He shoved me against the truck door, the metal cold against my back. His body pressed into me as his mouth came down on mine. He tasted me, consumed me, pushing his tongue in deep. Thick, harsh hands groped me, squeezing my breasts and grabbing my bare ass beneath my skirt.
“You know you want it, you little slut. Let’s see what you got.” He yanked my shirt down at the draped neckline, ripping the fabric. The cold winter air kissed my breasts right before his hands grabbed and burned.
Oh God, I was torn. I’d come here for this. I should want this, but I didn’t. I wanted to leave. I wanted him to stop touching me. I wanted to curl up and die.
“Don’t be a tease.” He squeezed hard. I gasped in pain but let him do it. Of course I did. This was what men did, and I was the girl who let them. The sick sense of triumph I felt every time I proved it was absent this time around.
“That’s better, baby.” He ravaged my body with his mouth and his hands. He was leaving marks on me, marks I knew from experience I would study later with revulsion and fascination.
Someone else kept intruding even as this guy assaulted me. It was Colin’s tongue in my mouth, Colin’s hand yanking my hair, Colin’s cock pushing painfully into my pubic bone. I closed my eyes. Maybe that was the solution. I could get the roughness I craved, but my imagination would make it safe.
Two fingers shoved inside me. Dry. My eyes snapped open. Not Colin.
He jammed them deeper, eliciting a whimpered, “No.” I hadn’t meant to say that. I told myself I wouldn’t say no, not again. It didn’t work, just made them angry. He was moving too fast and it hurt too much, but I could already feel myself start to slide into that place—the place where my mind slowed and none of the pain or the shame could touch me.
It didn’t matter, because he didn’t mind me. He’d do what he wanted. His lips twisted into a smile.
Abruptly he spun me around so that my exposed breasts were smashed against the door of his truck. His body shoved against mine stole my breath away, then more pain, in time with muted grunts from behind me.
Just as quickly there was nothing. No hard cock pushing against me or rough hands restraining me. Disoriented, I pushed off the truck, staggering back.
“…the fuck away from her,” I heard. And shit, I knew that voice.
Not Colin turned into an entreaty in my mind. I slowly dragged my gaze up. No, please, anyone but him. But of course there he was, looking like he was leading the charge into a fight instead of just witnessing me in all my shameful glory. Maybe other people dream of being naked in front of a crowded theater, but I already knew this moment would be memorialized in my nightmares: me, half-dressed in a dirty parking lot, in front of Colin.
My arms flew to my breasts, covering them in a futile attempt at modesty. My shoulders hunched as if I could curl in on myself. I envied those little pill bugs that could roll up into a ball. But my body didn’t come with any built-in armor. There was just my almost nakedness, exposed by men and my own stupidity.
Paralyzed with humiliation, I could only stand there.
“It’s not how it looks,” said the man. His voice was loud but shaky. If anyone could recognize false bravado, I could. “She wanted it. She was asking for it.”
Oh God. I had the most wildly inappropriate urge to laugh. It was true; it was true.
“Colin,” I managed to get out. “It’s nothing. It’s okay.”
Colin swung his gaze from the man to me. “Are you hurt?”
“I’m fine.” Close enough.
“Come here.” He opened his arm, and without thinking I ran to his side.
“Fuck, I didn’t know she was with you!” The man was yelling now, almost screaming. “I didn’t know. What the fuck? I wouldn’t have touched her, I swear. I wasn’t going to hurt her.”
With his arm around me, I could feel Colin’s muscles tense as if he might spring at any moment, but I wanted this to be over. I leaned into him, molding my arms around his chest in an embrace meant to comfort and restrain.
“Please,” I whispered.
He glanced down at me, eyes blazing, but said to the man, “Get the fuck out of here.”
The man, whose name I hadn’t learned, got into his truck and sped out of the parking lot, leaving Colin and me in a haze of exhaust. We stood in that embrace, my bare breasts pressed against his shirt as if it were the two of us having an illicit encounter.
He pulled off his shirt, and my fucked-up mind wondered for just a moment if he would pick up where that man had left off. And how crazy I was; I’d let him.
Colin held out his hand with the shirt. I took it from him and slipped it on with a murmured thanks, unable to look him in the eye.
“Allie,” he said.
“Just go,” I croaked, looking at his shoes.
It was over, but my anxiety had only increased. He wasn’t touching me anymore, and I could hardly blame him. I didn’t want to touch my dirty skin either. I’d crawl out of it if it were possible. Just leave this dirty body behind and be someone else.
“What the hell were you thinking?” he asked.