"Funny."
"I'm an optimist. I believe in love and romance and happily ever after. It's why I knew you and Jace would stop your fussing and feuding long enough to get back together."
"You ever think you'll get a second chance with Darren?"
"Nope. He's been permanently corrupted. Shauna's dirty vagina was how God prevented me from making the mistake of loving Darren."
"Jace was with another woman."
"The sex wasn't good."
"How do you know that?"
"People talk."
Narrowing my eyes, I ask, "Is your house bugged?"
"I've never had a head for technology."
"Is that a yes?"
"It's not a no."
"Well," I mutter, shaking off my irritation, "I'm sure Darren didn't enjoy the sex with Shauna."
"Oh, yeah, he probably did. She's very talented. It's common knowledge around these parts."
"Maybe."
"Darren isn't my Jace. You can't force these things. Jace and you could fuck up things a million times, but eventually you'd find a way back to each other. Inside, you know he's the one. He knows you're the one. It's why the other chick's pussy wasn't any good."
"Can we not talk about the other girl's pussy?"
"Lies are for the weak, Sawyer. Don't be a pussy even if you have one." Colbie pauses to give her dog a wink "Wait, what was my point? Oh, yeah, some people are like your dad who fucked everyone in the world until he found the right woman. Others are like my dad who've fucked everyone in the world but never found his soul mate. I'm going to be like your pop and Bodie will be like my pop. I'll have an amazing life, and she'll be an old spinster."
"I'm sure she'll be thrilled."
"Bodie will make a great spinster. She likes cats and knows how to knit. Hell, she's nearly a spinster now. Some people just never enjoy a great love affair. You did. I will. Bodie will have many cats. Everyone wins."
"What about Zane? Do you think Yesenia is his soul mate?"
"Yes and no. Yes, because she's not a slut who steals things from the house. No, because she's boring and doesn't like horror movies. She doesn't even like thrillers. I kid you not, but she's never even seen Die Hard, for dick's sake. The chick is lame, but she'd be a good wife and mother. I'm torn between what I want in a sister-in-law, and what I want for my brother's wife."
"My brothers got lucky. My sister got even luckier. She's an idiot."
"Yeah, I always thought of you as a mini-Bailey."
"Fuck off."
"The truth is painful," she says, patting my hand.
"Well, since you like the truth, let me ask you this, lesser twin."
"Hey!"
"So very painful," I add, giving her a wink. "So how come you torment Lawman so much?"
"I torment everyone. It's how I bond with people."
"Look, I'm not denying you enjoy making people unhappy. It's clearly your gift. However, I'm guessing Lawman did you wrong somehow, and that's why you're especially annoying around him."
"No shit, he did me wrong," she says, leaning forward. "I'd tell you the sad tale, but I don't want to upset you when you're finally grooving from your recent love match. I know you're the sensitive sort."
"You know what, overgrown snatch? I'm going to grow some tougher skin and deal with my tears, just so you can tell me your stupid fucking story."
Colbie grins. "Well, alright then. A year or so ago, after my Darren tragedy, I had my wisdom teeth removed and was out of my mind on pain meds. I was as loopy as that loser I hit in the head with a brick. Well, being that loopy, there was only one thing I could do with myself. I came here to start trouble."
"A bitch has got to be a bitch. It's what we do."
Colbie never misses a beat. "I was messing with everyone that day. Old and young, ugly and beautiful, the ones who smelled like a fart explosions and those who didn't. I was really spreading my bitchiness around the bar. Now, I should mention that I'd never met Lawdoggie before."
Colbie sighs dramatically. "I guess, and mind you that I'm only repeating what people told me, but I guess I took his hat and humped it while dancing to a Toby Keith song. No harm, no foul, right? The hat survived our tryst after all. Anyway, I didn't see him for a few months. The next time I did, I was sober and normal."
Normal for you, I think, but don't say.
"That was the day I realized something important about Lawpuppy. He's fucking hot," Colbie says as if shocked. "Not just okay looking hot like Jace either. No offense."
"Just okay, my ass. He's a fucking stallion."
"Whatever you have to tell yourself, princess. Can we focus on my object of horny now? Lawpuppy is so damn hot. I wanted to ride him and make babies with him, but he blew me off."
"Did you tell him that babies thing? Men don't respond well to you signing them up for Lamaze lessons before the first date."
"No, Miss Curly Curls, I was smooth that day."