“You were raped.”
I felt as if he’d slapped me. No, it was more like a gut punch, choking off my breath instantly. No longer walking, I watched him keep going. When Saint noticed I’d stopped, he found my gaze.
“Did someone tell you that?” I asked.
“I know the basics about how you ended up here. I don’t need the details. They’re written all over your face. All of your weaknesses are here,” he said, gesturing to my face. “Anyone can see your secrets and use them against you.”
“Is that what you’re doing?”
“Do I look like the enemy?” he asked in a dark voice.
Feeling exposed, I lowered my gaze. His words tore away my confidence, leaving me with the urge to hide away from the world.
“There’s no shame to being raped,” Saint said softly. “Despite what people believe it’s like any other crime. The shame comes from thinking it means more.”
“How would you know?”
“I’m a wise man, Harlow. Seen the world. Seen enough people doing stupid to know what not to do. Seen enough people being weak to know how to be strong. I’m trying to help you be strong too.”
“Talking about it won’t make me strong.”
“That’s where you’re wrong,” he said, gesturing for me to follow him.
Hiking through the woods, I waited for him to make his point.
“There are two kinds of fears. The rational and irrational. You can’t do a whole lot about the irrational ones. Mainly because logic doesn’t tend to fight irrational thoughts. I knew a guy who feared snakes. He tried everything to get over it. Studied about snakes, spent a lot of time looking at them at the zoo. I think he even watched Anaconda and Snakes on a Plane. Really put himself through the ringer, but he never got over the fear.”
I followed him past a downed tree resting half in the river.
“This same guy had a fear of public speaking. As a kid, he’d embarrassed himself in front of his class. This was a rational fear that he overcame. After all, he had a real reason to fear it unlike with snakes. The guy forced himself to talk in front of groups. Got a job where he had to do it every week. He was psycho scared in the beginning. However, the more he did it, the less it bothered him. When he thought about speaking in front of crowds, he stopped remembering his embarrassment as a kid. Instead, he remembered all the times he did it successfully. With rational fears, you can train yourself to overcome them.”
“Are you the guy in your story?”
Saint glanced back at me and smirked. “You wish.”
I couldn’t help sharing his grin. Every time he refused to tell me something, I only wanted to know more about the guy behind the cool exterior.
“You have a rational fear of talking about your past. Rational means you can overcome it. If you ever plan on being a truly tough broad, you need to face your fear of talking about rape. Otherwise, you’ll leave yourself open to someone hurting you with your past. Never give people an opening. Trust me that they’ll take it.”
“How do I get over it when I haven’t after years in therapy?”
Saint stopped at the bank of the river and inhaled deeply. “The world has a lot of beauty in it, but people get immune to seeing it. The day I do, I’m a dead man.”
I studied at the water rushing by. Logically, I knew the river was beautiful, yet I felt none of it. Since Saint said that ugly word, I was mostly numb.
“You need to take the power away from your past,” he said, glancing down at me.
I watched him remove his water bottle and drink nearly half before handing it to me. Taking the drink, I barely sipped it.
“I don’t have germs,” he said, nearly laughing.
“You upset me. I don’t want a drink.”
Saint shook his head. “I didn’t upset you. You upset yourself by letting something bad from years ago still control you. The people who hurt you are dead. You survived. Why let anyone hurt you with the past?”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Sure it is,” he said, tugging off his backpack and dropping it next to an old tree. “Just say the words, ‘I was raped.’ Say it enough until the words lose their power.”
Digging out a bag of trail mix from his pack, Saint shoved a handful into his mouth then offered it to me. I shook my head.
“Just say them to you?”
“Sure,” he said, chewing. “I’ll turn around, if that’ll help.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“Tell you what,” he said, shoving more food into his mouth. “If you can say the words to my face, I’ll tell you something about me. I know you’re curious.”
“Will you tell me your real name?”
Grinning, he shook his head. “I will tell you where I got the name Saint though.”
Saint turned his back to me, still eating his trail mix. I had a decision to make. Each option scared me. Since showing weakness in front of Saint terrified me more, I focused on the back of his faded blue shirt.
“I was raped,” I whispered.