My mind is whirring but at the same time, I’m strangely calm, I think, deep down, I always knew it would come to this, I always knew I wouldn’t be enough for him, not young enough, not slim or pretty enough, not adventurous enough in bed; I just didn’t think it would be over so soon, I thought we would have a bit of time to work through our lust before he got bored of me, I always knew, deep down, that he would eventually get bored and want to move on, I knew he would, in the end, break my heart, it’s just happened so much sooner than I was ready for and just at a point when I had stupidly began to think that there might be some hope for us to make it, as a couple. How stupid am I? I am approaching middle age, whatever possessed me to make me think there could ever be a future for us? I have this horrible sensation in my chest, like weights have been tied to my heart, it feels heavy, like it’s being pulled down to the pit of my stomach; I gasp in some air, as apparently I forgot to breathe for a bit there and the sound I make as I breathe back out is more like a sob and I clamp my hand over my mouth, I need to get out, get away from him, from all the hope this house represents, the hope, my stupidity, his betrayal, how could he?
I just don’t understand, he asked me to marry him and then he does that; I feel broken, I need to leave here before I completely fall apart; before I really think any further than this, I'm off the sofa and back in the bedroom. I walk into the wardrobe, pull on some clothes, I throw a few more into a holdall, pack my toiletries and the rest of life’s essentials, I won’t be caught out this time like I was when I left Jason, this time I remember my hair dryer and straighteners and head back out to the family room without even looking at Gabe. I dial the automated taxi number I have stored in my phone and start to head down the stairs.
I suddenly have an idea and go back up and retrieve Gabe’s phone from where I threw it on the sofa. I open it up at the offending text and leave it on the bench top so when he unlocks his phone next, it will be the first thing he sees. I leave the house, go out of the gate and wait at the side of the road for my cab to come and pick me up. I have a key to Jo's. I know she won't mind if I use it, besides, I really have nowhere else I can go, once again, I’m homeless, alone and humiliated. I wrap my arms around myself, if I let go, I’m afraid I will just fall into lots of little pieces, right there on the path, on the side of the road.
Ten minutes later I'm standing at Jo's front door, surprisingly her car is there so I won't use my key. I knock, my friend opens the door with a glass of wine in her hand, she says nothing but seeing the look on my face she simply passes me the glass of wine and I drink the lot down, she takes the glass from me and silently steps aside so that I can come in.
I walk down the hallway and into the kitchen and drop my bag on the floor, Jo walks in behind me and without saying a word, holds her arms open, I walk straight into them and sob. I sob so hard that I no longer have the strength to stand up and instead drop to my knees and am almost choking on my tears. All the while Jo remains silent and just holds me and strokes my hair. My sobs eventually slow down and my breathing steadies.
“If you want to talk Darl – talk. If you don't, then don't, but as much as I'm your friend, I'm also a nosey bitch and would really like to know all the deets.”
My shoulders start to shake, I think from laughter, but I suppose it could just be a variation on my crying moves. Jo peels herself away from me and goes to the fridge, she takes a chilled glass from the freezer compartment and the wine from the fridge and heads back towards me. I lean my back against the kitchen cupboards and she sits down and joins me. Topping up my glass and filling hers.
“Spill. The deets, not the wine. What's gone on?”
I tell her everything, from Alyssa to events of the weekend, all the details of Jay’s assault, the new car, the proposal and then the texts and Gabe’s obvious betrayal. She heard most of it last night but I need to go over it so that I can try and get my head around it all.
“What was I thinking Jo? Why did I think for a second I would be enough for him, it was never going to work and now I've just made myself look sad and stupid?”
“I’m so sorry darl, I really am. I can’t believe the little shit could be so stupid.”
I'm no longer crying, I think I'm now actually feeling a little bit shocked and thoroughly betrayed. How could he, why ask me to marry him if he knew full well he was incapable of being faithful? This is actually hurting me more than Jay’s indiscretions. My stomach feels like it is being clenched in a vice and every time I loosen the grip a little bit of reality sinks into my brain, every time the hold on my tummy is released slightly it sends my insides churning and spiralling, causing the most awful sensations including the desire to vomit. I put my hand over my mouth and close my eyes. I don't know if I can survive this. I only left him half an hour ago but the physical pain it's causing me in my heart is already unbearable, I’m not sure if it’s hurt, anger, humiliation or separation that’s causing it, or just a combination, either way, each and every one of those emotions are what Gabe has caused and I know, for sure, that right now we need to be apart, he overwhelms me when we’re together, what I feel for him consumes me and I don’t see straight, I don’t see anything beyond him when we’re together.
Jo pours us another drink and we smoke a cigarette. This is a habit I need to stop. I've not smoked this much in over twenty five years!!!
We sit on the kitchen tiles and talk shit some more.
Until Jo says, “Well I love you dearly babe and there's a home here for as long as you need it, but my arse is numb, so can we please get up off this floor?”