A Symphony of Cicadas

Five



I scrambled to my feet and whipped around to meet the face behind the voice.

“Aunt Rose?” I stammered.

I had been ten when she had passed away. She was my mother’s aunt, and no longer young when she had succumbed to an illness that had made her weak and frail. But before that, she’d been a vibrant part of our family, encouraging my sister and me to take risks that our parents would never dream of. It was Rose who encouraged me to balance on top of the playground equipment blocks from her house, cheering me on as I shuffled with fear on the tiny beam that stood eight feet above the sand, and applauding when I was successful in making it to the other end. She let me roller skate across the wood floors of her house, ignoring the scuff marks I left behind with my clumsy feet. Her large smocks became the costume wardrobe for Sara and me when we performed plays and musicals in the front yard. We’d try on her large-brimmed Easter bonnets, giggle as we slipped on her large bras over our dresses, teeter along in her heels, and spin around in satin sleepwear that became the magnificent ball gown of a princess within our fantasy-fueled imaginations.

Rose would let us jump on her bed, a sharp contrast from our father’s reaction, which would be a swift spanking across a bare bottom. At night, she’d let us sleep in the large bed cozy with quilts, giving us the best room of the house while she slept on the couch. Breakfasts were always feasts of waffles or pancakes, bacon and eggs, or the sugary cereals our parents denied us. She always listened to us with great interest, feeding off the stories we pulled from thin air over a slice of apple pie with blackened crust. We were never treated like little kids, even in our constant barrage of questions and tireless demands for entertainment. At her house, we were treated as honored guests.

One of her rooms held a vast array of paints and canvases. She’d often have a fresh canvas waiting for us, having painted over it with white to give us a clean start on a new creation. While Sara and I would mash the paintbrush against the canvas with hurried and messy strokes, Rose would apply color with delicate precision on her own board beside us. She would soon transform her blank canvas into a mountain against an endless sky, a mysterious cave with wonders unseen, or even a green and blue wave ready to curl out of the canvas and lick the floor at our feet. The colors melted into each other with unfailing detail, and we could almost hear the ocean’s call if we looked deep enough into where the green faded into the reflection of an unseen setting sun. She’d paint clouds that rolled over waving fields of wheat, the movement from the wind coming to life with glints of gold and brown in the valley that expanded beyond the painting. Sometimes she’d even paint pictures of us, capturing our likeness on the board while we slapped paint on our own canvases. Those she never painted over, but kept in a room she called her office despite her retirement many years earlier.

Standing before me now, Aunt Rose was just as I remembered her. That is, before the sickness had taken hold and stolen the soft roundness of her features, and ultimately her life. Her long white hair was piled into a loose bun on top of her head. The creaminess of her fair skin was interrupted only by the rosiness of her cheeks and twinkling blueberry eyes. Her laugh lines and crow’s feet still lit up the roadmap of her kind expression, yet her face appeared more vibrant and youthful under its mature appearance. Her short and plump body was clothed in her usual painting smock over a pair of flowing pants, and she held a paintbrush in her right hand. I was so relieved to see someone familiar that I rushed over to embrace her, almost knocking her off her feet. It surprised both of us when I burst into tears, and I buried my face into her neck to try and stop the watery flow of emotion.

“Oh, my dear,” Rose crooned. “There, there. It’s all going to be okay.” She pet my hair as I shook, her compassion opening the floodgates. Free to let my guard down, I stopped fighting against my fear and sadness, and allowed myself a good, ugly cry on her shoulder. She didn’t try to stop me, only murmured comforting words while I let out all that had been bottled up since the moment I found myself in this new existence.

When I was able to come up for halting breaths of air, I pulled away and swiped at the tears in my eyes. She offered me the hem of her smock as if I were a little child. I was grateful and wiped my face on it, rubbing at my nose with an embarrassed chuckle.

“Now then, feel better, darling? You’ve had a rough time of it, haven’t you?” she asked. I nodded, my momentary good cheer replaced by sullenness as I fed off her maternal sympathy. “Well, let me get a look at you.” She stepped back and nodded in approval. “Oh darling, you are a vision!” she exclaimed. “You’ve become quite the young lady, haven’t you?” I looked down at my body, taking in the damage from the crash and the fire, touching my matted hair with my hand to try and smooth out the tangles.

“Oh, Aunt Rose, I’m a mess,” I said. “And I’m not so young anymore, I’m thirty-five.”

“Posh,” she countered, taking my hand in hers to stop me from smoothing my hair. “You’re only a baby. Thirty-five? Darling, you’ve hardly lived!”

She took her paintbrush and smoothed it at my hair, brushing it with gentle strokes before moving to my clothes. I touched my hair once again, surprised at its sudden softness, looking at the ends of the golden brown fullness it now possessed. I watched as she transformed my torn clothing into a light blue sundress that fit me snug just above my waist before falling around my hips. On my feet she painted a pair of gold-colored sandals that wrapped around my ankles and calves like those of a Roman goddess.

“I’ll have to teach you how to do a better job of healing yourself,” she said with sympathy as she stroked my skin with the brush, all the cuts and bruises disappearing under her touch. Then she stepped back to admire her work, letting out a low whistle. “Oh darling, you’re what they’d call a knockout!” she exclaimed.

I giggled with both pride and shyness, checking out her handiwork. Holding my hands out and noticing all the details she’d created with a mere flick of her brush, I couldn’t help but agree with her assessment. My skin glowed under the morning sun, glistening as if still damp from the rains. I could feel my hair brushing across my back, and I shook my head to feel the new fullness. My nails were shaped in pink and white half-moon crescents, a far cry from the blackened stubs they had been just moments earlier. My feet were no longer covered in mud, caressed now by the new sandals that protected them from the elements. I felt beautiful, appreciating my new form with vanity, admiring the perfection it had become.

“Oh, thank you, Aunt Rose,” I said, throwing my arms around her once again. “You’ve made me beautiful.” She laughed and shook her head.

“Darling, you did that on your own. I just revealed it for you,” she told me, tapping her brush against my forehead.

“But the brush,” I said. “You did something magic with it!”

“No darling, this brush has no magic in it at all.” She handed it to me for proof, and I swiped at the air only to have nothing happen. “Rachel, the magic is nothing more than our spirit released from our earthly bodies. We’ve had this power all along, even when we were alive. But being human has its limitations. However, when our spirit is unleashed from our bodies, the power we possess becomes unharnessed. You are capable of so much, you don’t even realize it.” She looked around at the tree stumps and blackened ground. “Well, maybe you have a hint,” she laughed. She took back her paintbrush and began painting small strokes against the ground. Tiny blades of grass and fern emerged from her paintbrush, multiplying across the darkened area in a gradual wave of green. “There now, that’s a start,” she said. She looked at me with eyebrows raised, smiling a small, meaningful smile. “The end of life is really just a new beginning.”

“I don’t understand,” I admitted, leaning down to touch the new growth peeking out of the ashes. “You say your brush isn’t magic, and yet you use it as a wand.”

“Oh sweetie, I forget how human your thoughts still are. First off, there’s no such thing as magic. Nothing I’m doing is magical at all, but only a part of the spirit. My spirit, your spirit, the spirit in the trees, the ground, the sky, and even these blades of grass...we are all pieces of the same source of energy. The lightning was a result of the energy being pulled from your spirit. The rain, that was you, too. Cleaning you up was a result of my spirit talking with your spirit. And this new life,” she said, gesturing to the greenery scattered around us, “it was there the whole time. I just helped it along by combining my energy with the energy of the forest.”

“But the wand, er, paintbrush?” I asked again. “You keep using it, even though you claim it’s not magic. Surely it’s helping you with all this,” I argued, waving my hand to indicate the greenery that peeked out from the ashes. Rose laughed, sticking the end of the brush through the bun on the top of her head to free her hands.

“The brush only makes me feel like all this is my canvas and I am but a painter,” she said. To emphasize, she placed her hand in front of her and moved it across the scene of the forest in one slow motion. The ash was soon covered by a thick blanket of green. Small buds pushed through the ground, unfurling to reveal leafy, vibrant ferns that reached out in all directions. The charred wood of the fallen trees was soon hidden under a spongy moss, as if the trees had fallen years before. The smell of smoke disappeared under the damp smell of rain; a carpet of baby’s tears covering a fresh layer of dirt. Soon there was no sign that there had ever been a fire, the garden of green around me so plush I felt I could just lay in it forever.

“I still don’t understand,” I told her, running my hands over the ferns that surrounded us.

“Oh darling, I know. I don’t expect you to yet. But it will all make sense soon,” she promised.

I wanted to be satisfied with this answer. I tried to let it be at that, afraid that all of my questions would eat at her hospitality and cause her to lose her patience. Yet, I was burning inside with so much that still didn’t add up.

“All this is lovely,” I told her. “But what if a person had been close by while you were creating this? I know I never saw anything supernatural like this happen while I was alive. But it doesn’t seem out of the realm of possibility for someone to have come upon us while you, or rather your spirit, was drawing all of this out. How do you keep anyone from seeing this happen?”

“I don’t,” she said. “Our vision and the vision of humans are completely different things. Basically, they’re seeing things occur much slower than what we’re seeing.” Her eyes twinkled at my obvious bewilderment. “Time is a much different thing when you’re alive than it is in the afterlife,” she explained. “As a human, you exist on a string of time.”

She took the paintbrush out of her hair and drew a thin line in the dirt. Using her brush as a pointer, she went on.

“There’s a beginning, a middle, and an end. Everyone’s string is a different length; some shorter, some longer. You can’t move backwards or up and down. The only way to move is forward.” She then drew a circle in the dirt around the line before filling it in so the line no longer existed. “When your spirit is free of your body, you are able to experience time much closer to how our source of energy experiences time. It still exists, but it’s not on a string. Instead, we’re able to go as fast or as slow as we want, jumping from moment to moment in the blink of an eye. You can move forward, backward, side to side. The possibilities are endless.”

Rose reached over and picked a berry from a nearby bush and held it up.

“The reason is because all of this is happening at once, with no point of beginning or end, not even a middle. There is no yesterday or tomorrow. The past is now. The future is now.”

She smiled and took my hand.

“But that’s a pretty heavy concept that even we can’t fully grasp until we are reunited with our source of energy. So for now, we can just hop from one moment to the next.”

“So, can we control where we land?” I asked her. “I mean, would it be possible to say ‘take me to 1953,’ and then just end up there?”

“We’re not time machines,” she chuckled. “But yes and no. If you can feel it, you can be there.”

“What if I envision a person? Can I be close to them?” I asked, not even trying to hide the hopefulness in the question. I was still troubled over where Joey might be, even more so after seeing the vision the cicadas had given me of his broken body and the hovering light that disappeared with as much mystery as it appeared. But a different urgency was building inside me as I grew more comfortable in my new existence. I could feel my heart torn at the thought that I’d never see John again, feel his embrace, or even just see myself through his eyes when he looked my way.

I could see Rose’s eyes cloud over, a concerned look appearing on her face.

“Darling, I wouldn’t get too attached to those who are still alive,” she cautioned, as if she could read my mind. “It would be best if you just let them be and moved on. I know there are people you love and miss terribly. But staying for them will only keep you from the greatest happiness you could ever experience, and leave you stuck in an internal prison of unnatural pain, never letting up until you learn to let go.”

She held my hands and squeezed them so tight it caught me off guard. Her hold loosened only when I tried to pull away. She looked away for a second, and then gave me an embarrassed smile. “Rachel, please just trust me on this.”

“Why are you telling me this, Aunt Rose?” I asked her, irritated about this limitation she was placing on me. “I mean, you’re here, aren’t you? And you’re fine, right?”

“Rachel, I would give anything to be free from this divide.”

“But who are you waiting for?” I implored her. “What’s causing you to be stuck here?”

“Don’t you know, darling? I’ve stayed for you and Sara.”

I was flooded with sudden emotion, the reality of how much Aunt Rose had loved us becoming apparent with her sacrifice of happiness for us. I thought of the past twenty-five years, when her memory had come to me out of nowhere, providing me with a sense of comfort in times when I felt the most alone. I wondered if it was in those times she had been near me, watching me from another reality while trapping herself in a world she couldn’t escape. She’d had no children in her lifetime, showering Sara and me with a love she would probably have reserved for her own children had she become a mother. And just as she had in her life, Aunt Rose had spent the last two and a half decades loving my sister and me while watching over us. I realized that even though she had died, she’d never left at all. The comfort that she gave me only intensified my desire to be close to John, to make sure he was okay before I left him alone forever.

But the realization that Rose had given up her freedom in her watch over my sister and me hadn’t escaped me. I turned to her and took her hand in mine.

“I’m here now,” I told her. “You don’t have to wait anymore. And Sara is fine too. She’s married and has children, and she’s living a wonderful life. You’re free to move on.”

“You don’t understand,” she responded, her voice faltering. “It’s not that easy.”

“But I don’t get it, Aunt Rose. You even said time doesn’t exist here. So couldn’t you get to the time when both of us are past our human lives and then move on to wherever it is we’re supposed to move on to?”

“Don’t you think I’ve tried that?” she emphasized. “I’ve tried everything I could to...” She winced, stopping herself mid-sentence as she wiped her hand across her forehead. “Let’s just say that I have to move past this on my own to be able to free myself. Wishing for anything else only results in tragedy.”

“Tragedy? Just for wishing we could be with you?” I asked her.

And that’s when it hit me. Aunt Rose had said the way to be close to someone or a certain time, we were to feel it in every fiber of our being. While Rose had wanted to move on and be free, she was unable to because she loved me too much. I looked at her in alarm, my eyes burning as they searched over her panicked face.

“I’m so sorry, Rachel. I didn’t mean for this to happen,” she pleaded. “I didn’t know!”

“You killed me?” I whispered. “You killed me, and you killed my son?”

“I didn’t know this would happen!” she pleaded. “You were so happy, planning your wedding and about to start a new life. I couldn’t have wished for a better happiness for you.”

“Then why, Aunt Rose? Why couldn’t you just let me be? Why couldn’t you let me marry John and be happy?”

“I was jealous!” she burst out, her voice rising in her desperation.

Clouds began to cover the sky once more, sending a light drizzle that moistened my hair and clothing. But I didn’t even feel the rain on my heated skin, seething from anger and confusion that Rose had taken away everything I had ever loved because of her own selfish needs.

“I couldn’t be there,” she pressed on. “You were planning this lovely ceremony, marrying a man who was absolutely wonderful to you and to your son. And all I wanted was to be able to be there with you, to hug you and congratulate you on your marriage. I wanted to help you plan all the details and give you advice.” Rose’s expression was bleak. “You are like a daughter to me, and it pained me that I couldn’t be there with you.”

“You are not my mother!” I shot at her, finding a sense of satisfaction in the anguish on her face. “You had no right, no right at all. I was happy!”

“Darling, I didn’t know,” she whispered. “It was a moment of weakness I wish I could take back.”

I sank to my knees, realizing that my entire life had ended on the wish of one spirit. I felt more powerless than ever.

“How did you do it?” I whispered.

Rose sat down next to me. She reached for my hand, but I pulled it away from her grasp. Sighing, she placed her hands in her lap.

“You had just finished getting Joey fitted in his suit for your wedding. I was there with you, laughing along with you over Joey’s awkward moment.” In spite of myself, I couldn’t help but smile at the memory of Joey describing his horrendous measurement experience. “You both were so casual with each other, so open and honest. And I felt this pang of jealousy. I had never experienced that kind of joy, never having had children of my own. I mean, I had you and Sara. And you both became my whole world. But at the end of every visit, you went home with your parents, and I was left alone in my own house. When I died, I stayed by you and Sara, loving you as if you were my own children. But something happens to you in this existence. Feelings are more intense, more powerful than anything you have ever experienced in your human life. I became your protector, almost like your guardian angel. I was limited in my physical involvement in your life, but wherever I could place my guidance over you, I did.”

She took a deep breath before continuing. I kept quiet, holding down my simmering anger, afraid that if I spoke I wouldn’t find out the whole truth.

“But the reality is, Rachel, a barrier still existed between you and me. You were living, I was dead. You weren’t my child. I am not God. No matter how I tried to get close to you, you were always just out of my reach.”

I was reminded of my first glimpse of John right after I died, how I tried to take hold of his hand only to have him draw away, how much it hurt to look at him and have him not see me. Tears sprang to my eyes as I remembered pounding on the bed and the wall in desperation to get his attention only to be shut out.

“When you and your son were driving home, that feeling of longing intensified itself into something much deeper than I had ever experienced. When it’s happened before, I’ve managed to walk away until it settled into something more tolerable. But this time, I just wanted to see what would happen if I allowed myself to experience it. It grew into something so big, I could no longer control it. The truck driver changed course, heading straight for you, and I tried to stop it from happening. But by then it was too late. The plan was set in motion and I had no power over it.”

“But Joey,” I whimpered. “He didn’t have to die!” The tears streamed down my cheeks.

“I didn’t know this would happen!” Rose pleaded with me. “I never wanted you to die. I certainly didn’t want Joey’s life to end so soon. If I could take it back—”

“But you can’t!” I exclaimed, jumping to my feet. “As a result, my son will never experience human life beyond the age of thirteen. He’ll never know what a first kiss feels like, or deep and true love, or what it’s like to be a father. John is left to pick up all the pieces, to plan a funeral for both me and my son when we should be planning our wedding! You’ve stolen so much from so many people. How could you?!”

“Darling,” she began, but I interrupted.

“I am not your darling!”

The muscles on her face twitched with the deep sorrow she was trying to control. “Rachel, I’m sorry.”

“That doesn’t make it better!” I shouted at her. “This is all your fault. I’m stuck here in this forest, my broken body in some morgue by now, and I can’t even find my son. Where is he? Where is Joey?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “He’s in his own reality. And he’s safe, I assure you. We all are. But you won’t see him until it’s time.”

“There’s no such thing as time!” I shouted.

“It’s complicated darl... Rachel,” she said.

I was overwhelmed with rage in an instant. I was angrier than I had ever been in my life. But even more than that, I longed to see John again, to be comforted by his presence and to make sure he was okay. The surrounding forest began to fade, the colors turning to muted tones behind Rose as they all began to evaporate.

“Don’t go,” she begged me, her fear and sadness sending another chill of anger through me. “Stay with me, Rachel!” If she said anything else, I couldn’t hear it. Rose, the forest, the cicadas and the drizzling rain all disappeared into a cloud of emptiness, leaving me suspended in space before tearing me with a lurch into a new reality.