you still have to experience. No matter what happens with all this”—he gestured around the temple—“I need to give you a chance.”
A million things happened inside me at once, most prominently my heart squeezing up to my throat, and my stomach flip-flopping. Grateful and sick and filled up with misery.
“Cris, no.” I didn’t want to die, though, or be trapped forever. I wanted to live, to have experiences. I wanted to see the world with my single short life. But Cris…
“Think of it as a gift, if it helps. One you can’t turn down.”
Stef stood nearby, eyes round as if she’d begun to accept what he was going to do.
“Janan is too strong. You can’t beat him,” I whispered, half saying the words because I knew I should. “He’s had five thousand years to gain power. You will be new and weak. He won’t let you stay in the walls.” He needed to see how futile his plan was.
“I only need a few moments to open a door for you.” He cupped my cheek with his free hand.
“What happens if he kills you? Will you be reincarnated?”
“For a newsoul’s sake,” Cris said, “I hope not.”
But I didn’t want him to be gone forever. Where would he go? What would he do?
“Ana, you have to live. You have to get out of here, stop Janan from destroying Heart, and live this life. Do everything you can. Don’t waste it. Promise me.”
“We’ll find another way.” Why couldn’t he see?
“When? How? There’s nothing here but skeletons.” His eyes were glassy, and he blinked several times as though trying not to cry.
“Please don’t.” I looked to Stef for help, but she just watched us with a hard expression, like ice.
Just as I turned to him again, Cris leaned forward and kissed me. Not long, and not desperate. I barely had a chance to register the way his lips tasted like tears before he drew back, looking as surprised as I felt.
“I thought you were in love with Sam.” That wasn’t what I wanted to say, but it saved me from having to think too hard about the simultaneous thrill and fear and stress of what had just happened. I still didn’t understand why Sam wanted to kiss me, let alone anyone else.
“I will always be in love with Dossam.” He focused inward, somewhen-else. He didn’t mean my Sam, but a Sam from lifetimes ago. “And I love you,” he whispered, coming back to the present. “Not like Sam does, not nearly. But that’s why you have to live. I couldn’t bear to let anything happen to you when you’ve just begun, and I couldn’t bear Sam’s pain if he lost you.”
My breath was too heavy, crushing me from the inside. I couldn’t let him do this, but I wanted to escape. I wanted to live and be loved and not die. Pieces of me were becoming resigned to it, even welcoming his fate because it meant I might be free.
Stef was still ice. No hope of strength from her.
Cris squeezed my hand. I’d forgotten he hadn’t let go. “You’re going to live,” he said. “You’re going to make it out of the temple, and then you’re going to use everything you’ve learned to stop Janan. Save the newsouls.”
I hated myself as I nodded, and warmth trickled down my cheeks. He was crying, too, but I didn’t know what to say to other people who cried. Instead I just hugged him. His wiry body tensed before his arms went around me, too.
If I spoke, I would be undone. Everything in me would spill out. So I squeezed him until he pried himself loose and said, “I shouldn’t have kissed you. I hope you can forgive me.”
Because I still couldn’t speak, I pressed my fingers to my lips and nodded, and hoped he knew that I understood. He was afraid.
“Be ready to run,” he said, “because I have no idea how long it will take, or how long it will last. If I have time, once you’re free, I’ll try—I don’t know. Maybe I can save the souls he’s trapped here.”
Was that even possible? Maybe it was to the boy who’d ride across Range to save his roses from frost.
“You don’t have to,” Stef whispered. “I could.”
“The world has more need for a scientist and engineer than a gardener, especially right now.” He hugged her as well, and kissed her cheeks. “Please don’t kill each other after I’m gone.”
Gone.
He was going to do it now? Shouldn’t he wait?
My legs were numb, my arms useless. My voice had long since abandoned me. I wanted to tell him to stop, to reconsider, but it would only delay the inevitable. He’d already decided, and I selfishly wanted to go home.
Without regard for my silent urging him to wait, Cris climbed onto the table next to Janan, found the knife, and lay down.
I wished I had something strong or brave to say, something that might give him a breath of reassurance. But I had nothing to offer. I was useless.
Stef stood next to me, put her arm around my waist. Crying, I leaned my head on her shoulder and watched Cris settle on the stone and position the knife above his heart. He was really going to do it. There had to be another way, and I was crying instead of figuring it out.